Addiction Diary Number 1

Great meeting tonight. Feel like I'm getting back on track. In truth I have let my guard slip big time of late. Taking my recovery for granted, thought that I was the man, thought that I was whiter than white.

How wrong I have been.

I have reeked havoc over the last couple of weeks, destroyed the affection of my most precious one. She has given everything and more to me.

Again and again and again.

She feels like shit, used up and exhausted. I did that to her, and me only. My selfishness has no bounds when I don't think straight, when I don't take a deep breath. It's hard to live with that at the moment. She deserves a better service than what I have given her.

She has the right to make her choices.

I need these meetings. I started to deny that over the past month. Became judgmental of other people, when I'm only a novice. I have to start helping, doing more in every aspect of this life. Then and only then can I free myself of this need to be the centre of attention. The need of mountains of cocaine to amplify it. I do it because I am scared of being left out and found out.

It would be a good feeling to be wanted, because I can be useful and considerate. Loving and attentive. Instead of this 'look at me, help me' rubbish.

I fucking hate being a show pony. It's so self-seeking.

Another meeting tomorrow. AA at Whipps Cross with the little man. Never been to AA before. It's all addiction I guess. Then the Woolwich meeting on Thursday to support Jackson who is chairing.

Toying with the idea of the Priory on Friday. It was one of the first meetings that I ever went to and have not been back there in a while. It's a big, loud gathering with loads of rich people, with cars, haircuts and egos. They all seem to want to sleep with each other.

I like the smaller intimate ones, but I should go. I must not judge and resent.

Should go to Horsham on Saturday to see 'Snow White'. Have to talk to Simon about directing next year.

Application sent. Should get short-listed. It's no big deal either way.

Pissed off at the squirrels for eating through the data cable and shutting down the box office today. (Am I allowed to be angry at a squirrel? Might have to call my sponsor to get the definitive answer.)

Hope she sleeps well and she feels safe.