Tangled Up In Love

Why is love so painful? I think to myself as we stand silent beneath an apple pie sky, my emotions like the ice cream clouds forming then melting away. My hidden inner thoughts kept safely locked away, as I'm afraid of rejection, remembering we've been here time and time before.

 

Too many crippled memories cause my distrust, it wasn't that you were unfaithful, at least you had the decency to tell me you found someone else, but the agony when it was over was all too much.

 

It felt like you were sacrificing me to the wolves – those men who treated this broken heart as fair game, I was jilted over and over, marked by those who looked on me only for lust and a one night stand, but promised more. All I really wanted was for our hearts to beat as one, it was always only you.

 

I yearned to be marooned on your Island of warmth, to be cocooned in the security of your sheltered arms, to drift into your curves – feast upon your moist lips that oozed so much passion, as we drank each other in and our flesh became one.

 

Now gazing out across the Ocean, you reach for my hand. Shivering at your touch I pull away afraid. The sea holds no desire anymore, where once we swam and dived, enjoying the world beneath, feeling like we were the only ones alive. Now as rain begins to fall, it fits my mundane mood.

 

“What's up?” He asks placing a strong arm around my shoulder.

 

“I shouldn't have come!” I reply, wishing I'd not been quite so eager to return. It was November, there wasn't any comfort to be found just a distant memory.

 

“Well! I'm not hanging around here any longer, it's too cold.” He dropped his arm and turned to walk away. “Come on! Let's just go back up to the house, get some heat on.”

 

I paused wondering what to do, my feelings confused. “You go on! I'll just stay here a little while longer.” I watched as he shrugged and walked away, leaving footprints in the wet sand. I wanted to call him back, offer up what I was feeling, but pride got in the way.

 

Biting my bottom lip, I trembled with cold, tears forming then trickling down my already wet cheeks, mingling with the rain as I watched the tide ebb and flow.

 

Taking a deep breath, I wiped the tears away with my sleeve, realizing there was only two ways this relationship was going, either I stayed and lived in hope that he wouldn't stray once again, or I make the break and start to pick up the pieces of my life. Temptation to remain was so strong, knowing what we shared in happier times.

 

A stream of smoke began wafting from the chimney, speaking of love and warmth, a fire burning brightly would welcome this broken heart, but what of our tomorrows? Nights spent alone wondering who's arms he would be lying in when I wasn't there.

 

His very being draws me in like a magnet – but then I think! NO! More like a lamb to the slaughter. The phrase: better to have loved than never loved before, runs through my mind. For the first time in ages I come to my senses. Perhaps by telling him it's over, I'll break the spell, let him see how it feels to be dropped.

 

Sauntering up the beach mulling over what to say, I try to put all the doubts to the back of my mind, resolute for now. The beach house is a huge construction made up of bricks and wood, shaped like a crescent moon. Being an architect he knew exactly what he wanted and spent years getting the plans exactly right.

 

Stone steps led up to a grassy bank, leading to a driveway. I could feel my car begging me to get in and drive away, or perhaps it was the weather that made it so enticing. First there was the one thing I must do before I could think of leaving.

 

I reached the side door, resembling a drowned rat my hair hanging in strands. Pausing once again and taking a deep breath, I reached for the door handle. The welcome of home cooking assaulted my nostrils, I couldn't be doing with this. Needing to focus and not being clouded by the heavenly aromas, salivating I swallowed realizing how hungry I felt.

 

The kitchen was always so neat and tidy, a table was smartly dressed, a meal for two with a bottle of my favorite wine which sat in a basket.

All this was making my announcement even more difficult.

 

“A Thai Fish Curry for the lady with some Jasmine rice...almost ready,” he announced, smiling across the room as he stirs the pan.

 

Why did he always make things so difficult for me. “You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble – I really didn't expect all this.”

 

“Only the best for my lady.”

 

I wanted to stay, tell him how much I adored his company, but knew if this relationship didn't end here and now, I'd end up spending another night and again my heart would be broken in time.

 

Turning I quickly made my way to the bathroom without another word. Not even bothering to dry my hair, just getting out of my wet clothes, I packed them away in my haversack with the rest of my things. No matter what, I wasn't staying, for that I was sure.

 

Picking up the keys from the bedside table I was exhausted, swallowed up with guilt at what I was about to do. Walking back through to the kitchen, he gazed up, a look of astonishment on his face.

 

“What's going on? Why do you look as if you're about to leave?”

He stopped stirring and started towards me.

 

“I have something to say, before you utter another word, I need you to listen.”

 

He sat down at the table surveying the bottle of wine, picking it up and went to pour two glasses. “Not for me!” I declared. “Look! For longer than I remember we've always remained friends no matter what, even when you drifted away and had other relationships, but there's so much history between us, I can't begin to tell you how much it hurts each time you leave. I understand you can't be faithful to just me, that there's a world of women out there that you're tempted by, but that's not where I want to be right now, so I'm calling an end to anything we've got – it's for the best.”

 

“But! I don't understand – I thought it was what you wanted, an open relationship.” Getting up, he reached out for me.

 

Oh! How I longed to let him hold me. Too cold to care I made for the back door. “It's over and that's final. I'm sorry it had to be like this, but I hope you'll have a good life with someone who understands you better than me.” Without waiting to hear what he had to say, I opened the door and was making my way towards the car. I could hear him coming after me, but didn't stop to look.

 

The car door swung open in the wind that had picked up. As I got in and watched him tapping on the windscreen, his hair a mass of blonde curls blowing in the wind, I turned the key in the ignition, his voice a faint cry telling me to stay.

 

Reversing back up the drive and on to the main road, there was a sense of relief that I knew I'd done the right thing, however hard it felt.

 

The end.