CENSUS. Page 32. IP.

'Hello... Mr O'Brien...!' she trills as I answer the door.
My name is Suzy Susnec , from the Office for National Statistics!'
'Who...what?'
' Suzy Susnec!' flashing a blue laminate ID card in front of me.
' The National Statistics Office...it's about your Census form, page 32...?'
' Sorry ! ' I tell her. '...had it checked by someone at the library...it was sent online the same day!'
'Please...would you mind !' she insists '... one or two questions ...about visitors...?'
'Visitors, what visitors, I've not had any...just moved in...!'
'Please...it's important...I believe you can help me...?'
I remind myself of the Census message.
"... You could face a fine if you don't participate ..."
I succumb to her warmth and friendly smile and let her in
......................................

' My, my, what a sweet little H7 , ticked box 5, page 6, ' she says as she looks around .
'You know, you really can't tell from the questionnaire... it's so pleasing to see a quality conversion for once ...to be expected of course from an approved H13, ticked box 1, page 6...just ideal for you, an H1, ticked box 1, page 3....!' she purrs .

' Yes... I like it, it's compact, quiet, near the shops and the...!'

'Sorry to interrupt Mr O' Brien, but... back to questions I'm afraid, your Census form had been intercepted and we believe you may be of assistance to the ONS with respect to our new and exciting FOTI Visitor programme which starts in April!'
'FOTI... what's a FOTI ?'
'FOTI's are visitors... let me explain please...!'
'But, I told you I had help filling in the Census form, and I can assure you, absolutely no visitors whatsoever since I moved in two weeks ago ...the building has CCTV, you can check it out !'
'There is no need for us to check Mr O'Brien, the visitors the ONS wish to record are FOTI's which stands for Figments of the Imagination....or FIGS for short!'
'We are talking about the future here , and your co-operation would be invaluable Mr O'Brien...!'
'Co-operation you say... I know what this is all about ...discrimination and prejudice , that's what... you have been looking at page 8, Q 15, ticked box 3 & 4, Q 16 A, ticked box 1, 2. & 3, scanned Q 20, and you didn't like my reply ticked in the box "Other , write in " ...am I correct ?'
'Please Mr...may I call you Alex, we need you...!'
She takes my hand and guides me slowly over to the new, badly assembled bed settee.
'Relax...please...trust me...!' she whispers ,.
...................................

' This is how Figments of the Imagination works ... I ask you a few questions, okay, and the computer measures your reaction, it's as simple as that...'
As she sits tight against me I begin to sweat, her tiny lap top resting on one of my new Punjabi scatter cushions.
' Mmm, nice, so tactile, Alex...!' she says , rubbing her knees against the fabric with eyes closed.
'Oops ! 'Where was I...ahh yes, please... hold this...while I ask you some questions!' and offered me a soft plastic orange coloured ball.
' You must squeeze the sensor ball at the same time as I ask you a question, try and answer promptly with a Yes or No, it's important ...!'
I nod 'Okay, go ahead I'm ready'
'Don't forget to squeeeeeze ...Alex...!' she smiled and winked.
'Now...please tell me who helped you fill in the Census form ?'
'Gina, she works in the library...'
'Do you like Gina? '
'Yes!'
'Is she your girlfriend ?'
'No !'
'Would you like to have sex with Gina?'
'What...?'
'Excellent response Alex...although you didn't answer Yes to the question the signal indicated a very high score , which tells me ...you would like to sleep with her ...am I correct ?'
'Of course I would...I think of her all the time...I imagine her...'
'Stop there Alex , you mentioned, quote " I imagine her " that's
Figments of the Imagination in a nutshell ... a few more questions, Okay?'
'Would you like to lick my breasts ?'
'What...?'
'Another good result Alex... once more ....'
'Do you like listening to James Blunt sing ?'
'What ?'
'A definite No there, Alex...'
'Ahhh...stop, stop, stop....I need a drink...can we...'
'Two more please... then we can stop, ok...'
'Would you like me to strip naked ?'
'What...?'
'Almost off the scale with that one, top marks...last one.
'Do you like Jeremy Clarkson ?'
'What...?'

............................

'What can I say Alex but welcome to the FOTI Figments of the Imagination (FIGS)CENSUS Visitor Programme... the next stage now is to have you fitted with two FOTI V chips...one inserted under your scalp and the other inside your scrotum, both minor procedures, a pin prick that's all...you won't feel anything...'

'Now...just to recap how it all works again...'

' Lets say tonight for example... when you have a Figment of your Imagination, where, perhaps, Gina or myself enters your thoughts , okay... so far ?
'The energy generated as you imagine her, or both of us yielding to your wishes is harnessed and transmitted via your FOTI chips to the National Grid as part of the "Feed in Tariff " energy plan...solar panels, wind farms and the like.'
'An added bonus is that other data monitored, such as heart beat, blood flow, pulse rates, orgasms etc is directed to the CENSUS Medical Research for analysis.
Negative thoughts such as, job cuts , transport, rail fares, buses ,Police etc ,etc, and lots more as they arise are diverted to Government Think Tanks for inept policies for consideration.

'Can you imagine all that power Alex, all the H1's combined with the page 7's, Q4 Boxes 1 to 9...amazing, each person providing 24/7 energy enough to power up the whole of the UK, no more importing fuels from elsewhere, I could go on but the list of benefits is endless, and you, Alex are part of the future...'
'Oh, before I pop in next door are there any questions...?'
''Yes , lots...by the way next door...it's not occupied yet...I was going to...'
'Sorry Alex, I forgot to mention...I moved in late last night, I'm the new CENSUS Figments of the Imagination representative for this area...once I have unpacked I will see you later... to fit your chips, we need to test it out... don't we...?'