Tortoise saviour

A short while ago I looked into the garden to find Terry in his usual spot, Terry is a large tortoise that has started to frequent my garden lately. This got me to thinking that maybe he's ours now? Well at the very least he seems to like it here and enjoy our company else he would go back to whatever miserable dwelling that he came from, surely? This got me thinking, maybe he never goes home, maybe he just crawls into the bush and shelters and sleeps there - maybe he's been reported missing and we are in fact hiding a fugitive tortoise?

Well as I was thinking all this I heard some noise from out front, I immediately ran down stairs - Kenyan lion club in hand - as the front door was kicked in by three police officers. I decided in my mind quite quickly that they must be after Terry. Perhaps he has form, maybe he has a warrant for his arrest - who knows what crimes or atrocities he has committed? I took the initiative and ran to the back of the house in time to notice two more kicking down the back fence. I instinctively knew that myself and terry were at great risk. The three officers burst through the front door and immediately unleashed three of the most menacing looking dogs that I had ever seen so I fixed my stance preparing to do whatever was needed.

I knew exactly what had to be done, as if I had been preparing for this moment my entire life - it's funny how calmly one seems to handle these absurdities! As the savage beasts approached I kicked one as hard as I could, just enough to stun him and make him think twice. I then swung the club directly into the skull of the next killing him instantly, I used the momentum of the back stroke to smash out the teeth of the last. I began to laugh manically as I beat the one with the missing teeth into bloody pulp, confident in the knowledge that I was besting these savage beasts. Two of the officers fled the scene immediately and the third dog was just a formality he knew as well as I did exactly what his fate were to be - an unsightly death.

Next was the turn of the officer. I heard him mutter something about taking me down as I rammed my club into his stomach, causing all the air to leave his body instantly. As I drew back I gave an almighty swing into his temple causing his body to go limp and hit the floor with thud. He too was now dead!

I was exhausted but had no time to waste or even catch my breath, I headed for the back door. Terry was slowly but surely sloping off to his favourite bush as two more of these incredibly foul and vicious dogs approached. They were followed by two more officers and I knew what had to be done - I had to finish the job!

The dogs were dumb, they knew no better and immediately charged towards me. The first leapt through the air to meet the swing of my eliminator and hit the floor with the weight of a ten ton lump of steel. As he lay a bloody mess on the decking the other dog growled - "come on you savage fuck" I yelled as he charged toward me. I managed to hit him in the side of his jaw, taking out a three or four of his teeth, but not before he'd taken a chunk of my leg. As he wailed in pain I finished the job I'd already begun and you should've heard the cracking of his skull - nothing short of horrific but no time to dwell on it as the two officers mounted an attack!

They came from either side of me: I quickly assessed the situation and swung my club into the skull of the officer to my left - instantly dropping him to the floor like a led weight. With the momentum of the back swing I hit the other in the side of the face causing him to fall and spit blood and teeth onto the lawn. In that moment I felt like the old man from Hemingway's 'the old man and the sea' and these men and beasts were my huge impossible fish which I would conquer against the odds! As the last officer lay on the floor, a bloody mess, I knew a great hard stab of the club down on to his skull would bring his life to a premature end - a thump and a crunch later and it was all over.

Terry and I are now both fugitives of the law and have been forced to go into hiding. I can't tell you where we are right now but I can assure you that we will never be defeated and I swear to fight for our freedom no matter what the cost.