All-American 1

Rachel: What seems to be the problem?

Derek: I don't have any problems.

Rachel: Why are you here then?

Derek: My parents sent me here. I'm a straight A student and the quarterback of the varsity football team.

Rachel: Things are good for you.

Derek: Yes.

Rachel: So you don't want to be here. If you don't mind me asking, why would your parents send you here if you have no problems?

Derek: I really don't know. OK, I might have a problem.

Rachel: Continue.

Derek: I find myself disliking Koreans. I find myself not wanting to be Korean anymore as if "being Korean" were a phase of my life that I could outgrow. I like my American friends. I like American girls. I like the American lifestyle.

Rachel: Race is not something you can grow out of.

Derek: Why is that? Why must I always be struggling between being Korean and being American? I am so sick of acting one way with Koreans and another way with Americans.

Rachel: Why do you feel that you have to act one way with Koreans and another way with Americans?

Derek: I'm just tired. One night, I was hiding in my father's closet. Actually, I was going through my father's pants, trying to find some money to buy a keg of beer for a party. I heard footsteps. I hid myself deep in the closet behind the old suits. I felt squished in. I soon heard my father falling to his knees and crying. He was crying so hard that I wanted to cry. Then, he prayed to God. He told God how much he loved me but that he just couldn't show this love at all. It was the first time I had heard anything like that and all his crying made me feel awfully guilty. It was like...

Rachel: You felt connected to him for the first time.

Derek: Yes, but I didn't like it. I felt disgusted by him. He was so selfish!

Rachel: But he saw himself as being someone who was being strong for the family. There's a detail that I want to get back to, the detail about you stealing money from your father to get the keg of beer. When did you start stealing from your father?

Derek: The truth is, I just didn't want to ask him for money. I saw no point in it. He always gave me money whenever I asked. So I just started stealing.

My name is Derek Kim, YES, Derek Kim. I like Americans. I consider myself an American, not a Korean, and because I consider myself American, Koreans don't like me, including my parents and my sister, SONYA. Here I am, YES, in a church, a progressive Korean-American church that is supposed to understand what I am going through. I'll let you, reader, listen in on the sermon. Be careful though. It's not what you expect:

"Have you searched in the deepest room of your heart for that MOST RIGHTEOUS DUDE, JESUS. Yes, we all know his name, JESUS, five simple letters. I know that it sounds so simple to let those letters into your heart. I KNOW, some of you believe that you have it ALL (sweeeping his hand). You think life is about having the right zipcode, the right car, and the right girlfriend or boyfriend, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN THE EARTH SWALLOWS YOU UP? Earthquakes do happen. YES THEY DO! what are you going to do when your girlfriend is run over by a car while she speed bikes through the chaos of traffic? It's a dangerous world out there and ONLY JESUS, the ONLY RIGHTEOUS AND COOL DUDE can save your soul and mind."

AS you, the reader, can see, it is probably my sister SONYA who confessed to the new youth pastor all her terrible fears and anxieties about me. Sonya is actually pretty damned smart. She hardly ever studies and she gets straight A's. She's a got a boyfriend. Now, I'm going to try to say something nice about her boyfriend, but it's going to be really hard. His face is literally like a pancake. It's like someone smacked his face with a pan and he never recovered. On top of that, he has an eye-patch over his right eye. I don't know what else to say about him. She calls him the Captain and takes orders from him. Captain, as she calls him, believes that he can save the Asian race from certain death. I am his chief enemy. 

Tonight, I am taking a walk with my girlfriend, Riley. Riley and I have been dating for a few months now. The first time we met, I didn't know what to say to her. I've always tried to be cool, but Riley kept on entering the door of my mind after that.

-You don't get out much.

-Yes.

That's all I said. Yes. She was now next to me with her burning red hair and blue eyes and slightly tanned body.

Most words disappear. We don't really talk much. She likes to take photographs of me. I like to pose.

I drive her home after the walk. At night, I stare at the stars in the sky, one by one. The stars look so pure. They always shine no matter what. I like to look at the stars and just try to stare at one at a time. When I blink, I look at another star. My sister Sonya comes in. She apologizes for being so hard on me. She doesn't want me to get hurt. Is that all I want? To have the right girlfriend, the right car, and the right look? How about all the Koreans who are suffering. Did I care about them? I ask her why she's got to be so complicated. It's my life to live