EBOLOWA 20

By simonmiller15

Mon, 28 Sep 2015
  • 869 reads
2 comments
 

20

 

 

Certificate 18
Story
EBOLOWA
Historical Fiction
Drama
Crime

Comments

Submitted by Sandy Hogarth on

Love it Simon. Vast improvement and best of all the insights inot Candace, her uncertainly, less cocky. Now flustered and unsure. The story needs that.

Para 1 - needs a bit of tweeking. Reads as if tailwind behind Candace. Have forgotten Karen.

Dialogue with Helene really works. They both come over as sassy - Helene esp. 

'Should have sacked him perhaps too strong.'

Yes. I love this Candace. Didn't much care about the earlier one.. 'with relish' a bit of a cliche and you don't need it. Description of omlette does the work. The dialogue about being protestant is great.

'sagely'  -no. Bo adverbs like that.

This is great. Part of me wishes I'd revised more before rushing into publishing TGG

Submitted by simonmiller15 on

Thanks Sandy ---- this really helps, how you home in on each word.  I have some editing to do now. It's great to know that Candace is convincing.