Don't Leave Me This Way ('Dead Reckoning' series - Part 1)

 

Josiah Oakshott was rummaging around in the stock room. 

If he was going to be totally honest with himself, there was really no practical point to this exercise, other than providing a useful excuse for not returning to his office and facing the very clear indications that Oakshott and Underwood were, to put none to finer a point on it, in trouble.  Apart from assessing these portents, he had done precious little, for the past few days, so rummaging seemed like a relatively harmless diversion.

A tuneless humming, apparently coming from the other end of the stock room, interrupted his increasingly dark train of thought.  Unaware that there was anyone else in the vicinity, he went to investigate and was startled to discover Archibald Thurble, doing some rummaging of his own.

“Archibald!” He exclaimed, causing the object of his exclamation to visibly jump in the air, “what are you up to?”

“Not sure, to be honest, Mr. O.” Archibald said, scratching his head, “I think it might be the chorus of something by Rick Astley, but I wouldn’t swear to it!”

“No, Archibald, I meant, what are you doing!”

“Oh, right!  Sorry, Mr. O., I was just looking for some handles” Archibald explained, flapping his arms to indicate his lack of success.

“Give me strength!  I didn’t mean, what are you doing in the stock room” Josiah sighed wearily, “I meant, what are you doing here, at all!  According to my wall-chart, you should still be on annual leave”

“Oh, right, yeah, sorry about that” Archibald looked a little bashful, “I thought, if it was all the same to you, I’d come back early”

“Well, it’s fine with me, of course, Archibald, but you are entitled to take your full entitlement of leave, you know”

“Yeah, I know” Archibald nodded, “it was just that I got fed up and thought I might as well be here as anywhere”

“Not a ringing endorsement of your work ethic but, I suppose one can hardly complain” Josiah smiled a little, “I take it that Bilston did not hold your attention?”

“Well, it was alright” Archibald shrugged, “it was just like anywhere else, really, I suppose”

“I’ll tell you what” Josiah said, “why don’t you prepare the tea and biscuits, put an extra cup for yourself, and we’ll discuss this back in my office?  What do you say?”

“Oh yeah!” Archibald grinned, “just like old times, eh?”

“Indeed, Archibald”

A little while later, Josiah and Archibald sat at either side of Josiah’s antique desk, in the somewhat dismal office.  Archibald noted that the comfy sofa and coffee table, which Samantha Knight had introduced, as a modern touch to the furnishings, had now disappeared.

Josiah munched a biscuit, thoughtfully,

“I had rather wondered what you might find to do with yourself in Bilston, Archibald?”

“Not much to be honest” Archibald slurped his tea, “I found a little B&B what was quite nice.  The landlady was lovely, she insisted on cooking me dinner an’ all, which was good of her.  It’s just…there’s not much to do in the day and there’s a damn sight less at night”

“Ah!” Josiah nodded, “I did wonder if you might attempt to make contact with either of the Ryder sisters, with whom you were once linked?”

“Not really,” Archibald responded, gloomily, “I went and had a look at where their chip shop was – that looked ok and it was right busy.  Then I went and had a look at where Electra and Tiff&EE’s place is going to be, but that was still being converted so there wasn’t much to see there, to be fair”

“Did you not meet either of the young ladies?”

“No, I didn’t” Archibald shook his head, vigorously, “I could see Flo serving at the chppy, but I didn’t go in and there was no sign of Electra”

“I feared that you might have aspirations to rekindle your romance” Josiah looked at his employee with some concern.

“Nah, what’s done is done, innit?”  Archibald, shrugged, tugged a sleeve and looked thoughtful, “I didn’t really go there for that.  It was just…I couldn’t think of anywhere else, to be honest and, seeing as how it was where everyone else seemed to be going, I thought…”

“Yes, I take your point” Josiah drew another biscuit from the collection on the plate before him and nibbled, appreciatively.

“How about you and Ms. Knight?” Archibald felt emboldened to ask, as Josiah had brought up the subject of his ex-fiancée.

“I think we can safely say that the curtain has been decidedly rung down on that particular episode, Archibald” Josiah said, firmly.

“Oh!” Archibald replied, looked down and scuffed his shoes a couple of times.

There was a pregnant pause for a few seconds, only interrupted by the ticking of the long-case clock in the corner.  Finally, Archibald broke the awkward silence:

“You’ve managed without me, then?” He ventured, with a grin.

“In all honesty, Archibald, we could probably manage without at least half of the workforce, as things stand at present” Josiah looked exceedingly glum.

“Problems, Mr. O.?”

“Problems, indeed, Archibald” Josiah sighed, “I’m afraid that, being a party to, what could easily have been, and in fact was described in the local press as, a ‘shoot-out’ at the Crematorium, does not act as a positive advertisement for our business” Josiah stirred his tea, moodily, “a number of commissions for funeral services, commissions that I would have anticipated would come to us, have instead been placed with our competitors.  In short, we are losing business at an alarming rate”

“But…but…they can’t blame you for all that malarkey, surely?” Archibald spluttered.

“They can, and they do, Archibald” Josiah nodded, “I fear that, if this goes on, I may have to take some radical steps in order to keep the business afloat”

“What…you don’t mean like…redundancies?” Archibald whispered the last word.

“Well, I wouldn’t like this to be common knowledge, and I trust I can count on your discretion?” Josiah raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, yeah, ‘course” Archibald nodded, furiously.

“Well, yes, it may come to that” Josiah looked very grim indeed, “if business does not pick up, I may be forced to, as the current parlance has it, ‘let some people go’”

“Makes it sound like you’ve got them locked up in chains!” Archibald observed.

“Yes, it’s not a phrase I’m particularly taken with” Josiah shook his head, “much like death, the termination of someone’s employment seems to attract all sorts of unhelpful euphemisms”

“Oh, I’ve had it with them, an all” Archibald nodded.

“Had it with what?”  Josiah looked puzzled.

“Unhelpful youths!” Archibald crossed his arms and frowned, “do you know, there’s this bloke down the D.I.Y. shop and he’s got ‘Can I Help?” written all over his T-Shirt in big, bright letters, and he couldn’t be more bloody-minded if he tried!”

“Ah yes” Josiah smiled, “I rather think the addition of such epithets to the badges and garments of customer-facing staff, rather demonstrates the triumph of hope over experience on the part of the organisations concerned.  However, I rather fear we may, not unusually, be at cross-purposes again, Archibald.  I was referring to euphemisms, by which I mean words or phrases used in an effort to avoid saying the actual word that properly describes the situation.  For example, we might say ‘passed on’ or ‘resting’, when we actually mean ‘dead’…”

“Or ‘fallen asleep’?” Archibald contributed, “that used to frighten the wits out of me when I was a kid, I used to try and stay awake all night in case somebody decided to bury me!”

“Probably a wise move on your part, knowing your household!” Josiah sniggered, “But, it does go to demonstrate why such terms can be unhelpful.  As I was saying, the act of terminating someone’s employment seems to attract similar terms of avoidance, hence the phrase ‘letting people go’”

“Yeah, I see what you mean.”  Archibald looked thoughtful, “Still, if it comes to that, I suppose it would be that ‘last in, first out’ thingy, wouldn’t it?” He suggested, hopefully.

“Well, that is one system which some organisations have adopted, but it has some problematic elements”

“How do you mean?”  Archibald frowned; he had been hoping that his relatively long service might make him immune.

“There are various problems.  Firstly, it rather indirectly discriminates on the basis of age, as one would expect that the ‘redundancy pool’, which I believe is the correct term, would largely consist of those who were younger, whereas those whose jobs were preserved would, in all probability, be older”

“Well, yeah, I suppose, but if they’re young they’ve got more chance of getting another job, ain’t they?” Archibald realised he was digging a hole for himself with this line of argument.

“That might be the case, but discrimination on the basis of age is unlawful, even if that was not the primary purpose of the exercise” Josiah took another sip of tea, “Secondly, and more importantly, it rather perversely means that the organisation concerned sheds those it has most recently recruited, who presumably meet the organisation’s current requirements, and retains those who joined the organisation many years ago, when those requirements may have been markedly different”

“You what?”  Archibald looked puzzled.

“Well, for example, I.T. skills might be a prerequisite for anyone we employed today, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Yeah, I guess!” Archibald looked a little shifty.  His own I.T. skills were somewhat lacking.

“Whereas, employees like, for example, Mr. Strine*…” Josiah looked at Archibald, pointedly.

“Wouldn’t know a P.C. if it bit him on the ar…backside?” Archibald supplied.

“Perhaps not quite how I would have put it, but you take my point?”

“You’d have to get rid of all them what know what they’re doing and keep them what are only still here ‘cause they’ve kept their heads down and their noses clean all these years?” Archibald suggested, “Like that Horace Dimchurch!”

“Indeed, Mr. Dimchurch was an excellent example of someone whose talents were no longer entirely compatible with the current requirements of the business”

“I shouldn’t have thought they ever were!” Archibald chuckled.

“Well, be that as it may, you see the problems inherent with the LIFO system?”

“LIFO?”

“Last In, First Out” Josiah explained, patiently.

“Oh, right” Archibald nodded, “so, how else would you sort it out, then?”

“There are various options.  Possibly the most equitable would be a set of criteria based on performance, disciplinary matters, absence and so forth” Josiah waved his hands, airily.

“Ah, right” Archibald suddenly stood up, brushed off some biscuit crumbs and made for the door, “anyway, must be getting on, things to do and all that”

“Indeed, Archibald” Josiah smirked, “there is much to do and I value your dedication to your duties”

“Yeah, well, as long as you remember that” Archibald winked dramatically, tapped the side of his nose, and hastened out of the door.

“I will, indeed, Archibald” Josiah said to himself, returning to the documents littering his desk, “I will, indeed”

TO BE CONTINUED

Now read Part 2 - 'Doctor, Doctor'

 

* Mr. Strine had become the longest-serving employee of Oakshott and Underwood, following the sudden retirement of Horace Dimchurch (see ‘The Trouble With Horace Dimchurch’)

Those of you who followed the previous ‘Bring Out Your Dead’ series may be interested to know that the book of the series will be published, in both paperback and Kindle versions, on 1^st April, 2024.  Pre-order details to follow on my ABCTales blog