Last Rights - Part 2

Continued from Last Rights - Part 1

Josiah stared at Archibald unbelievingly for a while.

“Do you mean to say” he said, eventually, “that Mrs. Anderby is prepared to risk the safety and welfare of the crematorium staff, simply in order to fulfil a cheap joke?”

“I couldn’t rightly say, Mr. Oakshott.  I’m just telling you what she told me.”  Archibald replied, agitatedly.

“Yes, of course Archibald.  I entirely understand. “ Josiah reassured “Perhaps we could move on from that matter and address the issue that led to your presence here today?”

“The issue that…erm…well, I’m not really sure I know what that is, Mr. Oakshott”

“Perhaps if we returned to your account of your meeting with Mrs. Anderby, we might deduce the reason?” Josiah suggested, kindly.

“The meeting?  O h, yes, well, after she’d given me her instructions, I was getting ready to go, but I didn’t like the look of her”

“I never have” Josiah remarked, with feeling.  The weekly vision of Mrs. Anderby striding through the office doors to make the latest revision to her funeral arrangements had taken its toll on his good nature.

“No, I mean I thought she looked proper poorly.  Like she might go any minute.”  Archibald explained “And there was only me there.  So that’s when I asked her about the dirt”

“The dirt?”  Josiah asked, incredulously, “What do you mean by ‘the dirt’?”

“You know, the dirt!”  Archibald retorted

“I’m afraid that you have me at a disadvantage, Archibald.  To what are you referring?”

“The dirt.  My granny always used to say that ‘we all have to eat a peck of dirt before we die’”

“Oh dear!” Josiah exclaimed, as a horrible realisation swept over him.  “Am I to understand…?”

“Like I say, Mr. Oakshott, there was only me there and I thought she could go any time.  I didn’t want her to miss out.  So, I went down to the garden shed and I found some potting compost.  I didn’t want to use soil out of the garden, you never know where the cats might have been.”  Archibald explained.

“Very considerate of you, I’m sure.”

“Any road, I took the compost back to Mrs. A’s kitchen.  I wasn’t sure how much a peck was”

“No, I can imagine.”

“So, I thought, ‘better safe than sorry’ and I weighed out a pound on her kitchen scales.”

“Let me be clear about this.  You weighed out a pound of potting compost, on Mrs. Anderby’s kitchen scales?  For what purpose?” Josiah asked with foreboding.

“That’s what I’m coming to” Archibald replied, with some exasperation, “I put it in a bowl, got a dessert spoon out of the drawer, and then I went back to Mrs. Anderby and started to feed it to her, but she wasn’t very cooperative.”  Archibald shook his head at the memory.

“You were attempting to feed potting compost to Mrs. Anderby?”  Josiah yelled.

“It was John Innes’!”  Archibald shouted back, indignantly.

“The brand of the product is immaterial, Archibald” Josiah snapped.

“Well, it didn’t make any odds as it turned out” Archibald said, sulkily, “’cause just then one of her carers came back and started creating.  I tried to explain but…”

“I take it she called the Police?”

“Yeah, she did.  They weren’t any better”  Archibald said bitterly, as the injustice of the thing struck him, “You would think that professionals would know about these things” He looked pointedly at the officer by the door, who seemed to be stifling a choking fit.

“I think I have the whole picture now, Archibald.  I will speak with the arresting officer, although I must warn you that I have no idea whether your account will help or hinder your case.”  He shook his head, despairingly.  “How was Mrs. Anderby when you left?”

“Oh, she was fine! Perked up no end.  She seemed to think it was really funny, don’t know why?”  Archibald said, glumly.

“We must be thankful for small mercies, Archibald” Josiah said with some feeling.  “I will now go and see your arresting officer and we will see what transpires as a consequence.”

“Yes, Mr. Oakshott.  Thank you, Mr. Oakshott” Archibald said, mechanically. “Oh, there’s just one thing before you go, Mr. Oakshott”

“Yes” Josiah replied, cautiously.

“It’s just something Mrs. Anderby said, as they were taking me away”

Josiah sat down again, heavily.  “Tell me” he said, tersely.

“She said to tell you that she’d changed her mind about having ‘Boom, Why Does My Heart Go Boom?’”

“Really?” Josiah exclaimed

“Yes, she said she thought ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ would be more appropriate”

You can find this story, and all of the others containing Josiah and Archibald, in the new e-book 'A Dubious Undertaking and other stories'