(N)THE NAIL IN THE COFFIN (A) ........FINAL VERSION

The nail in the coffin.

I mean…it wasn’t like…to be honest…I just stood there.

We came out of college. Lunchtime. The friend K and the friend H. The friend H came out with me whilst K was already at their newly bought car. Some v. cute girls were outside the front gate. A girl smiled at me. I think. I looked back and winked. She motioned with her hand. The ‘give me a call’ one. I smiled and walked on.

H and I were not going so well as friends. We were distant. And as we made our way to the car it felt like I was tagging along instead of him being proud and showing of his new car. By that I mean I felt like he didn’t really want to share the ‘celebration aspect’ with me.

I looked at the trees. The leaves bustling like…you know… the way summer feels.

TBH me and H were not as good friends as K and me. But Me and K were not that good friends as before. H and K do the same things nowadays. I’m just…so busy…and also I’m…poor. They both work… do drugs and drive. Don’t forget driving.

S, my girl is taking some part of my time while S is very jealous of N. Also I must add that I’m depressed. And I felt that feeling as we turned left on that bright sunny afternoon and were going down the stairs. The car was a second hand cheap car. K was already there as was KD. KD is all right. I supposed. Anyway I didn’t really want to be there. I’m not Bill you know. I’m not so good with English. But I want you to really feel what I was feeling okay. So I’m talking to KD (that should tell you something) and I take in my surrounding. I’m sad that I think I’m losing my friends. And I look over and just about see K’s face. And you know it was like he really didn’t want me there. I weren’t his crowd. And I could hear my therapist’s voice in the background. She was saying that it was more in my head then anything so I thought rationally and…figured maybe he had made plans earlier. Of course then he said (whilst he thought I was talking to KD) (why’d you bring him along?). H just mumbled something like ‘he just came’. ‘He’ meaning me.

Well fast-forward to the good bits. A girl came and well she got in the car. I didn’t want to get in because of the marijuana smell. And also that feeling of ‘unwanted visitor syndrome’. H, K, KD and the girl were in the Car. K suddenly said lets go somewhere. I looked left. KD said something like ‘can’t…man overboard’ I think he was referring to me…

K said sometime ago that he and I would be friends for a v. long time. Lately he has being doing a couple things to test this theory to the limit. But he didn’t ever cross it. People just don’t do that to me. Cause I’m always going to help you and stuff. Defend you and stuff. Make myself look bad for you and stuff.
And so he made his cheap thing about offering to give me a ride home after college as way to allow me say ‘yeh sure…I’ve got lessons in the afternoon. I’m a good boy. I would never miss a lesson’. I gave him a blunt look and said, you know I don’t have anything in the afternoon. I don’t think he listened or he was pretending to be stoned or something. He said something else. I said its fine I’ll take the bus home. I just stood there. And the next couple of seconds he started the engine.

I mean…it wasn’t like…to be honest…I just stood there.

But, I knew something inside me cried it's heart out.
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FB.

“You don’t give your friends your number?”
“They don’t even know I have a phone”
“They know your suffering from depression?”
“I’m not so popular with my friends. Right now”
“I mean, you don’t ever speak bad about anybody, so I have to read between the lines. I... think your isolated, alone and sad. So you think that you ought not to believe what your heads’ saying. But… events speak for themselves. It’s not so much what’s happening directly, but what’s inflicted indirectly.”
“I don’t understand?”
“Well say a child’s parents decide to have a divorce. The couple might not want to deliberately upset their child but regardless of what they do, the child on the cusp of the family breakdown will inevitably feel…”
“…Horrible”
“…That’s one way to put it. SE its okay to feel upset. It’s a natural human emotion. You’re between a boy and man and here’s the thing. Men do cry. What’s unhealthy is to repress that desire. I think you should just...let go”
“In your opinion.”
“Yes. But… the question is, do you think it’s an educated opinion?”
I nodded.

************************************************
In simple words one cannot express raw human emotion if one is not a great writer and I am unfortunately not one. Such a negative sentence; oh god of literature past I beseech you to help me. And thus I can only say that that day was the end of a ‘friendship’ for me. The nail in the coffin as it was. I can say that the sky darkened for me. But it didn’t. Not for me anyway. London isn’t ever more then an afternoon away from rain. And so it rained coincidentally.

I saw KD look out the window. I think he thought it was shit to leave someone by the side of the road. At least that is what I made of his facial expression. And it was that which kept me back. It was them that were wrong. And as they went away, K pressed his horn once and that was that.

I made my way to the bus stop. Tears just wouldn't stop rolling. The trigger was set. I waited till I got on the bus. The tears were now nothing but a stain. That was done. Then I called the one girl that I had no doubt wanted to be with me. . “Didn’t I tell you I sensed the end, she said, “your words not mine”. And this she said without ever meeting any of my friends. Later as I crossed Canning Town, S had to go, and I was stuck in traffic. And the DJ on one of the radio stations I was listening to said that S had a song request in my name. "this ones for you SE"
He said more and that I was feeling a little down and that this one song would probably put into words what I felt. Trouble by Coldplay.
Half way through the song, S interrupted the song and said something that should remain between her and me. But what I said I’ll share with you. “ ‘Didn’t I tell you I sensed the end’” I said. “That’s a very good line even if I do say so myself.” She laughed at my appalling sense of self apprieciation. And I smiled along with her, this time to a different tune.

The End
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v.: very
TBH: to be honest
FB: flashback

Based on true events...actually its the piece Author wrote to console himself. So its the truth as I saw it.