It's A Cracker! Isn't It?

The man answering the doorbell was obviously distracted.  He peered from left to right, before noticing the young boy beaming at him from a few feet away.

“Oh, I’m sorry, didn’t see you there!” He apologised, “I say, you haven’t seen my parakeet at all, have you?”

“Erm, no, I can’t say that I have” The boy, Peregrine, admitted.

“Must have got out while I had the door open” The man said, scratching his head, “still, not your problem, eh?  What can I do for you?”

“I wondered if I might help with your Christmas preparations?”  Peregrine asked, brightly.

“If you mean putting up the decorations and what not, I’m afraid you’re too late, already been done, that’s when the parakeet went missing, I suppose” The man made to close the door, “perhaps next year, eh?” he suggested, but the boy shot forward.

“No, sir, I was not proposing to assist with your decorations” He smiled, broadly, “rather I wished to demonstrate to you a wonder of the modern age which would be a major addition to your Christmas festivities”

“Oh, really!” The man said, suspiciously, “such as?”

Peregrine reached into his backpack and produced, what looked very much like, an empty fist.

“Behold!” He said, with a flourish, “the virtual Christmas Cracker!”

The man peered at the boy’s fist.

“I can’t see anything” He admitted, after a few seconds.

“That’s because it is virtual” Peregine explained, patiently.

“Oh, right!” The man nodded, sagely, having heard the term but never really understood much about it, “is this some sort of school project or other?”

“School project?” Peregrine considered for a moment, and then, “well, it has certainly arisen from a school project, quite correct sir” Peregrine was aware that the notion of a ‘school project’ was the ‘Get Out Of Jail FREE’ card for anything that involved children.

“How erm, how does it work then?”  The man asked, despite his misgivings. “Don’t you need headsets and things?”

“You would think so, would you not, sir” Peregrine grinned, “however, you are thinking of Virtual Reality, whereas this is Real Virtuality”

“Pardon?”  The man looked puzzled.

“Well, you see, sir,” Peregrine explained, warming to his theme, “Virtual Reality involves people seeing and interacting with objects that are not actually there, utilising headsets, goggles and so forth”

“Yes” The man said, warily.

“Whereas, with Real Virtuality, you interact with something that is actually there, but you just can’t see it, hence no need for headsets etc.” Peregrine concluded, with a flourish, “why not have a pull and see for yourself?” 

Peregrine held his fist out toward the man.

“What, I just pull it do I?”  The man hesitated.

“That’s right, sir” Peregrine nodded, “grab the other end and give it a sharp tug”

The man held his hand out gingerly and grasped at, apparently, thin air.

“That’s it, sir” Peregrine encouraged, “now tug”

The man pulled back, sharply and was shocked to hear a very loud BANG!  Peregrine also seemed surprised and scowled in the general direction of the other end of the drive.  A few feathers floated down, one of which, Peregrine noted, was bright green.

“Good heavens!” The man exclaimed, looking anxiously at his right fist, as if expecting to see some explosive damage.

“Pretty effective, I think you would agree, eh sir?”  Peregrine asked, with a winning smile.  “You can, of course, adjust the volume to suit your own needs”

“Astonishing!” The man continued to stare at his fist, “I don’t suppose there’s a motto?” He chuckled.

“On the contrary, sir” Peregrine coughed, meaningfully.

“Why doesn’t Captain Hook pick his nose” A young female voice asked, in a flat tone.

“I don’t know, ‘why doesn’t Captain Hook pick his nose’?” The man asked, looking all around him, quizzically.

“Because it’s rude, insanitary and just not a nice thing to do” The female voice responded, flatly.

“Ah,” The man considered for a moment, “it’s not really very funny, is it?”

“No, not really” Peregrine frowned, “however, the software is fully adjustable and, because of the AI technology…”

“AI?”

“Artificial Intelligence, sir, the program learns your taste and requirements over time, as you will see, now!” He coughed, meaningfully, again.

There was an audible sigh, followed by:

“Why did the hedgehog cross the road?” Said in a rather bored, tone.

“Erm, ok, ‘why did the hedgehog cross the road?’” The man asked, feeling rather awkward about conversing with a disembodied voice.

“To see its flatmate” The same bored voice responded.

“Ah yes, ‘flat mate’, I see” The man nodded, “perhaps not in the best of taste but certainly an improvement”

“And it will improve further, given time” Peregrine said, enthusiastically, “and all this could be yours, for just £10 for a pack of twelve, which I’m sure you will agree…”

“I don’t think…” The man began.

“Of course, each one is Wi-Fi and Bluetooth enabled” Peregrine jumped in.

“Is that important?”  The man asked, looking puzzled.

“I think it is critical in this day and age” Peregrine said, seriously.

“I suppose you’re right” The man looked thoughtful.

“Imagine, If you will, sir, the look on the faces of your family and friends,” Peregrine suggested, “when you produce these crackers at your groaning festive table.  You really could not be more at the cutting edge of 21^st Century technology, than you are with these”

“Oh well, go on then!” The man agreed, reaching into his back pocket for his wallet.

Peregrine produced a metal biscuit tin from his backpack, and exchanged it for the proffered £10 note.

“I’m sure you will be delighted with your shrewd purchase, sir” Peregrine beamed.

“Right, thank you” The man stared at the biscuit tin, looking decidedly uncertain.

“Well, I’ll be off then, sir” Peregrine zipped up his backpack and heaved it over his shoulder, “I hope you have many happy hours of enjoyment”

“Ok, thanks” The man said, beginning to close the door, “just a minute, are there any instructions?”

“All in the tin, sir.  Virtual, of course” Peregrine beamed and made a rapid exit.

“Keep an eye out for my parakeet, will you?” The man shouted after him.

“Certainly will” Peregrine nodded, waving his farewell.  He marched speedily down the drive, turned left and was joined by a young girl who appeared to be awkwardly holding a gun in her hand.  “Put that away in the backpack” Peregrine hissed, “before we get locked up!”

“It didn’t half go bang, didn’t it?”  Prudence remarked. “Grandpapa will have a fit if he finds his army revolver is missing!”

“Yes, we’re going to have to use something else, next time” Peregrine nodded, “I thought that chap was bound to figure it out when there was that tremendous bang”

“You owe me a fiver” Prudence pointed out.

“Yes, yes, all in good time” Peregrine waved her away, “I would love to see his face when it dawns on him that he’s bought an empty biscuit tin, for a tenner”

“I’d like to see his face when he finds out that I’ve shot the tail off his parakeet” Prudence looked thoughtful.

“You’ve shot his parakeet?” Peregrine looked shocked, “I told you not to wave that thing about!  How do you know it was his parakeet?”

“How many bright green birds do you know of, around here?”  Prudence asked.

“Good point, well made!” Peregrine nodded, “Hopefully, the crackers will distract him, they would me!”

“Here!” There was a shout behind them.

“Should we walk a little more quickly?” Prudence asked, casually.

“I think headlong flight might be advisable” Peregrine said, launching himself forward, with Prudence right behind.

This is the second in my trio of Christmas stories for 2022 - you can find the first story 'Oh, Christmas Tree!' by following the link