Poker Face

"I love you.” “Yeah sure” he said with a wry smile on his face, “they're just words.” My heart skipped a beat, he knows, he must do. I'll pretend I never heard him, as he carries on cooking. I turn my back to him, and walk into the dining room with a glass of wine in hand. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, he likes to wind me up. Then again, what if he did know, that would be the end of our twelve year marriage. I do love my husband dearly, but my problem is he's spoiled me too much, and  I'm insatiable. My husband is my best friend and my confidant, I need him in my life. However, there is another person in my life who I lust over. If my husband does know my secret, then I honestly don't know what I'd do. Of course I realise everything is my own doing, no one forced me to commit adultery. I often wonder how it came to be, I always assumed people who had affairs were unhappy in their relationships, but I'm certainly not. My husband cooks for me, does the shopping and treats me with the utmost respect. In essence he is the perfect husband, so I pray he doesn't know my filthy secret. It's the first time I've seriously thought about the consequences of my actions, and the thrill of what I'm embroiled in excites me.

I sit by the fire, allowing the flames to slowly hypnotise me, then it suddenly dawns on me what a selfish bitch I am. Here I am sat here with all creature comforts anyone could wish for, yet my insatiability is controlling my entire being. I hear my husband whistling in the kitchen as he cooks, an endearing trait of his. He appears happy, so maybe he doesn't know what I'm up to. However, my paranoia gets the better of me like an unwelcome friend that won't stop bothering me. The thing is, I'm not overly bothered about my lover, he's not that important to me. Of course he's a bit of eye candy, but beyond the bedroom there's nothing else between us. I've told him often enough that I'll never leave my husband, and he seems content with that. To my credit I have tried to end it on more than one occasion, but as I say I'm a greedy selfish bitch. The hard faced attitude I've developed enables me to look myself in the mirror with no remorse. I'm distracted from my reverie as my husband tells me dinner is served. As I make my way to the dining table I receive a text message, it's from him. I quickly read it and a wave of frustration washes over me, God he's really pissed me off. We usually meet up twice a week during my lunch break, but he has to cancel this week due to work commitments. I try and hide the disappointment on my face, not wanting to fuel my husband's suspicions. I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy, and I'm annoyed at myself for feeling that way. I naively thought I was in control and the one in the drivers seat.

As I sit and enjoy the delicious meal my husband has adoringly cooked, I try to remain up beat and jovial, but my thoughts are quickly brought back to the recent text. Twelve months ago a man like him wouldn't have looked twice at me, I was hideous. I'd became what is more commonly known as as “comfortably overweight” acquired from being in a long term relationship. I was aware I'd gained some extra weight over the years, but fifteen kilos was a joke. The light bulb moment came when I looked back on some photos from a friends fortieth birthday party, my God I looked like a beach whale. I was disgusted at how enormous I'd become, and annoyed with my husband for not saying anything to me. So I joined a gym and went on a calorie controlled diet, and went from there. Once the first three kilos came off, the rest gradually followed. I'm convinced to this day that my husband wanted me to remain bigger so no one would pay me any attention, but more fool him. As the weight gradually came off, I started taking more care of my appearance. Spray tans, manicures
and hair appointments became a regular occurrence, and then lo and behold I met him. It was totally unexpected and out of the blue. Now I'm embroiled in this affair, which despite the callousness of it, it made me feel on top of the world. It's amazing how much attention you get from men when you start taking care of yourself, my goodness men are so fickle. So six months down the line, I'm at my target weight and feel fitter than I've ever been. My husband has had to watch my metamorphosis from the sidelines, knowing there is nothing he can do to control it. As my confidence grew so did my attitude, I'd become an egotistical bitch almost overnight. My circle of friends slowly diminished, they probably grew tired of my incessant boasting. In truth, I don't really have anyone to lean on except my husband, he's been the only constant in my life. As I
say, my world would be shattered if he ever found out what I’ve been up to behind his back, it would crush him.

After dinner, I clear the table and tidy up the kitchen. My husband is relieved, his tired expression is an indication of the arduous hours he's been working lately. He races upstairs to take a shower, while I busy myself with the dishes.  Within minutes I'm distracted by a another text message, this time it's on my husband's phone. One thing I'm quite fastidious about is my privacy. Any content is hidden on the front screen, something which apparently my husband evidently rather careless about. I do this partly because I think I'm entitled to some privacy and also because I have something to hide. Curiosity gets the better of me and I begin to read the text. As I begin to read each word I feel nauseas, I feel bile rising up. I feel like such a fool, what an idiot I've been. The message is heartfelt and sincere, I can tell from the tone of the message it's more than lust, this woman is in love with my husband. All that time I thought I was the one hiding a secret affair,  when it seems he has been one step ahead of me. I guess the words "I love you" are just words to him. I hear my husband whistling in the shower, and wonder if he's whistling because he's genuinely happy, or because he knows he's outsmarted me.