Your horoscope for the week (IP)

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
With the moon in your third quarter and Jupiter rising from the East, that unexpected delegation of insurance salesmen will be the last thing you need.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Scientists say that the Great Barrier Reef is the only living thing visible from space. Then there's that strange growth on your neck.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You'll experience a mild degree of consternation mid-week when you learn that Masons the world over have been secretly using your image for their recruitment posters.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
After an argument with an English professor about the correct usage of the words "rebut", "repudiate" and "reject", you will form a worrying but thankfully temporary aversion to most forms of blue cheese.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
It all comes to a head this week; Gordon Ramsay has been speaking to you in code all along. Throw off those shackles and blanch those greens!

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Your desire to run an Olympic-qualifying time for the marathon will be hampered by your simultaneous attempt at the record for receiving the World's longest lap-dance.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
As Mars bisects your third house, you can only wonder at what might have been, if only you had been able to remember all the words to "Fat Sam's Grand Slam" at the audition.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
This is a bad week for you if you're travelling, staying at home, relaxing or working hard. Let's face it - you're toast.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dogs. That's the last time you'll be allowed out on chicken hut security duty.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
A pleasant surprise is to come this week, as you're chosen out of thousands to be the official face of the National Halitosis Awareness Campaign.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Your difficulty in distinguishing "cafe crema" from "crematorium" normally is a cause for zany japes a-plenty. However, the mourners fail to see it that way, later this week.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The entrance of Venus from the North ushers in a whirlwind romance that will fill your waking hours and dominate your nights for the foreseeable future. Given that you've just started a five-year prison sentence, you may see this as somewhat of a mixed blessing.