Pick Up The Pieces (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 49)

Continued from Episode 48 - 'Burning Love'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Episode 1 - Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, have been on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  After some delay at the Customs Office in Southampton, the coffin has now been released for onward transportation.  Just in time, as Samantha has pointed out that they need to hurry, as Lady Lewisham has arranged for the body to be cremated at 12.30p.m., news that has come as something of a shock to Chantelle!  Samantha had a shock of her own when she realised that Chantelle was (arguably) the cause of Sir Lewisham's demise and that they were taking her to the funeral service!  All in all, feelings are running high, and that's without taking into account the detectives, who have their own problems and transportation issues:

 

Josiah and Chantelle made their way across the tarmac to where a hearse, containing a disgruntled Archibald Thurble, was waiting.  Chantelle looked deep in thought, whereas Josiah was firmly in panic mode.

“He said they had been having problems with the scanner” Chantelle mused.

“Hmm?”  Josiah prised himself away from the succession of worries, progressing through his mind, and turned to his companion, “I’m sorry Miss Lace, what did you say?”

“Just thinking out loud, really” Chantelle smiled, weakly, “that Customs chap, he mentioned a scanner?”

“Ah yes, standard practice I believe” Josiah nodded, “to check that we are not attempting to smuggle contraband within the disguise of a coffin”

“So, they’ve seen inside it and they were happy with what was in it?”  Chantelle looked quizzical.

“Yes, I imagine that must be the case” Josiah agreed.

“They’ll have seen that there’s a body in it,” Chantelle explained, “that’s what I mean”

“Well, yes, indeed” Josiah looked puzzled, unsure of where this line of enquiry was leading.

“Oh, good” Chantelle responded, flatly. 

So, Frankie had made it to the coffin, that was something she supposed, although not much of a comfort now that she knew it was to be cremated.

“Is there a problem, Miss Lace?” Josiah stopped and looked at her with concern, “if this is with regard to my fiancée’s somewhat, erm shall we say, blunt interventions, just now…”

“No, of course not” Chantelle shook her head and managed a weak smile, “I’m a big girl, Mr. O, I can look after myself”

“Well, yes, indeed” Josiah nodded, distractedly, “however, it does occur to me that it would perhaps be prudent for you to travel with Archibald, in the hearse, whilst I make the journey with Sam…Miss Knight and the Hambles”

“Good point, Mr. O.” Chantelle grinned, “Best not to hold a tiger by its tail, eh?” She raised a perfectly drawn eyebrow. 

“Quite!” Josiah nodded.  “I’m afraid my fiancée has been somewhat, erm…overburdened with the complexities of managing the business during our extended mission to Spain, and this has been further complicated by the change of plans regarding Sir Lewisham’s interment.”  Josiah scratched his head, distractedly, “In addition, I have, perhaps, not been as considerate as I should, with regard to the burden under which she has been placed.”  He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, “Nor have I handled communications as well as I ought to have done” He added, looking perfectly miserable.

“Cheer up, Mr. O.,” Chantelle grinned, “all relationships have their rough patches!”

“There are rough patches, Miss Lace,” Josiah said, despondently, “and then there are storms at sea in which all hands are lost”

Chantelle shook her head and sauntered over to the hearse.  There was something about that recent conversation that was niggling at her, and she couldn’t figure out quite what it was.

“Archibald!”  Josiah knocked on the driver’s side window, causing Archibald to jump out of his skin, and his reverie.  He wound the window down with a hurt expression.

“You frightened the sh…the life out of me, there!” He grumbled.

“You should have been expecting us!” Josiah snapped, “they’ve released the coffin from Customs, if you’ll just reverse into this loading bay, we should be able to get it on board.  Oh, by the way, Miss Lace will now be accompanying you on your journey”

“Miss Lace?”  Archibald looked surprised, “She’s not dressed very…funerally”

“Not dressed ‘funerally’?” Josiah frowned.

“Yeah, she’s…you know?” Archibald made a downward V manoeuvre with his hands on his chest.

“Ha!  I know what you mean, Archie” Chantelle giggled, “but I’m sorry boys, my wardrobe doesn’t run to sober and sombre.  I’m afraid what you see is what you get!”

“Miss Lace will be just fine as she is!” Josiah snapped, clearly at the end of his tether, but then turned to Chantelle and said, “Perhaps you could, sort of, shuffle down in your seat, a little?”  He raised a querying eyebrow and blushed a tinge, “I am afraid that Archibald is correct in his assumption that people do have rather set ideas about the standard of dress they expect from our profession”

“No worries, Mr. O.” Chantelle said, breezily, “I’ll try to be as unobtrusive as possible.  Come on, Archie, let’s go and get the body” She slid into the front seat of the hearse, like a snake on silk.

Archibald nodded, gloomily.

Walking around to Chantelle's side of the vehicle, Josiah asked, with a worried expression, “Are you sure you will be alright with Archibald, Miss Lace?” 

“Think nothing of it, Mr. O., we’ll be as right as ninepence!” Chantelle winked.

“Well, if there are any problems, here is my card, with my mobile number attached.  Just call me if there is anything you need” He handed over a business card with black edging.

“Ta, Mr. O. but there’s no need to worry.  Archie and me, we’ll get on like a house on fire!” 

As opposed to a coffin, she mused.

* * * *

“Aye, aye, it’s game on, Stoney” D.I. Wood nudged his colleague, “Lurch is backing into the Customs shed, so they’re picking up the coffin”

“I’ll try and follow them at a discreet distance, sir” D.S. Stone said as he turned the key. There was a whining noise from the starter motor, which did not sound too promising.

“Come on, Stoney!”  D.I. Wood (who was not blessed with patience) suggested, “you’re not telling me this bag of nails they’ve lumbered you with, won’t start now?”

“I think you have to give it time, sir” A clearly flustered D.S. Stone answered, turning the key again.

“Time is something we don’t have, Stoney” D.I. Wood snapped, “look, they’re driving out with the coffin, now.  Get a bloody move on!”

The high-pitched whining continued until, much to D.S. Stone’s relief, the engine suddenly burst into life, or, at least, an approximation of life.

“Stroll on!  I should think Noddy’s car sounded better than this!” D.I. Wood snarled.

“As long as it goes, sir” D.S. Stone replied, through gritted teeth, and eased forward, ready to join the entourage.

* * * *

 

In the limousine, silence reigned.  Samantha sat in the passenger seat and drummed her fingers idly, on the dashboard.  Amber and Lawrence Hamble shuffled, uneasily, in the plush leather seats at the rear.

“I see the hearse is leaving the building now” Amber noted, “perhaps we’ll be on our way, soon?”  She added, hopefully.

“Only if Josiah actually makes an appearance” Samantha snapped.

At that point, they spotted Josiah Oakshott, scurrying across the tarmac, from the direction of the terminal building.  The driver’s door swung open and Josiah hurled himself behind the wheel, somewhat dishevelled.

“Do forgive my tardiness” Josiah panted, “I regret that I had need to make use of the facilities in the terminal building at, somewhat, short notice”

“Can we just get on, please, Josiah?”  Samantha asked, wearily, rubbing her forehead.

“Yes, yes, indeed” Josiah answered, smiled weakly at his fiancée, smoothed his rumpled clothing and checked the vehicle mirrors.

Just then, there was a knock on the side rear window, which made Amber jump.  She peered out of the rain-spotted pane and was shocked to see, framed by the window, the neat little man from the car park in Santander, bent slightly forward, hands clasped and forcing a winning smile.  Amber, against her best instincts, took a deep breath and wound down the window.

Now read Part 50