Searching for God

God, are you there?
or have you
disappeared or been broken apart
by postmodern hands?

I search for you in my pains,
in my suffering,
trying to find you
where it hurts, where
it raptures and captures, dear God,
are you in the kernel of my pain
which is so disappointed with what the world offers,
or are you somewhere else
taking care of a faithful one
who is about to die?

forgive me Lord for chasing after pleasure,
for wanting to go out with the popular girls,
wanting to show all these guys that I was a man,
not a boy to be toyed with, forgive me
for lusting for women, wanting
to be the head of a tribe, wanting
to be adored.

I ask you? Was I like the prodigal son
who wanted to experience the other side
before choosing the world of God, was I
so wrongheaded and wicked in my desire to experience?

forgive me for wanting so much a part of the crowd
but my identity was lost in the act of blending in,
I became a banana
and a laughingstock?

Lord, open the door and let me in
do not shut me out
while tears dry out my soul.