Heart of Class

Salt and vinegar of the earth
was how I used to take my women;
that brackish tang
enough to set my trousers singing.
Teenaged, lusty,
I set my sights on banging busty fitties
who won taxi rank deathmatch fights
and spilt Stella on their titties.
Out for me!
Out for me!
They all got them out for me!
Bedroom worship late at night,
teasing out a tommy tank,
quieter than Anne Frank.
Slutty honeys getting mad rutty
like coked-up bunnies.
Lord! Show me crop tops
and a baker's dozen of doughy midriffs!
Show me pierced bellies,
diamonté chokers,
arse cleavage and
scowling chain smokers
with fuck all to lose!
Show me tits and booze!
Tits and booze!
Such misguided prayers
I blasted at the Muff God
'til one day, at last,
I said, 'Enough.'

You see
in every young man's life there comes a crossroads
where he may choose to face the demons in his mind
and should the fripperies of youth
turn to felicity and truth
a change in temperament cannot be far behind.
And as I changed I recognised the grievous failings
amongst the sordid stripe of girl I'd tried to bed
but I broke free from the malaise
resolved to mend my wicked ways
and seek a higher calibre of mate instead¦

O middle class girls
such a riddle class girls
with regattas
ciabattas
sonatas each whirls
so much richer than dustmen
yet poorer than earls
lovely middle class
middle class
middle class girls.

Do you thatch your own roof?
Is your money in stocks?
Do you find 'chips' uncouth?
Do you call roosters 'cocks'?
Do you smoke on the sly?
Do you quaff too much plonk?
Is your favourite meal Thai?
Do you squeal when you bonk?
Is your veal all organic
and aga-prepared?
Do you panic at lager
and think French wine's merde?
Have you been to Uganda?
Is father well-read?
If I sponsor a panda
will you give me head?
Does bruschetta taste better
with feta and brie?
Are you searching for merlot
and magic
and me?

Mighty middle class birds.
Make me dribble class birds!
Talk Fellini,
Rossini,
Panini,
hors d'oeuvres!
Stoke the fire in my loins
with a few foreign words
lovely middle class
middle class
middle class birds.

We'll talk art and sup Dubonnet
in a gallery in Dunstable.
I'll show you the Monet
if you show me your Constable.
I want to watch you
kiss
the glistening Head
of Programming at Radio 4!
Ride a tide of broadsheet op-eds
until you're saddle-sore!
Use a fish knife like a lady
and a baster like a whore!
Promise me you'll never change!
Keep your fears apocalyptic!
Keep your Times sudoku tricky!
Keep your Guardian crossword cryptic!
Join me for a tea-break quickie!
Tease with promises elliptic!
Bed me on your Wednesday sickie!
Splash our love across a triptych!
Quote quatrains until you're sticky!
Call me picky, but
O God¦

Sultry middle class chicks
(unlike Lidl class chicks)
look just thrilling
refilling
the low Bombay mix.
Let me glaze your visage
with the piddle that sticks
lovely middle class
middle class
middle class chicks.

Who needs love when there's Ikea?
Who needs joy when there's cocaine?
Who needs truth now bluetooth's here?
We'll swap jpegs on the train!
Love's a bad investment, dear;
love will only cause you pain.
Relationships are so last year!
Must we go through this again?
Marriage forecasts all look gloomy.
Cheer up, here's some grilled halumi!
My, this Volvo does feel roomy!
Drink some Zinfandel then screw me!
Say it's moral dereliction,
spiritual constipation.
Don't you feel a strange conviction
that we're due some compensation?
See, we bear the same affliction '
burdened with an education.
We both know that love's a fiction,
romance, just an aberration.
All that's left's our shared addiction
hunger mixed with desperation.
Lust's a fire that leads to friction
friction sparks a conflagration.
Passion like the crucifixion;
screaming like the last salvation.
Come, let's lie,
with perfect diction,
in endless
mutual
masturbation.