My Typical Interview

“Come in Mr. Laurence. Nice to meet you. Have a seat, let’s talk a bit shall we?”

“Sure thing,” I replied hastily, hoping to appear alert and a good listener. “But I feel I should tell you that I forgot my bifocals in the car and can’t see worth a darn without ‘em.”

“No matter. Don’t worry about it, after all,” said the burly human relations expert seated before me. “We here at Grunt’s Department Store need people with the kind of vision that transcends the mundane and physical... you read me? Now,” he continued. “Did you have any trouble getting here?”

“Nope, I just hopped on the bypass.”

“Good, good. Can you tell me a little bit about yourself? Have you any hobbies or special interests? The more we know about you, the better able we are to match those skills to an appropriate department.”

“Sure, I read you loud an clear. I have a biplane, believe it or not and I like to fly around in it over weekends and holidays. I even give lessons. You my have seen my ad in the bi-monthly newspaper. You know, the paper run by bisexual biracial men called the Bi-More News. It’s free you know, that’s why I like it. I’m not really bisexual or biracial myself, not that it makes any difference to me anyhow.”

“I see. That’s very interesting, but I feel that now may be a good time to tell you that we here at Grunt’s do not discriminate on grounds of race, creed, color or sexual orientation... do I make myself clear?”

“Oh yes,” I answered, without hesitation.

“Good, good. Now, do you happen to speak any other languages? That would come in handy if you did. We could use a man like that.”

“Why yes, Mr. Johnson...”

“Please, call me Dick.”

“Sure Dick. It just so happens that I’m bilingual.”

“Ah, great. That’s a skill we can sure use. Well,” added Mr. Johnson, with a sour expression on his face as our brief conversation seemed to suddenly lose its vitality. “I think that about wraps it up. That is, if you don’t have any further questions about the company.”

“There is one thing I feel I should tell you Dick...”

“And what would that be?”

“Well, it’s not easy for me to tell you this, but you see I’m...”

“Yes man, spit it out. You don’t have to hide anything from us. We have a long history here of acclimating ourselves to the needs of many. Just tell me, what’s on your mind?”

“Well sir,” I started, with a bit of nervousness to my voice. “You see I’m... I’m bipolar. It’s tough for me to tell people, but I wanted to tell you the truth.”

“I’m glad you told me Mr. Laurence. It must be difficult for you to live with a disability like that. Do you suffer from extreme mood swings, is that the problem?”

“Yes but, it happens pretty much on a bi-monthly basis. I can just about predict my mood swings by now, I’ve been living with it for so long.”

“Hmm, that is a problem, but I’m proud of you for being man enough to tell me. Now, there is one last thing I’d like to ask you, if you don’t mind.”

“Ask away, I’m all ears Dick.”

“What are your math skills like? We need people with good math skills here.”

“Oh hell,” I replied, quickly jumping to an answer while apologizing for my use of course language. “I can solve a binomial faster ‘en you can say ‘Now how’d he do that so fast?’ Yes sir,” I continued. “That’s a talent of mine.”

“Super,” muttered my interviewer. “I’ll try and remember that. Well, I guess we’re pretty much done here. I have a few others to interview, but if we think your skills are a match, we’ll sure call you. How’s that?”

“I know Mr. Johnson. I can guess your answer right now, yeah. ‘Don’t let the bi-fold doors hit you on the way out buster.’”

“Now there’s no need for that Mr. Laurence. We here at Grunt’s are a fair and equitable company, and have been so for the forty years we’ve been in business.”

“Okay, okay,” I repeated, as I got up and walked through the doors. “I shouldn’t have said that. Bye now.” I said, bringing our short, fruitless interview to its final resting place.

But even as I left the office and walked back to my car I couldn’t help feeling as though I’d lost out on another potential job. Starting up the car, I was left to wonder to myself why I nearly always seem to lose out. After all, I’m as truthful as I can be and my wife tells me all the time how fluently I speak. I think that’s the reason we get along so well. We think so much alike. But I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong I thought, as I began the long drive home. Then, recalling the last thing she said to me on my way out, I remembered I’d taken her advice exactly as we’d planned, especially when she warned me..., “Now honey, don’t get involved in any conversations on politics. Just act bipartisan.”