Agony 2

Agony 2

Dear Aunt Nasty
My eighteen year old son has the smelliest feet in living (or perhaps
dead and decaying) history. His bedroom is a pit of rancid aroma and
when the door is opened, a thick, green, putrid, fog wafts
downstairs and into the living room sending any visitors running
for the hills. The poor dog whines in misery if her nose is in line
with my son's socks. And the council have hung a toxic poison notice on
our front door.
Please help

Yours truly, Overwhelmed in Soxfordshire

My Dear Overwhelmed.
This one is easy. Take your aromatic offspring back to his youth, build
him a tree house and send him out to live in the garden.
Alternatively, next time he really pisses you off, make him a relaxing
cup of 'cotton seep' tea by soaking his stiffest socks in boiling water
for five minutes and telling him its the latest herbal remedy for
sweaty feet.
I do hope this helps.
Lots of love
Auntie xxx

Dear Aunt Nasty
Please help I am beside myself with worry. Whilst watering my auntie
Nell's plants (she's in hospital having her prolapsed rectum lifted and
her varicose veins threaded) I accidentally smashed her favourite
ornament. It's a hideous pot dog, which has already had its head glued
back on twice and has lost one leg. Alas this time despite my best
efforts with Superglue and enthusiasm it is beyond repair. Auntie
Nellie will be devastated.
Careless in Clarksville

Dear Careless

What are you worrying about? You have done the woman a service getting
rid of the tasteless piece of crap. Make an equally hideous mosaic tile
out of all the broken pieces and tell her its Art Nouveux. She'll be
delighted.
And anyway look on the bright side, she may have a thrombosis and die. That way your sin will never catch up on you. At least if she's left you the nasty thing in her will you won't feel
obligated to display it with your best crystal.
Give yourself a break, oops you already did
Lots of love
Auntie xxx

Dear Aunt Nasty
My fourteen year old daughter has just become involved with her first
serious boyfriend. The problem is that she is walking around with the
most horrendous bruises all over her neck. She says they are love bites
but to me she looks positively maimed. What should I do?
Horrified in Hickiesville.

Dear Horrified

Well darling, my first suggestion is? Feed the boy. He must be positively ravenous.

Isn't it amazing just how big a teenage boy's mouth is and how much
damage it can inflict? Have you tried the mirror test to see if this
young man has a reflection? Smother your daughter in Garlic my dear,
it's the only way. Coat her from head to foot, after all if he's done
that to her neck just imagine what he's? No, dear that's just too
horrible to contemplate. Auntie just had a little turn at the thought.
This Jack-the-lad may not be a vampire but at least it'll guarantee
that he won't want to be too near your girl. Neither will anyone else
for that matter, I would suggest repeating this procedure three times a
day until she is forty two.
Lots of love Auntie xxx

Dear Aunt Nasty.

I am in my last term of Uni. My final exams are imminent and I am
unbelievably behind with my course work. My parents are relying on me
to get distinctions in all of my exams and I am doomed to failure.
Suicide seems to be the only way out of the mess I find myself in.
Please save me.
Harassed in Harvard.

Dear Harrassed

Chill out Dude, smoke some dope or something. Hell, you heavy, man.
Do what all the other students do. Take out an enormous student loan
that you have absolutely no feasible chance of paying back within the
next seventy years or so. Shag as many girls, boys or both as you
possibly can. And take so many mind altering drugs that your brain
oozes pretty colours all over the place. This would be a good time to
drop your course in favour of a modern art degree and then at least you
can seep psychadelic brain ooze merrily all over a collage and get one
A. Re-sit every year for the next fifteen years. Trust me, no matter
what your parents say this is what they expect of you, and they will
already have prepared themselves for a lifetime of
disappointment.
Lots of love
Auntie xxx

Dear Aunt Nasty
My husband stole a Mars bar from me. I know this may seem a small
insignificant crime to you, but to me it represents a world of broken
trust. What should I do?
Distrustful somewhere in the Milky-way.

Dearest Distrustful.
Shoot the bastard with a high calibre, double barrel, sawn-off shotgun.
Make the punishment fit the crime I say.
Lots of love
Auntie xxx

Dear Aunt Nasty.
My boyfriend wants to have anal sex with me. What do you advise?
Clenched and tense in Bottomly

Oh My Dear Clenched.
I whole-heartedly approve. Go for it darling.
After all what could be better for giving the old sex life a healthy
boost than some good old fashioned loving in the open air. We have some
lovely canals dotted around the country and I believe the Norfolk
Broads are wonderful in spring. You need to hire yourself a barge, and
don't forget to make sure it is fitted with lifejackets. Be careful
when you go through the locks in case people see your bare bottom
bouncing up and down, and if you have a horse to pull the barge don't
forget to feed him plenty of fresh hay.
What a lovely boyfriend you must have I'd love a man to offer me some
canal sex.
Lots of love
Auntie xxx

Ps You might like to buy yourself a new keyboard my darling. Your C key
doesn't appear to be working.

Well my angels that brings us to a close for another month.

Take care now children and remember love each other. One kind word
cancels out a thousand harsh ones. Ladies attend to those little
details that keep your men coming home to you each night. And Gentlemen
don't forget to treat her like a lady.
`

Till next time, remember Auntie's motto

DO UNTO OTHERS ONLY DO IT TO THEM FIRST.