Horoscope (IP)

Horoscope

Chimp Today you discover the lost city of Atlantis. It is in your attic underneath the Breville sandwich toaster, the pasta-maker and the George Foreskin grill. It reeks of mermaid droppings. You quietly throw it away.

Fazzy You catch the memsahib in a passionate embrace with the punkah wallah. Wearing your finest sola topee you ride forth to shoot a tiger. You shoot the punkah wallah by mistake and the tiger eats the memsahib before you can reload. The witnesses all contract dengue fever from an unwashed mahout. You sip thoughtfully on your chota peg as you contemplate the savage and untamed wilderness that is Tunbridge Wells.

Gizzard This morning you shop until you drop. This afternoon you pick up what you dropped until you sick up what you slopped. This evening you swear to eschew rhymes, eighty-two times.

Lizard Today you have the heart of a lion, the cunning of a fox and the voice of an angel. For dessert you choose the Black Forest gateau.

Lozenge You learn to speak French. You go to Paris to show off your new skill. You are disappointed to find that everybody else there can do it too.

Creepy Sunday Jupiter is dominant in your chart today. You will find out what it really means to be under the influence of a gas giant. Avoid lifts and other confined spaces.

Howling Ninny A lacklustre day with little or nothing of any interest happening until early evening. At 8:14 the police discover your remains spread over a wide area. On the good side, you are on the ten o'clock news.

Biff You are a champion air guitarist. You team up with a mime bass player, imaginary drummer and silent singer. Your first album does not do well.

Sporran

Birth cheese: brie
Lucky vitamin: D
Element whose name you can remember: carbon
Discount: 25%
Haircut: mullet
Dominant star: twinkle minor (little star)
Leisure planet: Mercury
Another element you can remember: mercury
Pilot of Supercar: Mercury (Mike)
Messenger of the Gods: Mercury
It's only Indian food: mere curry
But I'm hungry: more curry

Sporrans are spontaneous, witty, nourishing and free from artificial colourings and preservatives. They excel in all situations where they perform particularly well. They are drawn to other scots signs and dislike having their fingers crushed in a vice. Some are called Henry but thankfully not that many.

Chippy

A pirate you shall be,
Too sick to go to sea,
A boat that sails on land,
Now wouldn't that be grand?

You build a boat with wheels:
No sails nor hulls nor keels,
No sailors and no rope,
No cabin boys to grope.

Your boat runs on the ground,
It makes a brrm brrm sound,
Abhorrent to a tar,
You've built yourself a car.

Snorkel You lose all your confidence as a burglar when a rabbit steals your pocket watch. You give up your life of crime and become a Chinese laundry. You indulge in a little amateur philanthropy, giving bibles and opium to the orphans of destitute prostitutes, drunken sailors and derelict freemasons. They can't thank you enough, so you whip them until they can. Soon you become Lord Chinese Mayor of London and marry the Queen. Your cubs all go to Oxford and Cambridge where they learn to race boats. I like days with a happy ending.

Cock Sparrow Today you are a Cockney. You put on your pearly underpants and descend the apples and stairs. The dog and phone is ringing. Balancing on your plates of feet, you answer it. Somebody is rubber calling you about a window bill. You can't understand a dicky word they Shakespeare's say.