Shell

Soaring through security and contentment although, weighed down with doubt and uncertainty. I pulse harder than ever before, to ignore the brain’s nervous bleeding and wonder. Exhaustion creeps in as I become smothered with empty hope and desolation, ripping layers from my soul until I am raw. The delicious cream like substance pumping happily through me slowly turns into a sour, cancerous sludge but optimism remains, hoping it’s just a phase.

A blistering snow storm swarms over me, no more beating, just stillness. It was so cold I nearly laughed out loud from the shock. The impossible does exist and I’m left in the shadow, exposed and cocooned in an icicle. The quiet became uneasy, tormenting me so I fidgeted until the ice cracked and I bleed hard, oozing myself out of the frozen stone, ripping as I am released. As I free a part of myself, I snap by accident and I watch my lost half be swallowed into the blue glacier reaching into the mist and evaporate into nothing. Absolutely nothing. Before I know it, I’m left half empty, split in half, crying out everything I had left inside.

Focus point remains on the spot I last saw my other half, my sorrow keeps some hope to save me from insanity but as time drags, the more of a worthless shell I shrivel up to. Leaking until I am an empty shell sat in my own warmth, I won’t let the wound heal, shut it with a scab, I am left gaped open where my other half once was.

One after the other, storms hit, washing away everything I wept like it didn’t matter. Words are screamed at me but a blank canvas stares back at them. My glazed shell of hollowness sulks near the shouting and the worry as if I hit an early death. I am told instructions I no longer understand. “Run. Live. Breathe. Be whole again.” Instead, I cringe and shrink even smaller, agonising and yearning for the security I once knew.

Alone again, I have no choice but to build strength and gather energy for my last attempt in finding what I lost but “lost” is what it will remain forever. The realisation squashes the only speck of hope I have in my pathetic shell. I silently say goodbye and promise that I will never forget and I will always have love, then, for the first time since I learnt how to pulse… I look away.

A commendable rush flows through me purifying the slime that I was dragging through my veins. The shadow of addiction had parted me and a light of epiphany shines above me, my blood boils and sucks itself inside my shell. Wrapping around me, hardening into solid steel. An armor that isn’t just ready for the battles but could tackle any war. I will always have a distinct memory of smashing through the thick icicle wall and releasing myself into bewilderment and remember it hurt like hell but now, I have blossomed into a whole again, but this time… I did it on my own.