An Outlet

Jenny: (VO) I want to cry. My face keeps squinching up as if it's
about to, but it won't complete the process. All the squinching amounts
to nothing. It hurts. It's grinding from the inside out. I don't want
it to be like this. I want to go home. I want it to be happy again. I
want to have someone to talk to. I want to feel safe and happy and
comfortable and not..like I do now. I'm crying now. So the squinching
has finally decided to amount to something.

Why did she have to be so terrible? She's repulsive. Screaming into her
face, I saw nothing but her thick mascara and gold eye shadow. Nothing
but the crow's feet stretching out beside her eyes and the deepening
grooves spreading up from the sides of her mouth. I wanted to punch
her, but I didn't. I couldn't, really. That would bring the police into
it. What joy does she derive from this? What sick sadist
pleasure?

Henry: Are you all right?

Jenny: I don't know&;#8230;No..I don't think so.

Henry: Should I pull over?

Jenny: No, it's all right. Just go. We need to get there
soon.

Henry: Can I come with you to Huey's?

Jenny: I have no problem with it.
vHenry: I'm glad it's not raining.

Jenny: Me too.

Jenny: (VO) I feel like I'm going to die. Something edgy scraping at
the inside of me. Pulling at the pathways to my stomach, clawing at my
liver, scraping at my kidneys. I shouldn't have watched that movie. I
should have run out when she started screwing Bubba.

Henry: Why are you so edgy?

Jenny: I don't know. Maybe it's the music. Let me turn it
off. Please. I can't take it.

Henry: Whatever will make you feel better.

Jenny: Can I put on AFI?

Henry: Put on AFI.

Jenny: (VO) I sat across from my father in The Dixie Caf?. I couldn't
bear to look at him for too long. He's upset. I know he is. Neither one
of us can talk about it. I walked out of the restaurant and kept my
face turned away from him. It won't make it better. I don't want him
holding me. I want something else. Anything else. I hate this
chaos.

Jenny: Maybe it's all this sexual repression.

Henry: Maybe you need to go home and masturbate.

Jenny: That never works.

Henry: It doesn't work because you're lazy.

Jenny: I know. I don't have any self-motivation.

Henry: Then get some self-motivation.

Jenny: It's not that simple.

Jenny: (VO) I thought about him in Dixie Caf?. Thought about
what I might say to him when and if he ever calls me someday in the
future. I thought about what I'd say to him if he ever asked us to be
friends or even lovers again. I'd say, "I just can't trust you to be
there for me anymore." Because I can't. That's dead. He wasn't a help.
He was an aggravation like a small hungry animal gnawing at your
strongest barrier until it was broken down by its own saliva. He made
up obstacles for us not to be together for a while that only he saw.
How could I love someone who believed I was crazy? Pre-schizophrenic?
Too "histrionic"?

For the first time in my life, I find comfort in nothing. I could run
to someone, but I'd hate myself. I could lean on someone, but I'd hate
them. I could confide in someone, but I know they wouldn't understand.
I thought he understand once, but in the end, all he did was use it
against me.

Henry: Why do you hate this?

Jenny: It's just not my type of music.

Henry: But Les Claypool is awesome!

Jenny: It just grates on my nerves. I like it when he
actually sings but all of this instrumental stuff is just crap.

Henry: Well, what do you think we're going to listen to when
I pick you up on Tuesday?

Jenny: Oh God, I hope not.

Henry: This isn't about something I did, is it?

Jenny: No..I don't think so.

Henry: Is it 'no', or you don't think so?

Jenny: Well, there was one thing.

Henry: What?

Jenny: You rubbed your finger across my elbow in the movie
theater.

Henry: When did I do that?

Jenny: When we were in "The kid stays in the picture".

Henry: Why'd it bother you?

Jenny: It reminded me of something.

Henry: Of what?

Jenny: I don't know..That feeling of closeness you get around
a lover. Things like that really set me on edge now.

Henry: Well, I just want you to know that if you don't tell
me about these things, I won't know. I wouldn't intentionally do
something to you to make you feel uncomfortable.

Jenny: I know.

Jenny: (VO) I thought about the way things turned out. How we never had
any separation besides those 3 weeks. Nothing. Maybe things would have
been different.

Henry: You shouldn't keep worrying or thinking about the
'what if's, you know.

-Cut To:-

Nathan: So..how ya been?

Jenny: Fine..you?

Nathan: I've been&;#8230;decent.
How's&;#8230;Kyle?

Jenny: I wouldn't know. We don't talk anymore.

Nathan: (tightly) Why not?

Jenny: Well&;#8230;why would we?

Nathan: I thought you two were all&;#8230; "buddy,
buddy".

Jenny: No..we never really were. Hell&;#8230;all we had in
common was you.

Nathan: Yeah&;#8230;

(Long pause.)

Jenny: (softly) I'm sorry if this is awkward for you.

Nathan: &;#8230;.I wouldn't say it's exactly
awkward&;#8230; It's just really hard. I know you have no idea what
it feels like.

Jenny: I know&;#8230;I'm sorry.

Nathan: I just don't understand how in one fucking night the
two people I love the most could just&;#8230;do that to
me&;#8230;


(Jenny nods slightly.)
Nathan: Well..hey..come here..It'll be easier for me to talk to you
once this sort of distance is closed.

(Jenny gets up and sits beside him. She leans her head on his
shoulder and wraps her arms around his waist. He sighs, and very
familiarly begins fiddling with her hair, twisting it gently around his
fingers.)

Nathan: (softly) Why..did you do it?

Jenny: (reclines her head back so she can look right into his
eyes) The big reason?

-Cut To:-

Jenny: (VO) Sometimes, when I squeeze my eyes shut as hard as
I possibly can, I think I can see the constellation of Orion on my
eyelids. This doesn't make me feel any better.
I never knew people could be so cruel until I saw my mother look at my
father and say, "You disgust me". To look at the person whom you are
supposed to love, and turn away from them during a disagreement and
say.. "You disgust me".. It amazed me. Awed me like watching someone be
murdered on TV for the first time. You know it's terrible. You know
it's hideously disgusting, and you'll have nightmares about it for
weeks to come; yet you keep watching.

Henry: You're not crazy.

Jenny: Then why in hell am I feeling like this?

Henry: Maybe it's because of that terrible movie.

Jenny: Well&;#8230;.I don't know&;#8230;.The first time
I saw that movie, the 2nd movie, my mom and I had a huge fight after
that. Maybe these feelings are just coming out because I saw that movie
again and linked it to the event that came afterward.

Henry: Maybe.

Jenny: Usually when I feel like this I run out and get a
boyfriend.

Henry: That'd be a bad idea right now.

Jenny: I know. The idea of a relationship right now disgusts
the hell out of me.

Henry: Maybe that's a good thing.

Jenny: Yeah. Maybe so.

Jenny: (VO) I saw Possessions with Mary last night. I tried to feel
something romantic while I watched it. I tried to call up feelings I
used to have after watching a romantic movie, but I couldn't. The ones
I did call up were muted, forced. I liked the movie, but I hated the
romance. I hated the complication that erupted between the married Ash
and the lesbian La Mot. Who would even think a lesbian could feel so
passionately for a man? A married one, at that? They were so madly in
love, and as fate would have it, things didn't work out for them.

Love, damn it all. All kinds of love place us in this web of
masochistic happiness. We are happy even when our loved ones hurt us to
the core, because we love them! Because we are so foolishly lost in our
love for them! So lost that when we have fights, terrible ones, all we
want is just one sign so that we can run back into their arms.

Henry: Why did you spend last night in a hotel room?

Jenny: I don't want to talk about it.

Henry: Not want to talk about it now, or ever?

Jenny: I don't want to talk about it right now.

Henry: All right. How long are you going to stay there?

Jenny: Maybe just another night.

Henry: That's good.

Jenny: I guess.

The End.