Musings -- from a Stroke Victim

It was fourteen years ago the dragon’s teeth bit their way unexpectedly into my system in the form of a debilitating stroke. And in 2014, I continue my road to recovery, a journey that proved challenging yet opened my eyes to what is important in life. One is the love of my dear wife, Esther and the other is my fulfillment in the field of writing, which sustained me mightily. Working hard allowed my brain to be challenged and to come back from my (leaking aneurysm) stroke.

From my experiences, recorded in great detail in my journal, it is hard to fathom how incredible the changes which have taken place. From being comatose for 45 minutes to using fingers to type and think clearly has been truly remarkable. It is a testament to the recovery systems within the human body and I desired to be the person I was before.

As I lay comatose, I could hear EVERYTHING around me. I once thought such was not possible, and that the outer body depicted the true nature of its inner self. My experience has allowed me to change my opinion.

Stretched out as I lay on the ground that August day in 1999, it was as if I entered a blackness without movement or colour, nor features of any kind. I could pick out voices, from a friend, strangers and the fact there appeared to be much excitement going on. BUT, I did not realize it was me they were talking about or assisting to the ambulance.

Much later, I spoke to a friend, whose son lived in a world of no communication, nor seeming understanding. “Bradley can hear every word you say,” I told her. And her answer from a mother who spoke incessantly to her beloved child whom she pushed around for years in a wheelchair, the boy who could not speak, nor move any aspect of his body, who lived in a seemingly comatose position continuously, said, “I know.”  

To the caregiver of a stroke victim, who appears to be unable to hear, I say, “Speak directly to your loved one.” And let him/her know you are nearby. I believe every word you say is heard, and understood even though the patient may not be able to see you. It is not as an out of body experience, it is more like closing your eyes among a crowd, then in the blankness, without form or movement, it is akin to voices drifting about without understanding you are among them, soaking up decibels of sound. In the ambulance, I kept thinking, “That siren is awfully close, not realizing it was mine as I lay on a back cot.

I was in a comatose state for a brief time, about 45 minutes. I often wondered what it would be like to be in that kind of limbo for a prolonged period. What really woke me up was the crashing of my ambulance bed against the hospital’s emergency entrance. I was annoyed by the noise. My peaceful state, sort of a comfortable slumber was interrupted. And I woke up.

Could it be that such victims who are exposed to a similar kind of erratic noise, rather than embedded in peaceful music, might be induced to wake up? Nothing too sharp though, since any piercing sound really hurt my head for a long time. For years even some radio songs, especially the feedback from a speaker system was like a knife being plunged into the right side of my head.

To those who are victims, I ask you to be patient with your rate of recovery. Test your mind with puzzle challenges. I played chess on my computer, hour after hour, and the thinking seemed to activate my brain, and to reclaim brain cells. I read how a stroke causes a blunt trauma, and somehow these cells had to be replaced through re-creation. All of us stroke victims OR patients must be careful we do not continually compare the way things are now compared to the way they were.

We must discipline our thoughts in this area and guard our tongues, so we do not growl at those trying to help us. The tongue can be a nasty weapon and once words are said, it is too late to take them back. And truly it can be hard, especially for men who may have to run to the washroom often. I had to carry a can for urination, since my own washroom was upstairs and it was impossible to get there in time.    

In conclusion, I strongly believe many stroke victims can reclaim some degree of usefulness in society. I drew heavily on prayers, and a supportive wife, assisted by my attitude of working to overcome limitations. I insisted on going to church regularly although it was painful to get out of bed then time consuming to get dressed. At church, I had my wife on one side and a friend on the other to hold me in place so I did not fall. My wife took me for car rides, so my eyes could adjust to a world outside of my cage at home. I forced myself to wiggle across the floor to get from one side of the room to the other. 

Crawling was one of my exercises. I read that unused muscles atrophy, and simply sitting gained weight, which I did and still struggle to lose what added to my frame from inactivity. One must strive to overcome; otherwise the alternative is an acceptance of one’s severity and further deterioration. I do believe we all wish to be productive in society or in some way be meaningful to a loved one. And I determine to make that choice each and every day.