White Lines? (Don't Do It) (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 23)

Continued from Episode 22 - 'Reach Out, I'll Be There'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock. Now united with their quarry, Josiah, Archibald and Chantelle are on the road, heading for Santander and the ferry.  Meanwhile, Lawrence and Amber's holiday finally started in earnest in Castiliano de la Ribera and seemed to be going well, until Amber had an unfortunate encounter with a hand on her bottom.  The fact that the hand was no longer extant, did not help:

 

Amber, despite the comforting presence of a foil hypothermia blanket, and the ministrations of a woman police officer, sat and shivered.

The entire establishment of the hotel, staff and residents, were sitting on the restaurant terrace in various states of disarray. The scene was sporadically illuminated by the flashing lights of the police cars parked on the front.

"Well, that was interesting" Lawrence remarked cheerfully as he returned and sat down beside her, "I've just been chatting to that policeman over there, speaks pretty good English, actually"

Amber continued to stare straight ahead, shivering.  The policewoman took Lawrence’s return as a cue to rejoin her colleagues.

“Anyhow, it seems that they think ‘it’, or rather ‘he’, came from next door.  The undertakers’” Lawrence added, by way of explanation, “they don’t know why or how, or even who ‘he’ is for that matter, but that’s the theory they’re working on at the moment.”

Amber turned and regarded him coldly. “Do I take it, from your cosy chat with the constabulary, that they no longer regard me as a murder suspect?”

“Oh no, not at all.” Lawrence shook his head, “Apparently, whoever ‘he’ was, had been dead for some time, long before we got here.  There were signs of the undertaker’s work on the body, they said.  Really odd ‘him’ turning up in the drawer of your bed like that!” Lawrence was quite enjoying the intrigue and excitement of the situation.

“Odd!  ODD!!!”  Amber’s rising tone was attracting worried glances from their immediate neighbours, “Is that all you’ve got to say about it, that it’s ODD?” 

“Please Amber, don’t get upset” Lawrence glanced around to see who had noticed, “You’ve got to admit, it is a little strange.  Still, no harm done.”

“NO…HARM…DONE?” The neighbours began to shrink away, sensing imminent danger even when delivered in a foreign language.  “Are you absolutely out of your tiny mind?  I’ve been groped by a corpse in the middle of the night and you say ‘there’s no harm done’!”

“Well, perhaps that wasn’t a good choice of phrase…”  Lawrence began.

“You think?” Amber snorted.

“What I meant was, that at least it wasn’t a murder, or a violent crime of some sort.  Just an unfortunate mix-up.”

“I want to go back to the room.”  Amber stated, flatly.

“You can’t dear, it’s a crime scene.”  Lawrence reflected for a moment, and then had a bright thought, “Here, you’ll laugh about this.  Apparently, the police were telling me, when you screamed as loudly as you did, some people in the neighbouring villages took it for a tsunami warning.  One or two even started to head for the hills” He chuckled, “What about that, eh?”

“I want to go back to the room”

“I’ve already said, we can’t dear.  Probably not for some time.  Apart from anything else, the bedroom window smashed when you screamed but, to be fair to the hotel, they’ve said they won’t charge us for that, which is kind of them.  I’m sure they’ll fix us up with something else.”

Amber continued to stare at the horizon “I don’t want another room.”

“No, I understand dear, it was rather splendid, wasn’t it?”  Lawrence nodded and sighed, “But, what with the window and it being a crime scene and everything, I’m afraid we may not have a lot of choice in the matter.”

“I mean, I don’t want a room, full stop!  I want to pack and get as far away from this hell-hole as possible.”

“Now really, Amber, I think that’s a little drastic.  Bit of a knee-jerk reaction, don’t you think?  I’m sure, when we’ve both had a good night’s sleep, we’ll be able to laugh about this in the morning.”

Amber turned and stared coldly at Lawrence, who gulped as an icy chill ran down his spine.

“No, I suppose you’re right, probably not” He agreed.

“I want to pack, and I want to go home, now!”

“Really dear?  Are you sure?”  Lawrence pleaded.

“I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.”

“I suppose I could go and check the flight times” Lawrence offered, miserably.

“You needn’t bother.  I’m not going through that performance again.”  Amber stood with a determined look on her face.  The sea breeze trailed the foil blanket from her shoulders like a super-hero’s cape.  In the dim light of the hotel terrace, she looked like an avenging angel with a particular grievance.  “We’ll catch a ferry.  They go from Santander.  That policewoman said there’s one sailing tomorrow and we’re going to be on it.”

“But, darling, that’s such a long way away, and then there’s the matter of the hire car…” Lawrence began, despondently.

“Sort it, Lawrence” Amber’s stony gaze took in the stroboscopic lights of the police vehicles and the hunched and miserable residents of the hotel surrounding her, “Just sort it!”

******

 

The yellow van pulled off the main road and into a makeshift car park situated next to a reasonably modern café.  The bumps and hollows of the track down caused Archibald and Chantelle to wake from their respective slumbers, much to the quiet enjoyment of Josiah, for whom the last four hours navigating mostly empty roads had been punctuated by the snores and whistles emanating from his companions.

"Are we there yet?" Archibald asked, in time-honoured fashion.

"I fear we are not, Archibald.  I have diverted from our journey briefly in order to purchase some refreshment and to visit the usual offices"

Chantelle reluctantly parted company with Archibald's shoulder and rubbed her eyes.

"How long have we been travelling now, Mr. O.?" She yawned.

"Just under four hours, Miss Lace.  We are not a million miles away from Toledo"

"I've heard of that" Archibald said, enthusiastically, "can't think why though?"

"At one time, it was the capital of Spain, although I doubt that is why it figures in your consciousness, Archibald.  It is, however, famous for its steel."

"Got a lot of ducks, have they?" Archibald mused.

Chantelle looked at Josiah quizzically, who shrugged and parked the van.

"Archibald, would you be kind enough to see what the café may have to offer in terms of drink and foodstuffs?  I will join you shortly but need to take advantage of their sanitary conveniences.  Can we get something for you, Miss Lace?"

"I'll mooch in with Archie here and see what's cooking, straight after I've popped in to the little girl's room too"

The three travellers crunched across the expanse of gravel toward the café area, each in their own little world.  Chantelle, because she had just woken up from a deep and quite contented sleep.  Archibald because that was his natural state and Josiah because he was deep in thought.  Suddenly, he stopped, slapped his forehead and said,

"Teal!" causing both Archibald and Chantelle to jump, "You thought I said that Toledo's famous for its teal!"

"Ducks, yeah" Archibald confirmed.

"I was referring to Toledo steel.  A very hard steel famed for its use in sword-making in ancient times.  Not ducks!"

"Oh, right!” Archibald nodded and considered this new information, “Pity.  I'm partial to them pancake things what you roll, you know, with duck and plum sauce, thought they might have them here, if they're into ducks and all that"

"They are not, to the best of my knowledge" Josiah responded.

"You go and see what's on the menu, Archie, while Mr. O. and I powder our noses" Chantelle giggled.

"Powder your…" Archibald began

"It is an expression, Archibald.  Just an expression" Josiah said firmly as Chantelle marched off.

“Oh, right, only I was thinking…” Archibald placed a finger against one nostril whilst snorting noisily through the other.

Josiah looked at him in bemusement.

“You know!”  Archibald insisted, making the action again.

“I am afraid that you have me completely at a loss, this time, Archibald” Josiah shook his head.

“I mean…” Archibald looked around him wildly before saying, in a stage whisper, “DRUGS!”

“Drugs?”  Josiah looked at him, quizzically, “Oh, you mean cocaine?”

“Yeah, that’s the one!” Archibald agreed, with some relief.

“Why ever would you think that?”

“Well, she said about powdering her nose and we don’t know nowt about her really, do we?”

“I’m sure it was just an innocent expression” Josiah insisted, hopefully.  “Anyway, how do you know so much about it?  I do hope you have not been partaking?”

“Oh, come on Mr. O.!”  Archibald said, vehemently, “you saw how that pill of yours took me back at the airport!  You can’t think I’d mess with drugs?”

“No, no, you are quite correct, Archibald” Josiah rubbed his eyes and stifled a yawn, “I am somewhat fatigued and, I am afraid, as a consequence not thinking as clearly as I should.  Do forgive me”

“No problem, Mr. O.  Any road, you wouldn’t catch me doing owt like that, not since me Nan found some white powder on top of the cistern at her local”

“I trust she reported it?”

“Well, yeah…” Archibald squirmed a little, “eventually.  You know how she’s up for owt?  Well, she thought she’d give it a try, see what all the fuss was about, style of thing”

“Most unwise” Josiah shook his head.

“Yeah, as it turned out” Archibald nodded, “seems it was scouring powder, the cleaner had just popped out to fetch a cloth.  Me Nan couldn’t blink for a week…”

“Oh dear!”  Josiah sympathised, distractedly, as he marched toward the building.

“…and every time she sneezed, the toilet flushed!”

Now read Part 24