Attempting Life

December 14, 2005
Attempt 22
I am unhappy. But why? This ... I do not know. I'm a good student, I have great prospects for college, and apparently I'm very pretty ¦ the list goes on. And yet there's something within me that just isn't satisfied. Something that cries out in the brightest days that there must be something I'm missing. I can feel the void eating away at my being. No one seems to believe me or simply thinks it's just the perfect girl complaining. Maybe I just want someone who understands. Someone to see through this act into the hurt and shame. Someone to care enough about me that they deserve what I have to offer. Is this too much to ask of people?... if so, my predictions are true ... I will be alone ... forever. Or at least for another day. The cuts are getting deeper but this one is already starting to clot. I live for another day. I cover another wound. I put on another happy face and pray for that day when someone sees through it. Mom is calling, I better go set the table for dinner.

"Carla, why do you wear your hair up all the time?
"I don't know, maybe cause its an icky brown color.
"We are having pasta and chicken tonight,
"Great, I hate pasta
"How was your day?
"Fine, if I had any friends, if I could be happy, if I mattered.
"First year of high school, oh, this is the best time of you life,
"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
Dinner. Eat. Talk about nothing. Say good night.

December 14, 2005
Attempt 23
My life is meaningless anyway. I cry too much. I just don't understand why I try so hard and feel like nothing is happening. Why can't anyone hear me. Am I just complaining? What is wrong with me ¦ what am I doing wrong? I don't even know how to get happy. It hurts so much to be so alone. Attempt is a little to successful ¦ it wont stop ¦ this hurts more.

"Mom! don't let me die.