Humbling Experience

I went to market yesterday and met a woman who
Told me my arse was in the way and would I kindly shoo.
I said "Good lady, my sweet arse is small and firm and great
I'm sure that you could squeeze right past if only you'd lose weight
-
Your stomach is an elephant and from your noxious stink
I can tell you have a penchant for some garlic flavoured drink?"
The lady went bright purple and she took me by the ear
And she dragged me like a turtle and said "Take a look my dear!"
A mirror stood before me and she made me look quite hard
At how my chubby botty did resemble purest lard.
I couldn't get away from it, I had to 'cede defeat:
My arse was big as Hades' Pit and made of wrinkled meat.
I shuffled home in sorrow with a heart heavy and dark
And from my flatmate borrowed clothes as big as Regents Park
To try and hide my backside from the eyesight of the world
For an arse that's 50 metres wide is bound to make you hurl,
And I didn't want to be the one that killed the world by chunder
Instead I'll always hide my arse until I'm six-feet under.