bad poem

By pom99

Wed, 12 Sep 2012

1285 reads

4 comments

Standing around
I watch the woods burn.
Dew drops of temptation
whimper and melt
with the sundown.
Choked embers of passion
hang in the night.
In the forest,
sapped memories
ejaculate in warm despair
you are once again
just another unrequited stare.

Comments

cant help but think of

Permalink Submitted by MS on Wed, 2012-09-12 13:48

cant help but think of someone standing in a neighbours garden peering through their bedroom window. Love the line just another unrequited stare. Interesting poem.

thank you ms for your

Permalink Submitted by pom99 on Wed, 2012-09-12 19:34

thank you ms for your feedback. means a lot.

I like this, pom99. You need

Permalink Submitted by The Walrus on Wed, 2012-09-12 15:29

I like this, pom99. You need to eliminate the capitals that are not at the beginning of sentences, and I would also have a play with the punctuation. For instance, I would put a full stop after 'burn' and take out the comma after 'temptation' to me it flows better that way. , 'Sapped memories Ejaculate in warm despair. You are once again Just another unrequited stare.' - I particularly like that neat conclusion.

Thanks for your observations

Permalink Submitted by pom99 on Wed, 2012-09-12 19:35

Thanks for your observations walrus. I agree with your suggestions.