Reminder (The)

The Reminder

She sat looking forlornly out of the window at the unremarkable
view.
Sipping absently at a cup of coffee, Carrie pondered over the last?at
this point her right hand moved autonomically to brush against her
breast. She hooked her forefinger under the face of her fob and lifted
it to check the time - eight minutes and seventeen seconds. What
exactly had she DONE in the last eight minutes and seventeen seconds?
No serious thoughts had worked their way through to solution in her
mind. She had no pretty garden to gaze therapeutically upon. It
occurred to her that the last?once again she checked her watch?nine
minutes and eleven seconds had been a complete waste of time for her
while the industrious robin in next door's guttering busily toiled away
on his new winter home.

She stood grumpily and moved through into the kitchen to wash her cup
and leave it to drain. "Oh well, back to it", she thought.

On the drive back to work she fell into line behind a cyclist. Oncoming
traffic made it imprudent to try and pass, so she contented herself
with watching the lycra in syncopation and the fluid stratagem of
shifting buttock that played out on the monotonous road in front of
her. Carrie allowed her eyes the pleasure of drifting lower until they
settled on a vision of brown, and very taut, calf muscle; so defined
that it bulged like a cable between the two walls of sinew either side
of it.

Was being held up behind this cyclist a waste of time? she wondered.
Hell no! The answer launched into her mind before the question was even
asked. This, she decided, was pure unadulterated THERAPY!

It was with a resigned sigh of reluctance that she noticed the road had
become clear ahead and she was able to pass the young man. But who was
the demon that popped onto her shoulder and made her toot her horn
cheekily and wave at him in her rear view mirror as she passed?

Carrie was still smiling to herself as thoughts of Jacqui eased
themselves into her mind; the gorgeous Jacqui who left a trail of
heartbroken men in her wake. Successful Jacqui. The ward sister who
could reduce terrified student nurses to tears with nothing more than
'that look'. Clever Jacqui, with her degree and certificates of merit
hung on her walls, and beside them the picture of the pretty girl with
blonde hair and lively eyes, in stark cap and gown. Jacqui. Jacqui,
Jacqui.

She pressed the button on the door phone and the green light lit up,
along with a click, to allow her admittance.

The smell of warm, fresh still steaming excrement met her in the hall,
greeted her like an overly effusive host, and wrapped around her in a
clinch that would stay with her for the rest of the day.
"Damn those bloody cheap stoma bags", she muttered under her breath,
before applying her 'cheerful voice' as she would a fresh coat of
lipstick.

"Hiya Jack", she chirped, taking the stairs two at a time.

"Oh Judith, I'm so glad to see you. I'm in a mess."

"Not to worry darlin`, we'll soon get you sorted." Already her mind was
working on distracting the upset woman from the indignity that her
burst colostomy bag had caused her.

"I tell you Jack, you would not believe what I have been subjected to.
I was stuck behind this cyclist with buttocks that could crack walnuts.
And there was me expected to endure, AND without sedation. Sometimes
being a woman is so difficult."

"Oh Alice, what are you like?" Jacqui was smiling and went on to tell
Carrie about one of her old boyfriends, while Carrie set about filling
bowls with hot water and assembling the plethora of products and
'smellies' necessary for the clean-up operation.

Some of the nurses and care staff found Jacqui 'difficult'. Before the
M.S. had come knocking on her door that Saturday in April four years
ago, she had been meticulous and particular about her appearance. Now,
as she lay flat on her back, she intended to retain what control she
could from her situation. "Sally, that second pillow needs to come a
little bit further over to the right. No, left a bit. A bit
more."

Carrie made the adjustment to put the second pillow exactly where it
had been in the first place.

"Yes," said Jacqui, "that's just right, Mary."

Eventually, after much fussing and faffing, Jacqui was presentable. Her
peg feed tube and Hickman line spread their entrails of tubes out to
the network of flashing lights and alarms that was her monitor. A
saline/glucose solution fed vital fluid from a drip by her bed into the
feed tube in her stomach. The constant suction noises blended with the
metronomic bleeping of her 'stats' monitor. The suction tube taped into
her mouth collected the saliva build-up that would otherwise choke her
since she had lost the ability to swallow.

Jacqui was fairly lucid today, her speech perhaps a little less slurred
than it had been the night before. The two shared smutty jokes and
chatted about men and cheap 'stoma' bags. Jacqui had become a close
friend over the months that Carrie had been calling.

Carrie had watched the gradual deterioration as the cruel and evil M.S.
had ravaged its way through her defenceless body. Carrie watched Jacqui
take her last steps before sinking sadly and permanently into her
wheelchair. She had passed the wheelchair every day for the last three
months as it gathered dust at the bottom of the stairs. Nobody would
ever suggest moving it out, because 'one day' Jacqui might be well
enough to get out of bed. Well, that's what she told herself.

And the latest demoralisation was that Jacqui was losing her mind. Oh,
it hadn't sprouted wings and fluttered out of the window as suddenly as
when the M.S. had called that day. It was a slow and cruel absenting.
It would merely flit out in a blaze of glory for short periods before
returning and announcing to Jacqui, "Ha-Ha. Fooled you, I'm back. But
not for long and next time I might be gone longer." Jacqui had sat with
grim determination and tried to will her hands to work. She saw them
weakening day by day until they hung clawed and useless by her sides.
She felt her mind morphing into a useless claw and hanging limply too.
They played memory games, had quizzes, did puzzles and crosswords;
anything to focus the attention. But invariably, Jacqui would lose her
temper and fly off the handle in frustration when word after simple
word refused to form itself for her.

To an outsider - for a short while - Jacqui could seem perfectly normal
mentally, but then light would dawn on the newcomer's face, and Jacqui
would know that she had said something inappropriate. Something just
one quarter tone away from perfect pitch.

"Mavis! Mavis! Come and look at this."

Carrie dutifully turned from the wash basin to sit on the side of
Jacqui's bed and watch as her terrier mounted the other dog's
head.

Jacqui's eyes lit up. "Look at her, she's having it off with his head
again. Wrong end silly. Oh, she is useless. No don't stop her. Look!
Look!"

Carrie covered a deep sadness with her 'feigned interest' look. Her
friend had 'looped out' for a few minutes again, but she would be back.
When she did come back, her head would hang in shame as her intelligent
mind processed the fact that for a few moments her focused interest had
been centred on a horny dog. Carrie would turn the conversation to
something political, or artistic, and they would discuss at length the
decline of the National Health Service.

Jacqui was tired now, her head slumped back against the pillows, and
Carrie had to make her comfortable because otherwise Jacqui was at the
mercy of gravity.

Carrie wondered how much precious time she had wasted that day as she
looked at the reminder in front of her, which counted the seconds of
her own mortality.

"Did you do anything interesting today Anne?" Jacqui murmured
sleepily.

"Yes love," answered Carrie, "I watched a Robin building a nest in next
door's guttering."

"Bye Carrie." A glint of perfect lucidity blazed defiantly from under
Jaquie's sleepy eyelids. That was the first time she had got Carrie's
name right for weeks.

"Bye Julie", answered Carrie.

"I'd throw a pillow at you for that if I could", said Jacqui,
smiling.

Carrie's heart ached for her friend, for it was moments like this that
hurt Jaquie the most. Carrie wondered if the robin had finished his
nest.