"Is There Anybody There...?"

Archibald Thurble stood outside the office door, straightened his jacket (approximately, anyway) and his tie, took a huge breath and knocked, smartly.

“Come!” The sombre voice of Josiah Oakshott intoned.

Archibald gulped, gathered all of his courage, and stepped into the office, where he was surprised to find not just his employer, glaring at him from behind his desk, but also Samantha Knight, perched on a chair at the end of the desk and clutching a pencil and notebook.

“Ah, Archibald, take a seat” Josiah said, curtly.

“Hello Archibald, how are you?” Samantha Knight beamed in his direction.

Archibald blushed a little and said, “Very well, Ms. Knight, thanks for asking”

“Now, Archibald, as you have already noted, I have asked Ms. Knight to sit in on this interview and to take notes.  The reason for this is that this interview will form an investigatory meeting into the events…”

“Of yesterday, yeah, I know Mr. O.” Archibald nodded, furiously, “and before I say owt else I want to say that yesterday was one of them doodahs”

“Doodahs?” Josiah frowned.

“Yeah, thingummys, you know” Archibald looked desperately from Josiah to Samantha and back again, “can’t think of the phrase, it’s got summat to do with shopping from home…oh, and firewood”

“I confess to being at a loss, Archibald” Josiah’s frown deepened.

“Do you mean a catalogue, Archibald?” Samantha asked, sweetly.

“Yeah, that’s it!” Archibald said, with huge relief, “it was one of them catalogue of horrors, no, not horrors…errors!”

“Well, I think that is something we can all agree on” Josiah nodded, “both descriptions would fit admirably”

“But it weren’t my fault” Archibald insisted.

“Well, we will come to that in a moment, Archibald” Josiah opened a folder, briskly, “firstly, I think it would be helpful, to put the matter into some sort of context if you will, to review the events of yesterday, chronologically”

“Is that summat medical?” Archibald frowned “only me Nan had one of them colonoscopy thingys and I didn’t like the sound of that”

“It means to put things in the order of when they occurred, Archibald” Samantha smiled warmly at him.

“Oh, ta Ms. Knight”

“So, to continue” Josiah frowned at Samantha, who raised her eyebrows and returned to her notes, “yesterday we conducted the funeral of the Late Mr. Sharp, did we not?”

“Yeah, that’s right” Archibald nodded, enthusiastically.

“Following the service of committal at the crematorium, we then transported Mrs. Sharp and the chief mourners to the Lamb and Flag public house” Josiah read from his notes.

“Yeah, that’s right, we took ‘em up there for the Wake” Archibald nodded again, “it’s barmy, when you think about it innit, that you call the knees-up after the funeral, ‘the Wake’, when we go on about the stif…the deceased being ‘not dead but sleeping”?”

“I rather think you are trying to change the subject, Archibald” Josiah observed, darkly.

“No, just a thought” Archibald insisted, innocently.

“I think it would be fair to note, at this point, that the Late Mr. Sharp was a committed Atheist who had decreed that there should be nothing remotely religious in connection with his funeral and he explicitly insisted that there should be no reference to any sort of life after death.  I believe those were the instructions passed on to you, Ms. Knight, in your role as Celebrant, were they not?”

“Yes, that’s correct, Josiah” Samantha nodded, “also, I was made to understand that the bulk of the attendees, including his widow, shared Mr. Sharp’s convictions”

“Indeed, thank you, Ms. Knight” Josiah smiled at her, “So, to continue, after having deposited Mrs. Sharp and her entourage at the Lamb and Flag, the team, including you, Archibald, returned to these premises, is that correct?”

“That’s right, Mr. O.”

“Would you like to appraise me of the events that occurred following our arrival here at Oakshott and Underwood, Archibald?”

“Oh, right-ho, well, by the time we got back it was time for my tea break…” Archibald began.

“Isn’t it always!” Josiah muttered.

“Hang on a minute, I brought you one an’ all!”  Archibald protested.

“Indeed you did, Archibald, I do apologise.  Pray, continue”

“Right, well, any road, I thought while I’d got a few minutes to meself I’d catch up on a few things”

“And would these few things be work related?” Josiah enquired.

“Well, no, ‘cause it was me tea break” Archibald said with air of someone who was more sinned against than sinning.

“So, what exactly did you do?” Josiah steepled his fingers.

“Well, I got me phone out and I decided to send a thank-you note to all of them what came to my birthday party yesterday”

“It was your birthday, Archibald?” Samantha exclaimed, “I had no idea!  Many Happy Returns for yesterday!”

“Oh, ta Ms. Knight” Archibald blushed again, “I’m sorry I didn’t invite you to the party, only Mr. O. reckoned you and him had ‘a subsequent engagement’”

“Did he, indeed?” Samantha looked quizzically at Josiah, who blushed deeply and took a sudden interest in the papers on his desk.

“Perhaps you could tell us about this ‘thank-you note’ you sent?” Josiah suggested.

“Yeah, well I just said ‘Thanks for coming, hope you had as good a time as I did””

“That sounds perfect and to the point, Archibald” Samantha nodded, and frowned in Josiah’s direction.

“I believe your missive may have gone on to say a little more than that, didn’t it, Archibald?” Josiah raised a questioning eyebrow.

“Oh yeah, well me Mam always reckons…”

Josiah visibly winced, but Archibald ploughed on, anyway,

“…me Mam says you shouldn’t just be terse, you should put summat chatty in when you’re sending stuff to friends and relatives”

“Very good advice, Archibald” Samantha nodded.

“Yeah, ta,” Archibald grinned, “so, any road, I put “Innit hot today?  It were like Hell where I’ve just been!” ‘Cause I was sweating cobs in that crematorium waiting room, you know what it’s like in there, don’t you Mr. O.?

“It can be a little temperate, I agree, Archibald.”  Josiah nodded, “So, to summarise, your ‘thank-you note’ said, ‘Thanks for coming, hope you had as good a time as I did.  Innit hot today?  It were like Hell where I’ve just been!”  Does that adequately reflect the content?”

“Yeah, that were it” Archibald agreed.

“And to whom did you send this missive?”

“Well, I hadn’t got a lot of time before I had to get back to work, what with me being indigent and stuff”

“I think you might mean ‘diligent’?” Samantha suggested, looking up from her notes.

“Oh ar, yeah, that’s the word!” Archibald grinned at her.

“Go on, Archibald” Josiah sighed.

“So, what with not having much time and stuff, I decided to send it to all my contacts, ‘cause most of them were at the party any road” Archibald explained.

“I’ve got to admit, I can’t see why any of this is a problem, Josiah?” Samantha admitted.

“All will become clear in a moment, my dear” Josiah said, sombrely, “perhaps you would like to explain why this was a problem, eh Archibald?”

“Well, it wouldn’t have been if it weren’t for…” Archibald struggled to find the words.

“If it was not for…?” Josiah prompted.

“It weren’t my phone” Archibald admitted, miserably.

“’It weren’t your phone’” Josiah summarised, “perhaps you would enlighten Ms. Knight as to whose phone it was?”

“It were that Mr. Sharp’s” Archibald mumbled, a picture of misery. “We’d found it in his pocket when we first brought him in and I meant to return it, only I couldn’t find it.  I must have picked it up in the workshop when I was having me break and it’s the same make and stuff as mine…”  His explanation petered out.

“To summarise then, you sent a text, which to all intents and purposes would have appeared to have come from the deceased, to all of the mourners and his widow, and this immediately following his cremation…”

“Mmmm” Archibald nodded.

“… which contained the message: ‘Thanks for coming, hope you had as good a time as I did.  Innit hot today?  It were like Hell where I’ve just been!’, is that correct?”  Josiah glared at his employee.

“Yeah” Archibald sniffled, “I’m sorry.  I thought they might see the funny side?”

“SEE THE FUNNY SIDE?!” Josiah shouted, “have you taken leave of your senses?  You expected a group of committed atheists, who absolutely do not recognise the possibility of life after death, to see the funny side on receiving a message like that from the dear departed?  You do realise there was nearly a riot at the Lamb and Flag when your message arrived?”

“I heard as how they called the police” Archibald muttered, miserably.

“His widow, our client, Mrs. Sharp, is under sedation” Josiah pointed out.

“Took it badly, did she?” Archibald enquired.

“OF COURSE, SHE TOOK IT BADLY!” Josiah screeched.

“Do calm down, Josiah, think of your blood pressure” Samantha said, solicitously.

“Yes, intemperate of me, I do apologise” Josiah took some deep breaths.

“You know, I appreciate things haven’t gone all that well, but I can’t really see that Archibald has done much wrong?” Samantha suggested.

Josiah looked at her incredulously.

“No, hear me out” She raised an admonitory finger, “all he did was send a ‘thank you note’, which was pretty innocent in content, on what he thought was his phone, admittedly during working hours.  That the message should have gone to the wrong people and that it should have been misconstrued in the way that it was, is just, well, rather unfortunate, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s like I said at the start, it’s one of them cat-a-thingys” Archibald agreed, seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

“But, my dear, you should see the letters of complaint that I have” Josiah gestured to the bulky file on his desk, “not to mention the threat of legal action from Mrs. Sharp’s solicitors”

“Who are her solicitors?”

“Skinner and Quibble”

“Oh, I know Old Man Skinner, he’s a sweetheart, let me have a word with him” Samantha purred, “I’m sure if you and Archibald draft a letter of apology to all concerned, a lot of this will simply go away”

“Yeah” Archibald nodded, enthusiastically, “and if the worst comes to the worst, we could always sell the story to the newspapers and make a few bob?”

Josiah put his head in his hands and moaned, audibly.

“Archibald?” Josiah muttered, from the sanctity of his hands.

“Yes, Mr. O.?”

“GET OUT!”

“Right-ho, Mr. O.!”

Archibald made a hurried but determined exit, closing the door on the muffled sobbing, and glad to have survived another day at Oakshott and Underwood.