London, then and now (IP)

Cherry

By Rhiannonw

Mon, 26 May 2014
  • 3451 reads
13 comments
 

Crowdy, rowdy, slums and wealth,
costers, brewers, fresh-dug sewers
(– somewhat improving smells and health),
opulence and poverty, kindness and depravity,
crime and grime concealed, revealed;

no crush of cars and well-dressed commuters,
no glassy towers in the sky
with clean-air views down from up high
(smog-free – banishment of smoke polluters),    
to scrubbed-out streets, and surface cleanliness:

we cannot see the extent these days
of love and friendliness,
and have to guess that hidden fraud and fear
will never disappear.

 

[IP:Gustave Doré's impression of London in 1872, as picture abov e]

Certificate U
Poem
Miscellaneous
Inspiration Point (work that responds to our weekly writing cue)

Comments

Submitted by luigi_pagano on

If I may be so bold, Rhiannon, I understand the message of the poem but found myself struggling with the rhythm and think that a bit of tweaking would enhance its worth. In the third line a small typo: an 'e' missing from "somewhat". Would that line read better if inverted, i.e. "somewhat improving smells and health"? Just a suggestion. Every poet has his/her own style and it would be presumptuous of me to go any further in proposing changes to the structure of the piece; you are the best judge in the final analysis.

Best, Luigi

 

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Thank you, Luigi. Of course you may be so bold, and it is good to have suggestions. I think this was rather hastily 'polished'! Thank you for the typo/spelling mistake. And yes, I think the change of order is nice, thank you again. I have made a change in the last stanza, as I wasn't happy with the wording there – it may be right now! Rhiannon

 

Submitted by luigi_pagano on

Yes much smoother now.

Best, Luigi.

 

Submitted by Bee on

I really liked this, Rhiannon. The message and all those lovely rhymes.

Bee

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Thanks, Bee, it was a bit of fun putting it together, though maybe a bit rushed at first. Thinking of the tall buildings now gave some of the ideas. Rhiannon

 

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Thanks for the cherries, costermonger! Rhiannon

 

Submitted by a102866 on

Congratulations on your very cherry day! A nice contrast between the eco-view up high, and the eco-view down below. The sky scrapers do, indeed, obscure the upward focus, becoming the focal point themselves.

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Thank you, a…. I was mainly thinking of the contrast between then and now, but realising  how much we don't know and can't see of the kind and bad deeds going on in the 1872 grime, and in the 2014 cleaned up streets, even from the skyscrapers!
Did you mean that skyscrapers draw the focus onto materialism rather than heaven and our spiritual needs? Thanks for commenting. Rhiannon

 

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on

Rhiannon this is a well-mixed London portrait. We can't see everything, we have to feel and guess...  Elsie

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Thank you, Elsie. What does that quote from W B Yeats mean? Rhiannon

 

Submitted by a102866 on

Yes, Rhiannonow, I was thinking about the material aspect of the environment. Sky scrapers shield and distract us from our view of the heavens. In earlier times, an obstructed view of the sky was important. They needed to track the weather, and divine the astronomical portents.

Submitted by jeand on

Hi Rhiannon

I liked the way you joined the words together in this - and gave us both pictures very clearly.

Jean

Jean Day

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Thanks, Jean. I had forgotten about this little one! Rhiannon