A) When Pacino's Hot, I'm Hot (Part 1)

Blanche Dubois always depended on the kindness of strangers. Me,
I've always depended on strangers thinking I'm someone
else.


I'm referring, in my case anyway, to getting
sex.


I know it's weird, but the assumption some women make that
I'm one or another of a certain group of actors and musicians has been,
from my early adulthood to what's now my middle age, how I get my pipes
cleaned more or less regularly and for free.


It's also made it possible for me to have (however briefly
and if you're willing to stretch the definition) an actual
relationship.


I should make it clear right away that on my own terms I'm
not someone you'd describe as spilling over with attractive qualities.
For one thing, a future with the second towel man in a car wash
certainly isn't something a lot of women lie awake at night fantasizing
about. No, it's not that I'm dumb; it's a problem that I have with
applying and executing. I'm not good at those things. In fact, I'm
terrible at them. I think this is because I've never been comfortable
with the whole business of living. There's something unnatural about it
that I find unsettling and I tend to lose my concentration in the least
challenging of situations. You might want to indulge a generous impulse
and remind me that anyone, on a given day, can screw up the Post Office
test. But when I tell you that I also failed the New York City Transit
Authority's dispatcher quiz, you'll have to agree that the condition of
ineptitude here does for sure have a stunning
dimension.


And if my level of achievement and corresponding financial
circumstances aren't enough to give a lady pause, there's my
appearance. Although I'm of Greek ancestry, the figure that I cut is
something less than Greek. Just under average height, more skinny than
slim, and with long, usually unkempt hair hanging over my ears and
forehead and down the scruff of my neck, I also have heavily lidded
eyes, sunken cheeks and a pallor that's cadaverous. While we may not be
talking Elephant Man, this still isn't a picture I'd want to keep in MY
heart-shaped locket.


But here's the thing: When I look in the mirror I see (if a
likeness is to be drawn at all) Ratso Rizzo or Sonny, the pathetic
loser in "Scarecrow." But a number of women, when they look at me, see
Dustin Hoffman or Al Pacino. Or, for that matter, Bob Dylan and Lou
Reed, among others.


Typically, and on an average of once a month, I'll be in a
bar, seated alone in a corner and nursing a beer when, just like that,
a woman will be at my shoulder.


"I know this is rude," she will say, "but I couldn't help
myself. I had to come over to tell you how mesmerizing you were in
'Godfather II'."


Or: "'Positively Fourth Street'-it changed my life."



I realized some years later that the "strange thing" (as I
came to call it) surfaced for the first time when I was only twelve. A
dozen or so teenage girls were exiting a theater that was playing "A
Hard Day's Night." As I passed by on the other side of the street, one
shouted something and then three or four of them broke from the others
and began to run in my direction. I can recall my sensory equipment
registering a small blip that this wasn't necessarily a bad thing. But
terrified by their shrieks and the predatory way they were licking
their lips, my reaction was to flee.


Nine years would pass before anything remotely comparable
happened again, but by then, though no less mystified by what was
taking place, I was at least ready to respond more
appropriately.


Two weeks after my twenty-first birthday (and just one week
after my graduation from high school), I was working as a messenger and
in a cab on a summer morning with a package to deliver. Heading across
town we were paused at a light when an incredible creature
materialized. Wire thin, without a curve or a bump in her entire torso,
and all arms and legs (especially legs-in my memory, doubtless
distorted by time, her skirt is hemmed at just under her chin), she had
to have been seven feet tall, and I'm not even counting the fuck-me
heels and tendril-like spikes of hair that, drooping just a bit at the
ends and gently waving as she moved, erupted from the top of her head.
Factoring in the enormous sunglasses she was wearing on an oval face,
she resembled nothing so much as a giant insect.


Coming alongside the cab, she did a broad double take,
exclaimed, "Holy shit, I don't believe this," and yanked the door open.
The light was still red when, tucking me back into my pants, she said,
"Say 'hi' to Miss Baez for me, Bobby."


(I remember that my driver was holding both sides of his head
with his hands and that his eyes were popping out like cartoon eyes on
springs. When we arrived at my destination he not only refused to take
any money, he actually gave ME a roll of quarters.)


I still had no reason to regard this incident as anything
more than a bizarre and isolated case of mistaken identity, until I
encountered, a couple of weeks later in a bar, another woman who was
under the impression I was Bob Dylan-and then another who was
thoroughly persuaded that I was Al Pacino. With these events I could
hardly fail to recognize the pattern that was developing.



Of course it would be awhile before I got a handle on the
amazing gift I'd been handed and was able to realize something like its
full potential. But in much the same way that I finally achieved
respectable levels of competency in toilet procedures and at
masturbating by myself, determination, practice and a willingness to
learn from my mistakes paid off and I became increasingly proficient at
utilizing it.


In the first of the instances I've just noted, for example,
my response to the woman who approached me was to thank her for the
implicit compliment and then to correct her. But when I observed that
being truthful didn't just dampen her interest in me but provoked a
discernible hostility-when, that is, she put her cigarette out in my
drink and called me an "asshole"-I understood that denying the identity
a woman assigned me was not the way to go and that I'd do well in the
future to stifle the reflex to be honest.


And bearing this lesson in mind on the second occasion, I did
get the girl to come back to my place.


Now before I go on I should point out that my place isn't
exactly a showplace. It suits my budget, but it's in an old Lower East
Side building where the facilities aren't in their conventional
locations. (We're talking bathtub in the living room, toilet in the
kitchen, that sort of thing.) Plus, I share the joint with several
legions of cockroaches, an ever-extending family of rodents and an
apparently unprecedented and aerodynamic hybrid of the two. (The
biologists who've come from everywhere to investigate this phenomenon
always leave with very concerned expressions on their
faces.)


So as you've no doubt gathered, bringing a woman home was a
really bad move. I'd go into detail about what took place when we
arrived at my apartment, but since the matter is still in litigation
it's probably wise to say only that (as I got it explained to me later)
it was almost certainly the sudden presence of a total stranger,
especially one with red hair, that precipitated the attack. (Apparently
some primal imperative to protect its young had been triggered.) Okay?
In my judgment it was more of a menacing and hovering thing than what
you'd call an attack. But I think that's all I'd better say about
it.


Despite the unpleasantness, however, this episode was an
important learning experience, and when yet another woman who believed
I was Al Pacino presented herself I not only made no protest but
insisted that we repair to HER place. Well, a few hours later I was
cheerfully extracting my shorts from a tangled mix of hastily discarded
clothing at the foot of her bed (and promising that first thing in the
morning I would instruct my agent to forward a signed eight-by-ten
glossy from "Bobby Deerfield.")


But my education was hardly completed. If, at this point, I
had two basic rules to follow-never volunteer the truth about myself
and never let a woman anywhere near my apartment-I would soon recognize
the need for a third: Never even think about initiating a hook-up. I'm
referring here to events that took place on an evening when, horny
enough to jerk off to a postcard of the Statue of Liberty, but
attracting no attention, I approached a woman and boldly introduced
myself as Al Pacino. The loosened retina I sustained (and which makes
everything get like very white for a second) has served to keep me
mindful of just how critical to my success, not to mention my
well-being, is the discipline of laying back.


Yes, I did feel a little guilty at first but I got over
it.


Look, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that what
I do isn't nice, that I take advantage of the women I connect with. Do
you know what I want to say when I hear that? I want to say "FUCK
YOU!"-that's what I want to say. I've given the matter a great deal of
thought and I'll explain this just once. The women I attract are not
what you'd call off the top shelf. Though they all qualify as women in
the technical sense, are all, that is, in possession of the crucial
anatomical components (which, more often than not, are in something
like a normal configuration), they are not exactly achingly beautiful,
beaming with mental health or candidates for a Star Fleet Academy
scholarship. In fact, and without exception, they are pretty desperate
people, sick puppies and three-legged cat types. Many of them suffer
horrendous hygiene problems and are also myopic to the point of posing
a serious threat to themselves. They are usually very drunk as well.
Given their condition the service I provide them is every bit as
valuable as what they do for me.


Now don't understand me too fast-I'm not talking about
providing them with sex. I'm talking about helping them satisfy another
need, a need that's just as real and urgent as the need for sex. I'm
talking, of course, about the need to feel special. By physically
connecting to my celebrity these women can feel that they are sharing
in my anointment.


But that's not all. After suffering the consequences of being
truthful, and noticing over time that what questions they would ask me
could, for the most part, be readily answered by any faithful viewer of
"Entertainment Tonight," it gradually became clear to me that somewhere
in their brains these women understood that I wasn't the luminary they
were taking me for. But given how pressing was their need to rise above
their abject circumstances, even for a minute (and something-whatever
it was-about my physiognomy enabling them to use me to this purpose),
the fact that they sort of knew they were delusional wasn't about to
interfere with their pursuit of me.


So, as you can see, there's no exploiting going on here-not
from my end anyway. I mean the very last thing these women wanted me to
be was straight with them. On the contrary, they were counting on me to
help them finesse a trick they were playing on
themselves.


A TRICK THEY WERE PLAYING ON THEMSELVES! Get it?



Okay. I didn't mean to get vicious there, but since it's
never really ME who gets laid, I suffer a pretty large indignity
myself. So I think people might find it within themselves to be, you
know, a little less judgmental.


In any case, with the recognition that my role in the process
was just to show up and play along, other methods of procedure I would
over time develop are fairly simple, intended only to make sure that
I'm presenting myself in a way that's as amenable to distortion as I
can get it and then to forestall the possibility of ruining things.



My manner of dress, for example. To try and stay apace of
what some half-dozen affluent and more or less fashion-conscious men
might be wearing at any given time would have been out of the question
even if I'd been able to afford it. And since I never know who I'll be
before I venture outside, whose wardrobe would I choose? So in the
summer I wear jeans and a work shirt (cleaned and pressed to be sure)
and either sneakers or boots. In the winter I add a sweater and a pea
coat. I might very well be the complete non-entity and total loser that
I am. On the other hand I could just as easily be a Master of the
Universe in a casual mode.


My demeanor is informed by the same psychology. Once a woman
has established contact I try to limit my responses to those rare
questions I have no answer for, to an ambiguous smile or, when I think
it's best, I become silent and expressionless. Real actors will notice
that, in the latter respect, I avail myself of a rudimentary device of
their craft. Taking on a poker face, I let the woman read into it what
her wishes and expectations dictate and require.


And, of course, no matter how agreeable the experience and
melancholy the break, I always make it a point to disappear after one
night.


With just one notable exception, I've scrupulously adhered to
these rules and they've helped to assure me a fairly decent range of
experiences.


I'm thinking now of a woman who, notwithstanding an
irritating quirk that she had of blowing her nose with her hair, kept
my interest by taking me through not just every position in the Kama
Sutra but more than enough new ones to justify a supplementary volume.
(It being Lou Reed's turn to get lucky I was serenaded all the while by
her tape of my " Greatest Hits.")


I'm thinking as well of the time identical triplets,
appropriately sharing the same delusion and built like middle
linebackers, invited Pacino to a cluster fuck and wound up breaking two
of my ribs.


It's a little off to the side, but I'm also thinking of a
period that lasted several months during which I was continually
approached by men. "I really enjoyed your work in 'Cocks 'n' Cocks',"
they would say. And they would go on to tell me how impressed they were
by the way I took "full occupation" of my "space." That sort of
thing.


It was puzzling. I'd never heard of this film, or of the
actor-Johnson something-they were taking me for. At first uncomfortable
with their advances, it dawned on me one evening that my chances for
scoring had suddenly doubled and that I'd be a fool not to take
advantage of this turn of events. (I mean where's the problem? It's
just friction, isn't it?) But sad to say, not much would develop for me
in this area. Before anything happened these guys would erupt in fits
of incapacitating laughter, get really nasty or become crestfallen and
disconsolate. It turned out that they'd decided I was Johnson Johnson,
a porn actor who (within his discipline) was having his fifteen
minutes. Curious, I found "Cocks 'n' Cocks" in a theater on 42nd Street
and checked him out. To my surprise there were real and striking
similarities between us; many more in fact than was usually so.
Unfortunately there was also one significant difference. I had barely
qualified for the "Woman's Home Companion" category in the old high
school joke. When Johnson Johnson used the urinal in a men's room he
probably had to stand in the hall.


(Continued in Part 2)