Lenard & Stanley

Through birth and education, adolescence and occupation, retirement and relaxation, Lenard and Stanley had always been close. Luck had bestowed them with friendly mothers, placed them with each other in steady jobs and had them live next-door for almost eight decades. When choosing a partner, each had opted for one of the Brown twins, two bright young girls with warming eyes. Lenard had chosen Edith and Stanley set his efforts on Elsie, but secretly they would have settled for either, given the girls’ vast inheritance. Despite this fortuity, Lenard and Stanley were and always had been bitter rivals.
Romance never dies, even in residential homes. Sitting in the conservatory, Edith and Elsie were enjoying lunch with their husbands. Soup of the day was tomato and Stanley always got some in his moustache, so Elsie licked a tissue and leaned in to wipe the red stain from his upper lip. Staring into each other’s eyes, they were reminded of youthful dinner dances and Rotary banquets, so they shared a kiss and smiled. On the wicker settee opposite, Lenard saw the action from the corner of his eye.
“Dear,” he addressed Edith, “these past sixty years have been wonderful and I’m most proud you’ve been my wife.”
“Oh Lenard, you’ve always been a charmer, you wily devil!” The couple exchanged a long kiss, which in turn Stanley noticed. Not to be outdone, he raised the stakes, embraced his wife and began to get more passionate. Naturally, Lenard noticed this too, and started making advances on Edith.
“No petting!” The Matron, who always surveyed the serendipitous pair, pointed to a sign on the wall. In the Eighties, the residential home was converted from an old public school. The large conservatory had previously been a swimming hall, which fitted well with the rules the Matron wished to enforce; horseplay was usually frowned upon. Lenard and Stanley knew the rules, so at the Matron’s cry they sprang to attention, backs as straight as bedposts.
“I think maybe you should both cool down. Why don’t you take a walk around the park together?” the Matron ordered.

*****

Stanley took the lead, hobbling with haste and looking back to check the progress of Lenard, who was angrily pushing an empty wheelchair. Lenard knew this joke; he’d seen it before, the idea being that if Stanley returned to the home first, he could claim his seat nearest the nurses’ post – closest to the cakes.
“You’re not scarpering on me now, Stanley!” Lenard picked up the pace, pushing the wheelchair faster towards the enemy locked in his sights. Stanley checked his rear and was surprised at Lenard’s advancement. He was beginning to chase him.
Lenard strolled sprightly, leaning on the handles of the wheelchair to gain momentum. As he approached Stanley’s tail, he picked up his feet and switched to a struggled jog. Faster now, he gave the wheelchair one final push and stumbled, sending the steel device tearing ahead. It crashed into Stanley, whose knees buckled and he fell towards the pavement. He slammed to the floor with a yelp.
“You treacherous cur! You contemptible man!” Stanley was a smouldering husk of the man he once was. Viewing his success and revelling in Stanley’s distress, Lenard erupted into laughter, a deep-echoing roar that was surprising considering his bronchitus. He had undoubtedly won this round, so took his place as victor by looming over Stanley’s crippled frame.
“You are mine now, Dunn. Today is the final day in this eighty-year tirade of abuse; never again shall you succeed over me. Be prepared for the new era!” With that, Stanley swung his stick to the back of Lenard’s legs, who collapsed also, gravitating towards the figure below him. The pair collided and crumbled into a heap, limbs lying limply, sprawled out from heavy bodies.
“Lenard! Stanley!” The old boys stopped their feeble scrapping, turning their heads slowly to face the eminent figure cawing above. The Matron was standing straight, hands placed on her tidily plump waist. She began shaking her head and the pair turned to face each other. Did they know what was next or was this déjà vu?
“You should each know the rules by now. This silliness must stop! Bedpan duty for both of you – one week.” And, somehow, on their loose and wrinkled faces, disatisfactory frowns emerged and set the tone for another week at Walsall Residential.