California Diary 7

L.A 13th August 10.12am

' Crystal Meth is rampant here in Hollywood. Cocaine is dead.'

Michael tells me this as we are driving towards the fleshpots of West Hollywood for a tour of duty that won't even have me leaving the car. I just want to look a little, a kind of affirmation that I have achieved something right over the last year. I have to keep myself at a huge arms length from a world that I only know too well.

Watching kids no younger than my brother's daughter sell themselves to drug misery leaves me cold and sad. The returning regret churns in me for what I once did to others and myself. These kids fall like creased playing cards. They drive away in stranger's cars for sex and ruin. All to the arpeggios of screeching rubber and quarter lights. It's too much to bear and I become short of breath.

This is nothing to do with me anymore. I don't even want to be a voyeur. I ask Michael to take me back to Paula's.

Earlier in the evening. We go to a little Hollywood party. There are some actors, writers and music people there. We eat hot-dogs and I drink a little wine. The people here are good and interesting. I learn a lot about B-Movies that are shot in Mexico.

It's good to see Michael after twenty years. He has not changed a bit. Camp, pretty and organised. He is trying to make his move selling real estate. He is finding it hard going, but I know that he will make it. He has a survival instinct that will never be quelled. He looks a little like George Michael in his aviator sunglasses and tells some pretty sordid stories about the Hollywood underbelly.

I tell him I have seen all that and can tell a few tales myself, but frankly, they bore me to hell these days.

Earlier, I go with Paula to see a movie about Al Gore and his campaign to enlighten the world about the dangers of Global Warming. It's frightening that America just does not seem to care that we as a planet are in peril, and could literally go under the sea within years. Still, there is always a lot of meat and candy to eat before that happens kids. At least our body fat will keep us afloat.

I think of home as I try to sleep. Think of what I have left behind and the purpose of this trip. I came here to reflect on the things that I did, and find some self-resolutions that will hopefully return me home enlightened a little. In short. I came here to have huge word with myself and get sorted. On the whole that is happening which is wonderful. I cannot and will not let myself slide into such a mess ever again. I hurt people I love because I was out of control, panic stricken and greedy. I think that I may leave London soon for good. It's time. It's fine.

Quote of the day:
May I never grow so old again.
Van Morrison.