Bitchin'

Me?

Life's been okay.

My family background's in banking ' solid New England aristocracy. I went to Hotchkiss.

I did a semester at Juilliard, studying piano ' but they couldn't teach me anything. So I took a year out and travelled the world.

Then it was Harvard. I won the Virgil Prize for Classics, plus a Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford. Took my doctorate there, translating Oresteia into Standard Cantonese ' one of my five languages.

I formed The Grapes after that. Permed won us a Mercury. We toured with R.E.M, but split after the third album. We'd taken it as far as we wanted. I'd sold my first novel, Piranesi, by then, anyway. I had other interests.

Dreamworks optioned my first screenplay, Ruby, and Spielberg was keen to direct. I wanted an indie feel, though, and chose Jarmusch. Steve was cool. Clooney's on board. Tom Waits, too. Shooting starts after Christmas.

I'm settling down now. I'm married to a Saudi princess. I play tennis with Nic Cage Thursdays. I went to Tom and Katie's wedding. Piranesi's up for the Pulitzer.

I'm 33.

And you know what?

I can't write 200 word stories for shit.

And I can tell you, IT SERIOUSLY PISSES ME OFF.