A Question of Sanity chapter 1 B

His voice was as comforting as a snuggle blanket. She ached at the thought of losing him. The joint in her  big toe was throbbing too, but that diminished in intensity compared to hearing Matt’s voice and knowing how she was about to destroy him. Matthew was an optimist. He believed that, although the results were a foregone conclusion, something would come up to prove that Ellie just had bad wind or something.

‘Hey, you, I’m fine, tired, but okay, so no fussing. How about you? What are you up to?’

On hearing Ellie’s contrived brightness, Matt’s voice changed.

‘Ellie, don’t bullshit me. I can tell by the sound of your voice how tired you are. Do you want me to come over? I left you alone to work today. And look what it’s done to you, you sound exhausted. I can be there in half an hour; I’ll bring us a pizza.’

‘No, no, not tonight, Matt. Remember what we agreed? Tuesdays and Thursdays we do our own thing. So tell me, why you’re talking to me when you could be on your third pint with the lads?’

‘Because you’ve got fantastic breasts and they don’t kiss me the way you do.’

‘So how do they kiss you?’

‘Too much tongue and bristle, not enough lipstick. Why, are you jealous?’

‘Madly.’ They enjoyed the lightweight moment before Matt’s voice became serious again.

‘I love you, Eleanor Erikson.’

‘I love you, too, sweetheart. I love you more than you can possibly know.’

‘Ellie? There’s something wrong. What is it?’

Damn him and his bloody intuition, thought Ellie. She’d wanted to delay the moment of destruction for a few more minutes until she felt braver. She was a miserable coward for telling him over the phone rather than face to face, but she couldn’t bear seeing his brick walls of conviction tumble down like paper streamers in a Christmas breeze.

‘Matt, you’re right; I have got something to tell you. No fooling you, eh?’ She laughed, not knowing how to go on, wanting to run away, leaving the phone dangling on its flex. She wanted to flee to the comfort of her pillows and bury herself in Jake’s fur until the madness that her world had become righted. She wanted to sleep until a doctor came to say there’d been a mistake, that her records had been mixed up with another woman’s with a similar name. It was possible, she thought, wasn’t it?

But here was now, and now was here. She had to tell Matt the truth.

‘I went to the hospital today.’

Matt cut in on her before she could go any further.

‘What is it? What’s the matter? God, I knew you’d overdo it with that bloody book. I knew I shouldn’t have listened to you, if I’d been there—’

‘Matt, shut up and let me finish. God, you always do that. You cut me up when I’ve got something to say. Have you any idea how annoying that is?’ Matt stopped talking. She could hear him breathing hard. She knew that he was gripping the receiver too tight, that his knuckles were white with the pressure. She knew he was biting down on his bottom lip the way he always did when he was perplexed. She knew that the pressure point in his left temple was pulsing, and that if she could just kiss it gently he would let the tension go and relax with a sigh of release. She wanted to spare him the next sentence, but she couldn’t.

‘I had the test results today.’

‘But, that’s not until tomorrow. I’m coming with you to the hospital. It’s going to be good news. Everything’s going to be fine. I’m booking a table at Clancy’s to celebrate.’ His breath broke into a sob on the final word. ‘Ellie, if you’d just waited until tomorrow everything would have been all right. I know it would.’ The last sentence had risen in pitch and held a note of hysteria.

‘They came back positive. I’m dying, Matt.’

Ellie’s voice had lowered to a whisper, as though speaking the sentence so quietly would lessen its power, that the string of events put into motion by the words would not be triggered.

‘No, no, no.’ Each repetition of the word was drawn out longer than the last. The small word had to be stretched to be long enough to hold all the pain that was coming across the phone connection at her.

 ‘I’m on my way.’

‘No. Matt. I know how much you’re hurting and I wish I could take your pain away, but tonight, I need to think about me. I’m so tired. I need to sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow, I promise. And we’ll talk. Book that table at Clancy’s anyway, I want to go out. You can buy me the most expensive meal on the menu—hmm, steak Dianne with the works. I love you, Matt.’

Ellie knew that she’d cut him. She didn’t mean to imply that he was selfish, or that he put his own needs first. He just wanted to help and didn’t know how and she didn’t have the energy to be tactful. She just wanted the conversation to end so that she could fall into bed. Despite the news, she thought that she’d sleep. Matt was quiet, letting the devastation settle.

‘Gold digger,’ he managed with a false laugh. ‘You only want me for my money. I know your type. All diamond necklace and deep pockets.’

‘Tell you what,’ she countered. ‘Take out some life insurance and then, if you die before me, I’ll inherit. You’ll have to be fast though.’

‘Not funny, Ellie, that’s so not funny.’ There were no tears in his voice now, just sadness that had knocked the breath from his lungs.

‘It’s the only way I know how. I don’t know what else to do but laugh at the bastard. The disease doesn’t seem so scary when you laugh at it. I need to sleep, love. I can’t cope with anymore tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow and don’t stay up all night fretting, it won’t do any good.’

‘I won’t,’ he lied. ‘You get to bed. Sleep tight.’

She couldn’t bear the thought of him hanging up the phone. She didn’t want to be alone. Every second they had together was precious. Was this the start of the mood swings that the doctor had told her to expect? She didn’t want to give in to the bone-numbing tiredness and fall into a deep sleep in case she never woke up. She wouldn’t give in to the evil disease that was robbing her of life. All she wanted at that moment was to feel the strength of Matt’s arms around her. She wanted to make love—no, she didn’t even want that. She wanted to fuck like a teenager. She wanted to suck Matt’s life into her body and fuck him hard until she was too exhausted to feel anything. She was still alive, so far, dammit.

‘Matty?’ she said, in a low murmur that he almost missed over the static of the phone.

‘Yes? What?’

‘I can’t bear it here on my own. Will you come?’

In his haste to get to her, he forgot to say goodbye. Without another word the line buzzed its disconnection. Ellie couldn’t help but smile through her tears.