The Reluctant Widow part 10

Days in limbo. Time hung as high as Billy’s ragged carcass. The unshackling of a ravenous despair clawing ever deeper. In the dead of night it tortured Simon’s dreams, in the pallid daylight, his soul. He wandered for days, thoughts in turmoil, trying to find a way out of the hopelessness which threatened to crush him. Should he seek help? Where? Ask David...a priest...an exorcist? All the questions led back to his own tortured heart. He had let Jenny send him away, and now hated himself for it.
I should have stayed...talked Jenny round...with what?...useless platitudes about love conquering all? No-one has ever affected me the way she has. I can easily see why Tom fell in love with her...and the others. Her beauty, intelligence, gentleness are irresistible...yet she must be resisted...to love her means certain death; a lot of superstitious nonsense I thought, until I crossed Billy’s path. What is he? A ghost...a zombie...or did they botch the hanging? Perhaps he never died but survived as some sort of sub human? Does it matter? Whatever attacked me in the graveyard is lethal...it would be madness to go back.
Forget her then, as she asked me to? That is just another kind of madness. How can I forget someone who saved my life...made me feel again...her gift to me? All my life I’ve been a loner, a drifter, keeping everyone at a safe distance...why? To stay in control, not daring to show my vulnerability...unable to trust. Even more so after my parents were killed...I never truly shared my grief with anyone...the world was evil...godless...a senseless mad house where kind decent people could be destroyed by lunatics. What use is belief in an asylum... what use is love?
Love can only mourn and regret.
Is that the only future I have - regret? To drift...drown my pain in superficial creatures like Emma; salivating like a mongrel at the merest encouragement. Unfit even for friendship...a hollow sham...Jenny dead in my heart? Seeking protection in callous indifference...fear of letting someone get too close...fear of needing...with need comes dependence and the risk of rejection...love on my terms or not at all.
Are Jenny and I prisoners of fate? She, who so willingly committed herself to love and was punished for it...myself always preoccupied with checks and balances...we've both ended up trapped in the same fear; living...surviving in neutrality. Would Jenny really say that she was alive...any more than I am? What power can Billy’s wrath have over a life without meaning? He can be cruel...inflict unbearable pain...but cannot kill what is already dead...a man afraid to love...to live. Perhaps love is the true definition of someone? Death will come, no matter what we do or say. One day my life will end...my final breath be drawn. Will Jenny’s name be on my lips? Will I die in peace knowing that I dared to love...or curse myself for cowardice? With Jenny I may find meaning in my life...and death?
Is she worth the price?

-------------------

For the best.
Yes he is safe and everything is...normal.
Sterile.
Dead.
Days pass... my body breathes, my heart stubbornly pumps its once precious fluid...to what purpose? So that I live one more moment? Better to pump it into the gutter!
I long for Simon...miss him every second. I know I must strike him from my mind, bury the love I feel for him...but cannot. I am nothing...can be nothing; a carcass in motion, dead to hope, staring blind to the black horizon. Billy has killed me so many times, yet still I jerk and shudder at his call.
Hate is stronger than love...is stronger than God.
No...no...that can’t be! But why...oh Dear God why are you punishing me? Why this torment?
My only crime was to fall in love!
Normal...yes.
Tears of grief...despair...yes.
The dead watching the dead...envious...

From her window Jenny could see her lovers’ graves, the stones still glowing. In the failing light she could clearly make out their eerie contours. How she longed to be with them, safe from Billy’s fury.
Dear God haven’t I endured enough? It’s a sin to take your own life...that’s what God says...but He isn’t watching any more. He has abandoned me like all the others. What is worse...to be damned alive...or dead?

She descended the stairs lightly, pausing momentarily before the Reverend’s study. A light was shining under the door. Jenny hesitated, sorely tempted to knock, but what could she say? There were no more words of hope or consolation, just a yearning for final release.
It will hurt him terribly, but I’m tired, I can take no more of this torture. Dear John...try to understand...and forgive.
Jenny moved to the kitchen, knowing exactly where to find the sharpest knife. Clutching it in both hands she walked to the graveyard, kneeling in tears before Tom’s gravestone; on its luminous face a vision appeared...her wedding day...Tom beaming with pride in his best suit, her own face bursting with happiness. ‘Beautiful,’ she whispered. ‘Perfect...was it so much to ask?’ Her finger traced along Tom’s name. Suddenly a thick trail of blood burst out, as if a deep wound had been cut in the stone. Jenny recoiled in horror.
‘No!’
She looked again...the stone was pure once more. She shook her head, tears streaming down her face. ‘No more...only my blood flowing into the earth, so that I may follow.’ Gripping the knife she pressed the tip against her stomach, gasping. ‘Push...push...end it...dear God please...let me...give me the strength... push...push!’ The knife cutting through her blouse, stinging her skin, hands shaking, knuckles blanched around the handle; panting...pleading...dear God...please...please...have mercy!
‘I...I...I can’t!’ she cried throwing the knife away, collapsing onto the ground her body racked with despair.
‘Jenny!’
She clutched at the warm earth sobbing uncontrollably.
‘Jenny!’
Simon’s voice somewhere...part of her mad longing...more of God’s torture. ‘Let me die...let me die!’
‘Jenny!’
Hands pulling her up...arms enfolding her...urgent kisses.
‘Simon!?’ she hugged him tight, hardly daring to believe he was real. ‘Simon? Am I going mad?’
‘No Jenny, I’m here. I’m never going to leave you again ’
‘Why did you come back?’ she gasped, her face now covered with tears of joy.
‘I tried to live without you...and couldn’t.’
‘You’re insane to be here.’ She wanted to sound stern, to talk sense, but her heart was leaping.
‘I was insane to leave. For the first time I know exactly where I want to be and with whom.’
‘Even if it means losing your life?’
‘Without you Jenny...I don’t have a life worthy of the name.’
For a moment all was still then Simon clasped Jenny to him, kissing the tears from her cheeks.
‘Jenny my love I’ll never leave you now, whatever happens!’
‘Simon...oh...I wanted to die when you left...just die and be buried where I stood!’
They clung to each other like the last souls on a doomed ship, fear and despair banished by love. The night unfolded a velvet cloak to hide the two dreamers, a waning moon gave its blessing, even as the rising constellations mourned their future. Jenny felt invulnerable in his arms, all the hurt in her weary body flooding away. This one last precious moment to cherish, to fire the cold ashes of her heart as love had done so many agonies ago. The intensity of her feelings overwhelmed her. Sweeping aside the dread of tomorrow, she gave herself over to Simon’s passion as their lips pressed harder. Happiness wrought from the twisted roots of this barren ground, a blinding star under which to die, a velvet shroud to sleep in.
She cupped his face tenderly between her trembling hands.
‘Do you really love me more than your life?’
‘Yes...Jenny...yes!’
‘Then we’ll die together.’ She looked down at the shining stones. ‘You wondered why they glow. I think they’re beacons...waiting for us. Oh Simon...I love you.’ She kissed him once more, clasped her hand firmly in his, and led him back to the house.

-------------------

Deeper in the night.
Jenny’s body was warm and soft against his. They were both tired from their love making, though unable to sleep. Simon clasped her hand, squeezing it gently.
‘What are you thinking? he whispered
‘How beautiful you felt inside me.’
‘I wasn’t sure...if you were enjoying it?’
‘It was perfect, Simon...perfect.’
‘I don’t think the Reverend would approve.’
‘I think John would rejoice at any expression of our love,’ she replied, turning to him and kissing his cheek lightly.
‘You’re beautiful Jenny. I thought so the minute I saw you.’
She lay once more on her back ‘It’s strange...all that’s happened in such a short time.’
‘Too strange to be coincidence you mean?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Perhaps it’s one of Gods mysterious manoeuvres.’
‘I thought God had abandoned me...I’m still not sure.’
‘Maybe God brought me back to face down Billy?’
Jenny made no reply, just lay inert beside him. Her silence unnerved him. He raised himself on one elbow and asked, ‘What is it Jenny?’
‘Billy is close by.’ she breathed, turning to him, her face almost touching his.
‘We’re both dead Simon.’
‘He won’t touch you.’
‘Yes..yes he will now.’
‘Why?’
‘I gave you my purity.’
‘What...you mean...’
‘Yes...you were the first...the only one. I was a virgin bride and widow. Sam and I agreed to wait until we were married but Billy destroyed him. He was keeping me pure you see - his pure unspoilt Jenny.’
‘So you let me make love to you just to...spite him?’
‘Oh no Simon my love. I wanted you, wanted you dearly.’ She lay her head on his chest feeling his heart beat echo through her mind. ‘I want to die with you. Billy’s mad enough to kill us both now.’
‘What makes you so sure?’
‘I just am. Are you afraid?’
‘Perhaps there is some way to beat him?’
‘I want to die Simon...to be free.’ She sat up and caressed his cheek, running her fingers over his stubbly chin, brushing them tenderly over his lips. ‘There’s still time for you to save yourself, but you must hurry.’ Simon took her hand, kissing along her palm, then brought his lips to hers, stroking her silken hair. ‘I love you Jenny. As I said, I’ll never leave you...in life or death.’
She remained still in his arms, a warm vibrant mystery, so fragile, so sad. To live and die for her love - was he mad or at last making sense to himself? Was my life saved for this moment of heaven? My death postponed to make this sacrifice? I could have stayed away, pretended it was all a dream and cursed myself in luxury. We all have a defining moment - this is mine. I asked myself if Jenny was worth the price?
Yes...a thousand times. I die with Jenny or am dead without her.
‘Billy is very close now,’ she whispered. ‘We have to prepare.’