Beware the Sligo toilets.

On the last night of our holiday in Sligo we ate out at a restaurant. When we started to peruse the menu my wife went into a fit of the giggles and pointed at the ‘Special of the day’. It offered a main course, dessert, tea or coffee for 30 Euros. This was said to include a service charge and free use of the toilet facilities!!

I joined my wife in her giggling and we composed ourselves eventually, ordered the special and forgot about the free visit to the toilet to which we were entitled. Before leaving I decided to claim my right and toddled off to the facilities.

When I walked through the door I was greeted by a dapper young chap in a smoking jacket who looked like Stephen Fry. He was standing in a booth over which ran the title “Chairman of the Board” and he was wearing a fez.

“Good evening sir, can I help you?” he asked.

“I’m looking for the toilet”, I replied with some hesitation.

“Ah, well you’ve come to the right place. Do you mind me asking, is it the ladies or gents you require?”

I wanted to punch him and smash his twinkling teeth, but instead I said “Gents will do”. So lame.

“Very well. And will sir be standing or sitting this evening may I ask?”

It was such an unexpected and impertinent enquiry that I had it answered before its inappropriateness fully registered in my brain - “Standing, please”. I actually appended an obsequious ‘please’!

“That will be 2 Euro sir”, the man said.

My brain was catching up with all the incongruity by this time so I objected to the charge pointing out the ‘free use of toilet facilities’ on the menu which sounded ridiculous as I was saying the words.

“Ah, you had the special sir. You should have said so! Let me guess, the salmon followed by crème brûlée? Am I right? he wagered, winking at me and smacking his lips. “Excellent choice”.

It was getting too much for me.

Then he asked, “And has sir already had his coffee?”

“Yes and now sir wants to go to the toilet, the free toilet for which he is not paying 2 Euro”, I bellowed, sounding even more ridiculous.

“Ah well sir, that’s a different matter”, the impudent ‘Chairman of the Board’ said with an admonishing frown. “The free visit to the lavatory must be taken between courses, and since you have finished your meal the offer is terminated. Now, sir, do you wish to proceed to the facilities?”

I slammed a 2 Euro coin onto the counter. “Yes, I want to use your lavatory”.

“Certainly sir. Follow me and I’ll show you to your stall”.