Men

By staticshakedown

Sat, 02 Jul 2011
  • 2266 reads
9 comments
 

I showed my mother my arm
with its three tear drops of bites
falling down it
when she spotted two from beneath my sleeve
—red with nail marks—
and asked to see the others.

She frowned,
fingering the invisible line
that connected all three,
and said,
“Bed bugs.”

One bite was bigger than the others
so I named them: Saturn,
Uranus, Neptune.

This reminded me:
my sister stopped wearing shorts
because of a patch of freckles on her left leg.

In third grade
they learned about the Solar System
and a boy, pointing to her leg, said:
“It looks like the Milky Way”—
which hurt her feelings
forever.

Saturn is the same size 
as the pockmark
on my friend’s arm
from the smallpox vaccine.
I remember in grade-school
I would press my finger to it and say,
“Ring, ring!”

“They itch,”
I complained,
sawing at my arm again.

“Then put some rubbing alcohol on it,”
instructed my mother.
“And from now on
stop reading on your sister’s bed.
At least not at night.”

The Doctors eventually excised
the Milky Way from my sister’s leg.
Not for cosmetic reasons
but because they said something so big
could only lead to cancer.

Certificate PG
Poem
Poems
Other Fiction

Comments

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
this is certainly very original and interesting. Jenny.

 

Submitted by staticshakedown on
Thanks :]

 

Submitted by maisie on
i think this is excellent - both voice and subject - good. A little wordy in parts though and I found the last two lines hard to read aloud. I'm not sure if that's my fault or youra!

maisie angel Guess what?  I'm still alive!

Submitted by staticshakedown on
Thanks a lot. I agree--this poem still needs some tweaking.

 

Submitted by seashore on
Definitely has something different - I agree about the last lines not because of the C-word but it makes for an abrupt ending somehow. Other than that I like it very much.

Submitted by denni1 on
I really liked the ending, as it shocked .. xx

Submitted by staticshakedown on
Thank you, Denni :]

 

Submitted by Hydra on

I read this poem and felt I was diving in to something deep. It did not disappoint. 

You need to look at the words though and mercilessly cut out every word that is not pulling its weight.

For example:

Saturn is the same size as my friend’s
pockmark on her arm that she got
from the smallpox vaccine.
I remember in grade-school I would
press my finger to it and say,
“Ring, ring!”

How about:

Saturn is the size 
of the pockmark
on my friend’s arm
from the smallpox vaccine.
In grade-school
I pressed my finger to it saying
“Ring, ring!”

Be ruthless, words don't feel pain.

 

 

Submitted by Hydra on

I read this poem and felt I was diving in to something deep. It did not disappoint. 

You need to look at the words though and mercilessly cut out every word that is not pulling its weight.

For example:

Saturn is the same size as my friend’s
pockmark on her arm that she got
from the smallpox vaccine.
I remember in grade-school I would
press my finger to it and say,
“Ring, ring!”

How about:

Saturn is the size 
of the pockmark
on my friend’s arm
from the smallpox vaccine.
In grade-school
I pressed my finger to it saying
“Ring, ring!”

Be ruthless, words don't feel pain.