First Love 4

Yes, I had felt nothing. Old feelings die hard. I have tried to find those old feelings again and again and they just aren't there.

When I saw her again, I had been stripped of my feelings. I was not sure what I felt anymore. Was I just trying to mimick the feelings that white people had? Was I trying to become like everyone else and lose my individual feelings?

I was not quite sure if my so-called friends really had any feelings for me. After all, Johnny had made a key to my parent's old house and had had parties there. The neighbors had called the cops. They were all arrested. The news spread all over the school. People distanced themselves from me. Some people were outwardly racist. They said that I had framed their kids. Parents were afraid of how this would affect college admissions. I got strange phonecalls and letters saying I did not belong in America.

I wanted to find my old feelings of love again. I no longer wanted to acculturate into American culture. I wanted to find love. I thought I may find it again with Beth but instead I found dead feelings, corpses of what I once felt. Nothing. It was bitter. I had expected love to be my salvation...