"Who was that masked man?"

 

He was enjoying one of those light-hearted crime thrillers.  The sort where the ever-increasing body count of corpses, suspiciously lacking in any form of gore, is leavened by the banter between the detective and his sidekick.  His enjoyment was suddenly curtailed by a terrible bang outside, as if someone had driven a forklift truck into a tin shed.  He raced to the front door, to be greeted by the sight of a small boy steering a smaller girl away from the garage door and trying to check on her level of consciousness.

“What the…!” The man began.

“Ah, good evening, sir” Peregrine turned to address the resident of the house, “do please accept my apologies for our rather dramatic entrance.  I regret that my sister, Prudence, was, as you will no doubt ascertain, temporarily blinded by her mask and inadvertently walked into your garage door, generating a certain tintabulation.  I do hope that we have not unduly intruded upon your evening’s entertainment?”

“Well, I…” the man noticed that Prudence’s face was totally covered by her face mask, right up to her hair line.  “Why is her face covered like that?”

“Ah yes, I agree that is unfortunate.  You see, Prudence here is demonstrating our new line in low maintenance, high efficiency face masks, guaranteed to stop all viral and bacterial particles from making any intrusion on your nasal cavities” Peregrine explained.

“But it covers her eyes and everything” the man pointed out, reasonably.

“Yes, indeed.  There you have hit upon the nub and the gist of the thing.  You see, we currently only have adult sizes in stock and Prudence, being somewhat on the smaller side of things, is somewhat ill-suited to displaying the amazing properties of this mask.  Nevertheless, she was adamant that she wanted to give it a go!”

Prudence yanked her mask down and glared at Peregrine.

“I did not!” She snapped, “I didn’t want to wear it at all on account of I don’t have to ‘cause I’m not old enough, but you said it would look better if I wore one ‘cause of the sympathy factor.  I told you I couldn’t see a thing when I was wearing it!”

“Sympathy factor indeed!” Peregrine chuckled, slapping Prudence playfully on the back but with sufficient force to propel her once more into the garage door, “she will have her little joke!”

“So, what’s special about these masks then?” The man asked.

“I’m glad you asked that” Peregrine nodded, “apart from their amazing protective qualities, these masks are guaranteed to never fog your glasses”

“Your glasses are fogging up” the man pointed out, reasonably.

“Yes, I can see your misconception” Peregrine nodded, “my glasses are not, in actuality, ‘fogging up’ as you term it.  They are, in point of fact, mildly opaque in the lower quadrant.  It’s a fashion statement”

“So fashionable, he walked into a lamppost around the corner” Prudence muttered, still brooding about her collision with the garage door.

“These masks can be yours for the trifling sum of just £5 each” Peregrine moved quickly to turn the conversation back to the point.

“£5!” The man exclaimed, “I don’t think I’ll bother, ta” and went to shut the door, but Peregrine’s foot was that bit faster and the door stayed ajar.

“You didn’t allow me to finish, sir” he continued, cheerily, “I was about to continue with the all-important acronym, BOGOF”

“Sums my feelings up exactly” the man commented.

“By which I mean, Buy One Get One Free!” Peregrine continued, determinedly, holding up two examples of the masks, “You could own two of these scientific miracles for the frankly laughable price of just £2.50 each!”

“Thanks for the laugh, but I think I’ll keep my fiver in my wallet” the man grinned and tried to close the door.

“Well, in that case, perhaps I could interest you in our lottery?”  Peregrine persisted.

“Lottery?”

“Yes, indeed, and one with a prize that could transform your life” Peregrine’s eyebrows, which were the only expressive parts of his face visible over the giant mask, arched.

“What is it then?  Like a million quid or something?” The man chuckled.

“Better than that” Peregrine said, firmly, “you will, no doubt, have heard of the vaccine that is shortly to be rolled out which will, in all probability, grant a degree of normality to those who are the lucky recipients?”

“I’ve seen the stories on the news, yeah” the man agreed, guardedly.

“Then you will, without question, be keen to be vaccinated at the earliest opportunity?” Peregrine suggested.

“I suppose so.  Hadn’t really thought about it”

“Well, you should sir, and our lottery gives you exactly that opportunity!”

“Are you saying that you’ve got a shot of the vaccine that you’re giving away as a prize?”

“That doesn’t quite capture the nature of this opportunity…” Peregrine began.

“It’s our gran!” Prudence announced.

“I’m sorry?  What’s your gran?” The man looked puzzled.

“He’s got our gran to agree to give up her spot, when the time comes, in return for half of the proceeds” Prudence explained, “she should be one of the first to get it on account of how vulnerable she is”

“Prudence is somewhat simplifying the parameters of the operation within which our offer operates” Peregrine said, hurriedly.

“Let me get this right, then” the man said, stroking his chin, “if I win this lottery of yours, I’d have to go to the clinic and crack on that I’m your gran?”

“Well, I wouldn’t characterise the situation in precisely those terms…” Peregrine mused.

“Hang on a minute!  Don’t I know you two?  Weren’t you the ones who came around here bouncing a ball of Semtex?”

“That hardly seems likely, now does it, sir?”  A bead of perspiration formed on Peregrine’s usually untroubled forehead.

“And didn’t you come round here carol-singing one time?  She made an appalling noise and I had to cough up to get her to go away!”

“Leg it Pru, he’s rumbled us” Peregrine whispered out of the side of his mouth, then turning to the occupier he said “I take it then, sir, that you do not wish to avail yourself of these amazing opportunities?”

“You can take it however you want, Sunny Jim.  After I’ve shut this door, I’m calling the Police!”

“Entirely your loss, sir.” Peregrine shouted over his shoulder as he bustled Prudence along the driveway and down the street.

“Well, well done Pru!” Peregrine said, sarcastically, as they rounded the corner.

“You shouldn’t have let me walk into the garage door!” Prudence grumbled.

“I didn’t know you couldn’t see where you were going!  Anyway, that’s my noise-cancelling ear buds down the drain!” Peregrine muttered, bitterly.

“What about me?  You said I could get that doll that vomits and wees itself, if we made enough money”

“Perhaps there is a Santa Claus after all?” Peregrine smirked, “come on, I’ll buy you a bag of chips on the way home”

“Ooh, can I have gravy with them?” Prudence’s eyes (being the only visible part of her face, now that the mask had been pulled down) twinkled.

“If you must!” Peregrine groaned, “thinking about it, doesn’t Gran have one of those lanyards that go around your neck that mean you don’t have to wear a mask?”

“Yes, ‘cause she’s a cop” Prudence confirmed.

“No, I think you mean she has COPD” Peregrine explained, “It’s not pronounced ‘Copped’ and it doesn’t mean she belongs to the Police force.  Still, there must be quite a market for those, mustn’t there?”  He rubbed his hands in glee and grinned, “batter bits all round, I think!”