EBOLOWA 28

By simonmiller15

Sat, 27 Feb 2016
  • 1403 reads
5 comments
 

28

 

Certificate 18
Story
EBOLOWA
Historical Fiction
Drama
Crime

Comments

Submitted by Sandy Hogarth on

3rd para - 'if the Greek was dead'

'His mind' para- like the tattoo image. Take out 'bissful'. Tpp cliched. Like the ension at the end of this para.

In the 'He pressed..' para. Not clear who bastard is and who had lost job

Good writing here. Love the 'He rang off para'

Ah, I now know who bastard is. Perhaps re-phrase earlier reference a little.

Douala - 'generator was clapped out'

'French vocab and  anyhow'

Superb surprise  - 'Monsieur's wife walking into ocean..'

'old journalist's house'  - needs a space and take out 'also

Find another phrase for 'full of light'.

Fantastic last few paras.

Really good writing Simon.

Sandy

 

Submitted by simonmiller15 on

Sandy - - Really useful feedback down to the detail as ever, thanks.  simon

Submitted by airyfairy on

Am I remembering wrong or was he Jules Raymond, not Jules Robert, in a previous chapter?

Submitted by simonmiller15 on

I will check --- thanks --- he WAS Raymond but in different version -- I must've blinked.  Will  sort. Simon

Submitted by simonmiller15 on

Hi AF --- fixed I think thanks.  Gormless Hans --- sets me thinking --- Good point --- I'll see if it can be nuanced without upsetting all the dominoes --- thanks again for such sharp reading simon