Between two lines

where am i
between two lines,
trying so hard to be good
on the one side, on the other
stuck to the earth,
made of primal instincts,
a military demeanor,
straight, stuck
to the gun
after.

so depressed, so deeply depressed
i become
knowing nothing but a deep wound
a deep hollow,
something terribly wrong,
something that cannot be knitted back...
God help me fix this
it's so real
so monstrous...

a deep silence
pregnant with warm feelings,
a sublime knowing,
it's a colorful reminder,
a blissful surrender.

why do i wonder about others
in my loneliness
is such joy, sometimes
touching the face of God,
touching
my brain hurts...