Grave Expectations - Part 2

Part 1 can be found here

There was a heavy silence in the room for quite a while as Josiah contemplated the awful prospect of having to dismiss Archibald and Archibald thought about Josiah giving him the sack.

“This erm, Mitty-something, what’s that all about?” Archibald asked, eventually.

“Mitigating circumstances” Josiah corrected, still from the sanctuary of his face-covering hands, “it means that there was a good reason for what you did, even though you should not have done it.  Something like that” he explained.

“Oh, only I reckon I might have some of them”

“Really?” Josiah emerged from his hands and looked hopefully at his employee.

“Well, for a start off, if I hadn’t stopped for diesel this morning and got stuck at the petrol station ‘cause there’d been an accident and the traffic didn’t move for ages and nobody would let me in” he took a deep breath, “then I’d have had the car back before you got here and no-one would have been any the wiser!” Archibald looked suitably aggrieved at this unfortunate turn of events.

“Archibald, having been caught doing something you should not have been doing does NOT constitute ‘mitigating circumstances’” Josiah snapped.

“No, right, fair enough” Archibald nodded, “mind you, there’s other stuff an’ all.”

“It would need to be something very compelling indeed, Archibald, I have to warn you.  Moreover, although we’re discussing this informally at the moment, you should really be presenting any evidence at the formal Disciplinary Hearing which I will have to call in the next few days”

“Yeah, right but I can tell you now, can’t I?  I’m bursting to tell someone!”

“I will listen to you, Archibald, but I cannot promise that it will change anything”

“No, fair enough.  It’s just…” Archibald swallowed hard, “you know I’ve got this girlfriend, right?  Electra?”

“You have mentioned your relationship from time to time, Archibald but I had no idea of the young lady’s name.  How very exotic!”

“I think it’s after a car they used to have.  Her middle name’s Zephyr.  I reckon you’d like her, Mr. O.  I’ve said to her before now that she should come and work here an’ all.  She’s really got her head screwed on and she’s good with people.” Archibald beamed, proudly

“I will bear that in mind, Archibald”

“She’s really something, Mr. O.” Archibald continued, breathlessly, “I mean, she just looks great all the time!  Even first thing, when I look like something that’s been dragged through an hedge backwards, she just looks gorgeous!”

“Morning becomes her, does it?”  Josiah smirked.

“Come again?”

“Ignore me, Archibald.  You were explaining the connection between you purloining a Company vehicle, and your girlfriend?”

“Yeah, right, well, the thing is, you see, Mr. O., I needed the car last night ‘cause I wanted us to be on our own.  There’s always me Mam and our Nan at our house, and that ‘Uncle’ Melvin most of the time.”

“Couldn’t you see her at her house?”

“Nah, it’s just as bad there, worse if anything!  Only, I wanted to ask her summat important”

“And what would that have been, Archibald?”

Archibald blushed, deeply.

“I wanted to see if she would marry me”

“Really?” Josiah looked incredulously at his employee, “is this true?”

“Oh yeah.  I was that excited” Archibald grinned broadly at the memory, “I made a mess of me trousers!”  He confided.

“I really don’t think that such detail is either called for or necessary, Archibald” Josiah said, with some distaste.

“Oh no, it’s just, she wanted things done properly, so I had to kneel down in the road while she sat in the car.  Only there was this patch of oil or summat that I must have knelt in and me Mam says it will be a bugger to get out”

“Oh, I see” Josiah said, with some relief.  “Should I take it that her answer was in the affirmative?”

“You what?”

“Did she say ‘yes’?”

“Oh, yeah, yes she did” Archibald blushed again, “then she wanted me to ask her parents, properly.”

“For her hand in marriage?  How very old-fashioned!  Quite charming though” Josiah smiled.

“Well, yeah, it’s alright when it comes to her Mam because she only lives across town but her Dad lives 30 miles away, so I had to use the car to go and see him an’ all”

“I am beginning to get a picture of your problem, Archibald.  However, none of this adequately explains why you took the car without permission”

“Well, if I’d asked you, would you have let me borrow it?”

“In all honesty, Archibald, no!”

“There you are then!” Archibald replied, triumphantly.

“With all due respect, Archibald, that is not a sufficient reason for your actions!  You must understand, there is a sound rationale for the rule about the use of our vehicles.  Leaving aside the issues that inevitably arise with regard to insurance, liability for accidents and damage and the Inland Revenue’s views on ‘benefits in kind’,” Josiah counted the items off on his hand, “the most important aspect relates to what these vehicles represent.  You see, Archibald, these are not just fancy cars.  They represent dignity, respect, comfort.  For many people, the only time they will have the opportunity to ride in such a car, is when they are attending a funeral”

“Or when they’ve snuffed it and they’re in the back of one” Archibald suggested.

“That may well be the case, albeit I would not have couched it in those terms.”  Josiah nodded, “Nevertheless, because the vehicles represent something, other than merely being cars for the purpose of getting from A to B, we adopted the rule which said that they may not be used for purposes other than those sanctioned by the Company”

“Yeah, I get that, now” Archibald looked miserably at the floor, “only, if you sack me…”

“Which, again off the record, I would have every right to do on the face of the evidence” Josiah pointed out.

“Yeah, right, only, you see, it would put the kibosh on everything!”

“In what way would that be, Archibald?”

“Well, she’s only prepared to marry me because I’ve got a good, steady job.  If I’m out of work, I don’t think she’ll want to know” There was a hint of a sob in Archibald’s voice.

Josiah stared long and hard at his employee.  Some minutes elapsed.  Archibald sat in a little pool of misery and Josiah wrestled with his duties as a manager versus his feelings as a human being.  Eventually he took a deep breath and said,

“Now, listen to me carefully, Archibald...”  Archibald’s tear-stained face looked up at his employer.  “You asked me, yesterday afternoon, if you could borrow the vehicle and, because I was made aware of the very specific and highly significant rationale for your request, I agreed that, on this occasion only, I would accede to your entreaty.  Unfortunately, in the meantime, I had forgotten that I had agreed to the loan, hence my meeting with you this morning”

“Did you?” Archibald wiped his nose on his sleeve and looked at Josiah with some surprise.

“For the purposes of anyone asking, yes I did.”  Josiah said, firmly, “and neither of us will ever make any reference to this conversation in the future, is that clear?”

“If you say so, Mr. O.” Archibald nodded, furiously.

“But, let’s be absolutely certain, Archibald.  Under no circumstances must anything like this ever happen again.  Do we understand each other?”

“Definitely, Mr. Oakshott!  You can rely on me!”

“Then I think our meeting is concluded, Archibald.  You may return to your duties.  I will ensure that this revised version of events becomes known to the staff, in due course, and I will emphasise that this was a unique occasion which will not be repeated!  You may also wish to ask your intended…”

“Electra” Archibald prompted.

“Indeed, Electra, if she would like to telephone me to arrange a meeting at her convenience…” Seeing that Archibald was about to speak and being acutely aware of the propensity for their discussions to go off-track, Josiah quickly clarified, “by which I do not mean meeting in her lavatory.  I mean that, if she wishes to ring me at a time to suit herself, we could perhaps arrange a meeting whereby we could determine whether she was suited to, and for that matter whether she wished to pursue, a career in Undertaking.  As you know, Old Jim has finally decided to retire next month, so there will be a vacancy”

“Oh, that would be great, Mr. O.  She’ll be made up about that!”

“Well, I can make no promises, Archibald, but, as I have said before, I am keen to increase the diversity of our workforce and this would be an excellent opportunity to do so.”  Also, he thought to himself, the presence of Archibald’s fiancée in the workforce might take off some of the pressure of managing Archibald.

Archibald got up with an immense sense of relief and headed, happily, toward the door.  As he opened it, a thought occurred to him,

“There’s just one other thing, Mr. O.”

“And what would that be, Archibald?”  Josiah busied himself with some papers on his desk.

“Do you think we could borrow the firm’s cars for the wedding?”

“ABSOLUTELY NOT, ARCHIBALD!”  Josiah yelled.

“Right-ho, Mr. O.  Just checking!”  Archibald grinned broadly and made good his escape.

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