Manly Mushrooms

"Harold, If I just push the button, fifty cities throughout Asia
will be gone in minutes", said a slender, nervous man. He seemed
shocked with nervousness. His bald head was ringed with wispy black
hair and his hands quaked.

"Why don't you come push my buttons, you ego-maniac", said Harold, a
tall, athletic, blonde youth. "I love it when you're vain."

"Light my pipe, Harold." Harold lit his master a small, mushroom shaped
pipe.

"You need to quit, Norford," Harold whined tremulously.

"Why?"

"Your delusions are terrible. Someday, I'm afraid you're going to push
the button."

"What of it, then?"

"What about us, Norford?"

"There is no us, just the US."

Just then, an airforce officer entered the small office. "The German
spy has told us everything. It's terrible. Germany's close to
developing a full-missile defense system because of the information
this spy stole from us. Will you give the order to execute him?"

"Absolutely not. I want to interrogate him myself tomorrow."

"Yes, sir", said the officer.

"Humanity above all, I tell you. That man will get a fair trial",
shouted Norford.

"Yes, sir."

"You're dismissed." The officer left.

"It's very noble of you to make sure that man gets a fair trial," said
Harold.

"You make a good woman. You're sexy and stupid. That spy will regret
that he ever lived before he leaves my office tomorrow."

"You're horrible, Norford!"

"Why, thank you." Norford took a heavy drag from his pipe.

"What will life be like after you retire?"

"I'll tell you. The two of us will have paradise here on earth. I've
bought a tropical island just for us. There's a huge palace in the east
Indian style, your favorite, you hedonist. And we'll enjoy every
pleasure that money can buy."

"I love to here you tell that to me. I'm sure it will be just fabulous.
But I enjoyed the earlier times, before you were so powerful. When you
were just a lieutenant and I was your secretary. Back then, nothing
came easy but nothing was very important, either. So much stress and
anxiety has come with your power."

"Oh, I know it. Oh Harold, if we could just go back to that time when
we lived on $50,000 dollars a year and were care free. But those days
are gone forever. No, no! They're not. I've received a message from
god. We must build a time machine and go back to those happy
days."

Harold frowned. Norford was going into his delusions. Someday, he was
terrified that Norford would push the nuclear button in his madness. It
could destroy the whole world. And wouldn't it be his fault for not
preventing it?

An officer entered the office. "The Asian League is demanding
concessions. If we don't give them a yearly payment of fifty billion
dollars, President Zu Weng says he'll start a nuclear war."

"Let him. Harold and I will be in the distant past by then. We'll be
safe in a tribal, hunter gather society. There will be no more nuclear
weapons for us. Just spears and arrows."

"Yes sir."

"Of course, god told me that Zu Weng's head is required to build the
time machine. Dispatch a secret force to assassinate him."

"Yes sir. I will take care of it." The officer left the office.

"But Norford, won't this start a nuclear war."

"I'm only mad when the wind blows south, when the wind blows north, I
know a hawk from a handsaw."

"What does that mean?"

"Oh, nothing. But I have a plan to prevent nuclear war. I have men
within the ranks of the Asian League. Once Weng is dead, they'll take
over and we'll join their government to ours. My dream is someday we'll
have one peaceful, world government."

"It's brilliant. It could save the world! You're my hero,
Norford."

"Besides, Zu Weng's head will be absolutely vital to building the time
machine. Do you know why I prefer you over a real woman, Harold?"

"No, I'm just happy that you do."

"I prefer you because you can't get pregnant and have children. You
see, heterosexual sex is a way to reproduce. But what would be the
point of bringing a child into this world? He'd just die in a nuclear
war. We're all dead. It's over. Kapoot! Bang!"

"But there must be hope."

"No, none whatsoever. Here, I'll just push the button now, get it over
with, save humanity a hundred years of torture." Norford put his finger
on the button.

"No don't! We can be so happy. I'll make you happy."

Norford removed his finger from the button. "Yes, we'll be happy a
little while longer. Why not? Do you love me, really?"

"With all my heart."

"And I love you, too. And that's what's so funny. We love each other
but we're damned."

An officer entered with a silver platter.

"What have you brought us, something good to eat?," asked
Norford.

"No, sir. It's Zu Weng's head sir? Shall I remove the cover,
sir?"

"You shall do no such thing! Why would you bring such a disgusting
thing in here?"

"You requested it, sir."

"Nonetheless, I'm not a cannibal. Take away the human head and bring us
something delicious. I'd like wine and cake. Would you like anything,
Harold?"

"Why, yes. I'd like giant saut?ed portabella mushrooms."

"Mushrooms? Yes, they're the order of the day. Portabella mushrooms,
Morrel mushrooms, mushroom pipes, mushroom clouds, but my favorite is
male mushrooms. Make sure the mushrooms you bring us are male," said
Norford.

"Sir, every mushroom is a male and a female. I can't possibly bring you
male mushrooms, sir."

"Ah! An impossible problem, a quagmire, a labyrinth! But nonetheless, I
have ordered male mushrooms and as my junior officer, you must provide
them. And also, you must slay the minotaur."

"The minotaur, sir? Are you feeling quite well, sir?"

"Better by the minute. But I've given you a direct order to slay the
minotaur. Or would you rather slay the President of Germany, Heinrich
Wolf? No, I'm afraid he would be a bit too much for you. You're no
Theseus. Bring me my mushrooms quickly."

"Yes, sir." The officer left hurriedly.

"But I'll make a fine Theseus. I'll beat the President of Germany to
death with my bare hands,"said Norford.

"Oh, I'd love to watch. You're such a caveman!", said Harold, starry
eyed.

Two servants entered and set up a table.

"I'm enjoying myself very much, tonight", said Norford.

"Me, too. I haven't had so much fun in years."

"Years are quite irrelevant to me. My life is measured in minutes and
hours."

The two servants returned with the cake and wine. The officer who had
visited last came in with a large platter. He set it down on the table
and drawing off the cover said, "Your male mushrooms, sir."

"But you told me just a second ago that there was no such thing as a
male mushroom," said Norford.

"I cut off the female sections of the mushrooms, thus creating purely
male mushrooms, sir."

"Brilliant! Sublime! The wonders of human ingenuity! I shall reward you
splendidly for this. What is your full name?"

"John Hawkings, sir." Norford wrote it down in his little black
book.

"I'll give you a promotion for that, John. What do you think? A
promotion for a plate of mushrooms?"

"I'd like that very much, sir."

"You'll have it. But bring us brandy and cigars. And some authentic
Thai food. I must say I'm quite partial to it."

"Yes, sir."

"Wait a moment. Also, I'll have belly dancers."

"Male or female, sir?"

"You're a joker, a wit, a nitwit. I'll have you shot for that remark.
How dare you make fun of your superior officer."

"I-I intended no such thing, sir", said the officer, paling.

"Very well, then. All's forgiven. Female belly dancers, please."

"Yes, sir." The officer left.

"This office is our Valhalla while we wait for Ragnarok."

"What does that mean?", asked Harold. He was often amazed at the wisdom
of his lover.

"In Viking mythology, the souls of brave dead warriors feasted in a
great hall called Valhalla. But the evil frost giants were always
fighting the gods for control of the world. Everybody knew that there
would be a day when the Frost Giants would win the war and destroy the
world. That day was known as Ragnarok."

"I understand now," Harold said as he sipped wine from a glass.

Norford grabbed the wine bottle and guzzled it. He said, "Then let's
enjoy our gay society."