He Shops Alone

Have you ever taken your husband to the store and left so
embarrassed that you didn't want to go back? They say, the only
difference between men and boys is the size and price of their toys,
and I'm inclined to agree with whoever 'they' are! My man loves the
store, in fact, now he does all the grocery shopping for me. Not by
choice though; he'd rather have me there with him, but I refuse. I
either go alone, or not at all.

We're waiting at the return counter for about twenty minutes; there's a
long line when we get there and knowing my husband, it almost scares me
because that means we have to wait. Both he and my son were with me,
and they stood in line ahead of me. We finally get up to that counter
where the over-worked employee looks right at my husband, who didn't
realize he was in front of me and had inadvertently stepped up when the
person in front of him moved. He looks up at the store employee and
realizes the man is waiting for him to say something, so he says, "I
didn't do it."

Then my son pipes in and says, "Well don't blame it on me, I didn't do
it either."

"Do what?" the store employee asks.

"Don't look at me, all I know is, it wasn't me," my husband says,
turning to walk away.

"Hey, don't make him think I did it," my son says, as he follows my
husband away from the counter, leaving me there with the employee,
who's now looking all around for what must have been done. I pretend I
don't know them and shrug my shoulders, but now the poor guy is looking
for what they did and I have to wait yet another couple of minutes to
return my item.

Luckily, most of the store employees know me in this small town. It can
be a big help, and it can also be fun for my husband when he recognizes
a new hire.

The poor box-boy was straightening up the aisles and 'facing' all the
merchandise when my husband spots him. He acts all frantic and walks up
to the kid, and with a very straight face, he says, "Hey, there's a
code 3 on aisle five man, you'd better get over there." The kid looks
concerned and heads for aisle five, immediately..... I don't know what
a code 3 is, but it sure lit a fire under the kid.

Oh, I hate it when we go in and there's a taste-tester. You know, the
people who demonstrate new products and let you sample a taste? Well,
luckily it was a woman I knew this time, and we walked over to visit
for a minute. My husband helps himself to the tasty treats she has on
her tray while I visit, and when another woman walks up to take a
sample, as soon as she gets it in her mouth my husband says, "Oh, I'm
sorry, that was my toothpick, I was having seconds." Then before she
can reply, he adds, "It's okay, I'll use another one. I don't have that
Aids anymore, don't worry." The poor woman's mouth dropped open, full
of half chewed sample. I had to step in and scold him in front of her
for that one....

If he's in a hurry, he walks faster than I do pushing the cart, and he
grabs things off the shelf and tosses them over his shoulder without
even looking to see where I am, or if I'm watching. The first time a
jar of Ragu' Spaghetti Sauce hit the floor and splattered everywhere, I
learned to keep a keen eye on him! Here I am, following him and trying
not to swear as he throws glass bottles, biscuit cans, or really any
item, and I'm trying to catch these things before they hit the
floor.

When we finally get to the check-stand, it can be another adventure. He
passes gas; one of those silent but deadly killers, and when he notices
another person in line can smell the awful odor, he says, "Honey,
couldn't you wait until we get outside? I'm sure they have a bathroom
around here someplace," as he starts looking around the store, and I
turn red as everyone looks at me.

Our store has a secret policy that if a checker rings up your item at
the wrong price, you get the item free. It's a policy that they don't
advertise, but they train their employees to uphold it if anyone should
ask, and since we know people who work at that store, we were sort of
privy to the information. My husband has an uncanny knack for
remembering numbers, and he knows the price of everything we picked up,
and he watches the cash register. If the employee rings up something
wrong, he's not only sure to tell them, but he then loudly insists on
getting it free. He's called the manager over many times, if the
employee even looks like they're going to argue! It makes everyone
behind us wait longer, embarrasses the employee (and me), and now the
manager knows him on sight. When he starts that, I leave the checkbook
with him and wait in the car.

Well, he's done it too many times. I've had it, and I'm throwing in the
towel. I can scold my son and demand proper behavior from him, but my
husband is a big boy and I can't control him. Now I give my husband a
list and he shops alone. It works much better that way.