Why is it so hard to change?

after realizing you can't go on
the way you've been living, that
it's just not going to work, why
does it take cancer,
being sued, being humiliated,
being taken past the breaking point
then again
to change, is that
just the way I am?

Why is it so hard to change
after you see
that your life is dead,
there is no lifeline, no pulse
no beauty to be stolen from the moment,
why is it so hard to change
when you are facing financial collapse?

It is so hard 'cause
you are afraid of trying to find other
pleasures,
ones that only come after much searching,
you are afraid to change because
your relationships change,
you are afraid to change because
it hurts you so much to convince yourself
that you are valuable, there's
something deeply worthy about you.

it is hard to change because
you become so used to yourself,
and you can justify almost anything
except that you are so close
to death
you can only breath
last silences.