MY LIFE OY VAY 16 (DIARY OF A DRUNK BASTARD)

MY LIFE OY VAY 16.
(Diary Of A Drunk Bastard)

I’ve had a painful foot for some weeks now, it’s an old war-wound sustained on the tennis courts of North London many years ago. It would occasionally flare up through the years but settle down after a day or two. But the pain is now with me for about five weeks and decided I needed to go to the doctor, I was due to see a Dr. Esther Grenfell and I imagined a Joyce Grenfell type who would be witty but look like a horse. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Think of a lighter skinned version of Audrey Tatou with the most piercing green eyes, she also had the ‘bob’ hairstyle that Audrey Tatou wears so well. When Dr. Grenfell was explaining things to me I found it difficult to look her in the eye, God she was gorgeous, about 25 with the most perfect face with not a touch of make-up. She didn’t need it. Anyway she thinks I may well have something called Morton’s Neuroma which sounds much better than a painful foot. So I have to go for an x-ray to see what’s going on and if there’s a cure, because it inhibits my stumbling.

IN THE NEWS.
At last we’ve got him; Osama Bin Bommin Sanchez-Vicario-Archer has been Apprehended in a cave in West Wycombe Buckinghamshire. This has brought great relief to the literary world. Osama Bin Bommin also known as ZZ Topknot was also revealed as the long-lost brother of Jeffrey Archer the well known wit, raconteur, bibliomaniac and lying Tory prat. Osama said from the safety of his cell at Pentonville chokey that he was glad that the years of subterfuge were finally over. “I’ve tried to make something of my life, flitting around the world causing panic and mayhem in the shopping malls of the decadent west.” Just to expunge the guilt I feel at being related to someone who is to the literary world what Vlad the Impaler was to Age Concern.”

After taking a sip of Moet et Chandon from a prison beaker he continued. “I even had to lose the suffix to my name so as not to be implicated in the works of my brother who’s been bludgeoning the world of literature for far too long. He’s the one who should be arrested and charged with crimes against humanity and terrorism of the English language.”

Aranxcha Sanchez Vicario-Archer the well known tennis player and known as The Barcelona Bumblebee - who still plays on the over 35s circuit - interrupted her training regime today to hit out at the news that the world was hounding her long lost half-brother Osama. “ I know why he do thees theeng and go into hide from peepuls an’ preeten’ to hurt them weeth his masheen gons an’ splode up the hairports weeth hees bumbs. He angree like me about Yeffree writings his bullsheets an’ calling them leeriture. I think they fockin’ steenk to the ‘igh ‘eavens, an’ I afraid to be assoceeateh weeth heem ‘cos people weel theenk I ‘ave no substance as a tennis playor an’ thass make me angree an’ then I ‘ave to heet them with my tennis bat!”
Whereupon Ms. Vicario shoved the wrong end of her tennis racquet up a journalist’s arse and stomped off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I see a report that the humble aspirin has come up trumps again with regard to its anti-ageing properties. Barbara Cartland the raconteuse and novelist who is a remarkable 194 years old, spoke today from her fur-lined mausoleum in Golders Green in support of these latest findings. She said she’s been downing them by the bucketful since the Boers laid siege to Mafeking and feared that England’s might - might just be on the wane. When informed that we are now broke and that England’s manufacturing output was less that the square route of an Isosoclese triangle, she blurted out that she was the long-lost love-child of Osama Bin Bommin’ and Camilla Parker Bowels. She suddenly began decomposing before our reporters eyes.

Lord Lucan emerged from the mud at the Woodstock festival last year and said that he was relieved to come out of hiding and clear his name at last, now that his life’s work was completed. He’d been using the nom de plume of Max Yasgur for many years so that he could go about the task of re-creating The Woodstock festival without let or hindrance from The New York rozzers or Interpol. “I hit upon using the name Max Yasgur as it was anagrammatical of my own name and who in their right minds would think of me living as a hippy farmer?”

The police sergeant who was interviewing him looked puzzled as well he might.
“Wossangroanatacomical?” When our reporter informed Lord Lucan that he was having trouble believing his story the arrant ‘Blue Blood’ said he’d never heard of Lord Archer and no he didn’t know where the real Max Yasgur was and why don’t you just ‘hang loose man!
I stumbled out to The Cres. last night to get some Fried chicken, I needed comfort food. I bought enough for a family of four and verily it was as the sign said ‘arselickin’ good.’ And I’m now suffering what the scientists call Intermittent Explosive Bowel Disorder.
What’s all this fuss about regulatory bodies? You know, OFWAT for water, OFGAS for gas, OFBUGGER for bankers, they all seem supine, what we need is a regulatory body to regulate the regulatory bodies, what could we call it? Oh I know OFUK.
‘Some of us prefer illusion to despair.’ That was Muntz on The Simpsons as he retrieved a picture of Snow White. Has there ever been a better comedy on television?
It's 4.20am and I'm not able to sleep so I just got up and started watching a film I recorded a couple of weeks ago, and lo who should appear but a young looking Eva Langoria or Longoria as a put-upon wife. The film is Hard Times and very good. Now that I've started writing I suddenly feel very tired. G'morning.
Harsh Times and it's Longoria and the film was fucking brilliant!
I've just seen/heard the Duffy Coke ad. and what a Minnie Mouse type voice she has. I've gone off her. I've been up all night and feel like shit, I'm going to buy some over the counter sleepers.
I'm so glad I found that standby uses virtually no electricity, I can now get instant access rather than waiting the 5 minutes it normally takes to boot up. Just heard V V Brown's new single she's cute and the video has Regent's Canal as the backdrop, which is where I walk along to ARP though I've never seen her.
Tammy Trull is well worth a look, she was Christian Bale's love interest in Harsh Times.
My Hay diet is beginning to work as my lower digestive transit (wonderful euphemism for having a crap) is smooth and many times a day. But you didn't want to know that.
This feckin' machine is seizing up or freezing which I believe is the correct terminology. Ah, it didn't like the ecard site I was on. Finally managed to close it down.
I've sent ecards before but for the life of me can't figure it out now. Stephen Fry on QI when they were discussing alcohol stated that 'there is absolutely no evidence that alcohol destroys brain cells.' Ha!
Just heard a voice-over in an ad. 'Get the body you've always dreamt of.’ I’d love to get hold of the body of Nicole Scherzinger?

It's been a good day so far I slept like a baby (lots of crying and I crapped my nappy) oooh V V Brown's on at the moment showing my route to ARP along Regent's canal. Now I know that's grammatically incorrect, it should be The Prince Regent's Canal but who gives a fuck! Lovely weather here, cumulus nimbus scudding (love that word: it's not used nearly enough) across the sky.
Students are moaning more. There's been a 25% increase in complaints, according to the independent adjudicator. And what's their biggest gripe? They're being unfairly accused of plagiarism, they say. "I wasn't copying, it's not my fault if me and Richard Dawkins think the same..." Ha ha he. This from the Guardian on-line just now.
I've just been contacted by someone on Freedating. She says she's not disabled and is a Catholic. What greater disability is there? Mind you she writes in lower case as in i'm a light drinker (code for a heavy drinker) and she's a light smoker (as in 80 a day.)

There's an absolute BABE in - no it's finished. She was in Numbers on 35 and was in the James Woods series about a year ago. Blond hair and brown eyes, a killer combination in my book. More about an old girlfriend (girl friend?) later.
Sarah Carter! (makes Homer Simpson gurgling noise.)
If you google Sarah Carter then click on the 4th photo along then embiggen it, and there she is in all her glory. She was a para-legal in Shark starring James Woods. She was also in Dirty Sexy Money and The Summer House.
I am reminded of a girl I met at a meeting years ago. She was pretty with blond hair and brown eyes, collar and cuffs matched narda mean? I was taking her back home across the Heath so that she could catch a bus. We sat down on a bench and I can honestly say know one has ever kissed me more sensuously. Very gentle. Fahkin' 'ell my nob was like granite, she stood up and said "come on." I said "I can't stand up!" Of course she knew and started laughing and just walked off saying "I'll call you tomorrow." I still remember it and her to this day. She'd been born into that orange mob, Mareeshee, Mahesh, Bogey or some such, and had been a sex slave so she could only relate in a sexual way. Brilliant!
The best cop show The Wire is on, I don't know what the fuck's going on but it's brilliant. It's also got the best theme song ever.
Hattie Hayridge "There are so many things I don't know. I wish I knew what they were?"
This is something I've just posted to abctales as someone posted something about snooker. 'This won't be word perfect but back in the day when a lot of people watched snooker in black and white, the commentator thought he'd be helpful to the unfortunates: he said 'for those watching in black and white, the pink ball is just below the blue ball.'
You've probably webstered this already but muster means a rigorous examination.
Did you see that twerp the other night dissing the 'cheapening' of classical music citing Vanessa Mae and the wet tee shirt brigade. Pompous arse! That’s a great name for a rapper.
Yes that's a phrase which is nonsensical. Again I'll bang on about the Americanisation of our language and culture, not altogether a good thing. And that's not going all Ludditist on you, they are after all responsible for Macdonalds, Burger King and Lee Harvey Oswald. Did you know that in a survey they found that 30% of American teenagers (it wasn't stated what age bracket) couldn't find America on the map. Mind you it might be well the same over here - finding England I mean.

Oooh. Argos are doing special offers just for this week. They have a Wharfdale DVD recorder with Freeview for £78.
I've just been watching Clueless with Alicia Silverstone, it really is a brilliant satire on teenage mores and teenspeak. What-ev-er! And Alicia Silverstone is a babe, or should that be a very good looking young woman. Nah! Doesn't work. She's a babe! I've just mugged up on her and one of the reasons we've not seen a lot of her (as if) she says that she hates the trappings of fame. She started out acting because she loved acting but became famous 'and suddenly you're a 'product' I hate it. She's a vegan, 'so no blow-jobs then.'
Text of letter to The Grauniad. 'After 125 years of trading we've got to know Marks & Spencer as M&S, it's a good job they didn't call themselves Spencer & Marks.'
Oh forgot to say, and this is apropro of nothing, I made my big soupy thing and with lentils - as you'll know - they don't half bloody stick to the bottom. No, not my bottom, when they get that far through the conventional they pour out like flaming lava and almost as hot. I was scrubbing and scrubbing with no joy. No not my.....oh shaddup. So I thought soda crystals. Soaked it overnight and bingo the burnt on lentils just wiped off.
( email from brother) Maybe you need a mechanised slow stirrer gadget thingy.
What the feck is that?
I know, I'll go into John Lewis and ask for a mechanised slow stirrer gadget thingy and they'll know.
Slight worry about this DVD recorder the box has obviously been opened up before and the recorder itself unwrapped, everything has been sellotaped back up. Mind you I've got the receipt.
Mmmmmm. I just gave the instructions a quick peek and it says that the DVD drawer will not open until set-up has been completed. So I just plugged it in and have not connected it to any Scart or aerial. I pressed the open button and it opened suggesting that it has already been set up. But maybe it's my instinctive paranoia. We'll see.
I'm not going to bother to try to set it up tonight, I'm recording something already and there's a load of stuff I want to watch. I'll do it tomorrow afternoon or as I'm sure it was written at some stage in time - after noon. Mind you I've got a plumber coming around in the afternoon to sort out my fungus problem. Oooer missus!
Remember we were discussing this craze for carrying bottles of water around, with people thinking that they have to drink 2 litres of water a day, just because of a report some time ago. It stated that we should consume 2 litres a day but we get 70% of our water needs through food. Well I was reminded of that through the early hours of this morning. I'd consumed apples, a pear, bananas and oranges. I had to get up 3 times in the night to do major wee wees. I'll not do that again.
I've just discovered the artist and song behind the best cop show on telly. It's Tom Waits singing Down In The Hole. Of course it is! I thought it was a sixties recording of some blues guy. I've been watching it from the off and still haven't a clue what's going on, but I know that it's brilliant. Well I'm being slightly disingenuous in that I do know what's going on but it is very involved and everyone is on 'the take.' God we've moved morally in televisual/cinematic entertainment in 60 years, the guys in the black hats are now winning rather than the white hats.
SimonHoggart: I'd vote for any sleaze MP rather than see Esther Rantzen in The House of Commons. Also he relates a Ken Dodd joke. 'Why do frogmen fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.'
I’ve been trying to remember an Amerie video with a very funky bass line, and my younger brother (who knows everything) speaks of a video where she is wearing a red dress. The red dress rings a bell! Oooh, that sounds like the title of an enigmatic novel.
Two strangers, a man and a woman had the same compartment on the sleeper from London to Glasgow. They agreed that when one or the other had to change for bed the other would wait in the corridor. This was done. As they trundled along the woman said "I'm very cold." The man said "shall I get you a blanket?" The woman said amorously "can we pretend we are husband and wife?" "Okay" he said "get your only bloody blanket!"
I'm watching Bullit and it is just about to go into car chase mode. THE BEST car chase EVER!
Iva Ivanovich is playing in The French Open which I can watch on the computer: what a babe. I love technomology. Ivanovich is on top. Oh if only.
I'm going to have a go at setting up the DVD player.
I've got Britain's Got Talent running in the background which should be renamed Britain's Got A Talent For Shite. It's a poor substitute for someone to talk to and I find myself talking to the TV - out loud! I'm cracking up.
Phylogeny - is that the history of 'stuff' or some weird sexual indulgence?'
Bombus sounds like a contraction of pompous and bombastic: is it?
I've put on half a stone in just over a month: going to have to re-think the diet. If it takes going to FFA or Fat Fuckers Anonymous I will.
As I suspected: the inputs are all in place and the DVD just isn't responding. And yes, the batteries are in the remote. So this will have to go back.
Fuck! I've got it to work. Who says pushing buttons and random doesn't work!
Finally, I get to watch Battleship Potemkin. Now to see if the Otis Redding DVD plays properly. Bloomin' 'eck! I've just watched a very young Bo Diddley, Tina Turner and The Ronettes singing their version of Shout. Of course not together. I love technomology.

Otis Redding: where has all that energy and verve gone from black music? I suppose they've been incorporated into our society. They're making big money and don't have that struggle against the 'man.' Us. And why does the radio ever only play Aretha Franklin's version of Respect when Otis's is so much more! And I think that Aretha Franklin is the best female soul artist ever. She’d still give the Maria Carey’s of this world a run for their money.
Otis introduces Eric Burdon as Eric Bolton. Tee hee!
Whatever happened to Sandy Sargeant?
They have out-takes of Martha and the Vandellas from the 60s Jackie Wilson. How quaint, they talk about integrated groups on American TV. Didn't they notice that Booker T and the MGs were integrated?
Ike and Tina Turner on the Ed Sullivan show? It's a bit like The Prodigy appearing on The Michael Parkinson Show.
Oh wow! Gladys Knight and the Pips singing live. But in a hospital?
'Do You Love Me' by Jimmy Church: brilliant! Not the lame Brian Poole and the Tremeloes version. I love technomology.
Mind you it is not as immediately responsive the way that video is. That's probably the technology not catching up, but they've had enough time.
The Avons singing Sam Cooke's You Send me: feckin' brilliant! I have to get that DVD player and run you off a copy. They don't state on the cover that all this stuff is on this DVD.
Fookin' 'ell they've even got footage of the Apollo astromenauts training for the landing on the moon! I'm going to have to switch off and have a bath.
They've even got footage of The Beatles first arriving in America.
Just watching a programme called Just For a Laugh - I know, it's cheesy - but I confess it was chosen by accident. Woman comes out from park wearing a bikini, and asks a passer-by to hold up a blanket while she changes. And being Brits. we do as we're told. She changes into a nun's habit. The look of shock on their faces is worth watching!
(Email discussion with younger brother) Lower middle class is not a phrase 'one' hears much any more. It's basically Working Class, Middle Class and Upper Middle Class. These are the poorest of the lot, living in fusty old mansions they cannot afford to repair. Most plumbers earn more than they do. Didn't Matthew Wright discuss this some months ago? Actually this sort of thing is laughable and attitudes began changing circa 1963 when a certain band made it cool to have a regional accent. If you watch any programme about 1960 and listen to the accents of interviewers, it makes one cringe old boy. But it's odd that casting agents today complain when looking for posh birds to play some 'crusty' bint say that there are few out there. Irony or wot?
It's just one's perceptions. Society is ever changing and when the introduction of unions way back when, that was the beginning of the end of poorly paid workers, and being in thrall to the gentleman farmers. Crikey think of the things we have. We don't have to eat coal anymore! We eat well (if we want to) and all this in a twinkling of an eye, in terms of the history of the world.
(We had stables filled with junk.)
The reason the stables were filled with junk I suspect was that my father was an alcoholic and working at half speed. My father could make £70 on a market day, how much would £70 be worth today. He, if he hadn't have been such a fuck-up and impossible to work with, could have made something of the stables could have had a shop there and fucking hell he had captive customers in the shape of several thousand USAF servicemen. (We lived next to a USAF base.) He should have been very rich. On the subject of him being impossible to work with, he had seconded to him some German ex-prisoners of war. Mum was talking to one of them and he said to mum in his halting English "him bad man, very bad man." Oh back to the labelling of human beings, going back I don't know 100/150 years the current working class were referred to as the lower classes. What's in a word eh? The lines have become blurred and it isn't just about money. A mechanic with his own garage making £40,000 a year would be considered working class but a barrister in his first few years makes on average £5,000, I know this because I lived amongst them. That's why most of them come from wealthy backgrounds who'll support them. Of course in later years their earnings should rocket thereby perpetuating the inequity that is capitalism. This won't matter a fig in a few years anyway because the world will blow up.
Do you know they're going to 'sell' Pot Noodle to the French. Hahahahahahahaha! Good luck with that.
'There've clearly been desertions from Labour' Can't people speak proply no more? This was a quote about the election in Leicester.
I made someone's day or possible even their life today. Isn't life great!? Walked over to Holloway Road to exchange DVD/RW with no problem! How bad's that! While in there was looking at TVs and noticed a TV similar to the one in Curry's for £40 less. Result. It also had a DVD player which the Curry's one didn't, double result. Then I noticed a 27" for £230 which is larger than the one of I have at the moment (21") this is also cheaper than the 21" Curry's model. I came out wanting a wee, why do I drink the equivalent of 4 coffees before going out. So; I looked for the nearest cafe with a loo found one and went in. I ordered yet another coffee from someone who looked strangely familiar and did my ablutions, not right there of course. I sat down and all the waitresses had strong east European accents and I thought that they sounded Polish. When they spoke together this was confirmed, I know this because Wanda my long-standing friend is of Polish extraction and I've heard her speak Polish on many occasions and I do the Jamie Lee Curtis thing from A fish called Wanda. (I've just thought............. how spooky is that? Polish, Wanda and a Fish called Wanda.) Anyway I was looking at the waitress wondering who she reminded me of and then I had it, Isabella Rosselini! I swear, a 25yr. old Isabella Rosselini. When I paid her I said "you remind me of Isabella Rosselini" there was a second of puzzlement while her cerebum processed that and suddenly a smile that would have lit up a small village. "Oh, s'ank you very much!" Why do we venerate beauty so much? I suppose that's how it's been and always will be. I wonder if I had said 'I admire your command of English' whether she'd have been as pleased?
On my way back I pass a car for sale for £600, a T reg. Nissan Primera hatchback. Absolutely perfect condition apart from a tiny little crack in the reversing light plastic cover. I was planning to wait until the end of the year before I looked around for something else. The best laid plans............. This might well be a bargain, the sign in the car says 'full MOT history' which is important as it means that they can't cheat on the mileage. The thing that's stopping me from calling the number is that I caught an £800 'cold' on the last one, depleting my bank balance somewhat. But I figure I can save £50 a week until the end of the year which would then afford me a decent car and leaving me a decent float. Mmmmmmmm, don't know, this car 'might' just be a bargain that you read about people getting.
Wanda (pronounced Vanda) is a long-standing friend of mine from 1983, I built a kitchen for her. She's a special needs teacher and therapist. We had thought about 'getting it on' way back when, but she said "if we have an affair it will only last a while and I'd like to keep you as a friend." I said "I agree" whilst muttering to myself 'damn damn damn.' But she was right godammit. She's very attractive, with a blistering sense of (black) humour, with a lovely giggle.
You'll think this sick. When the Twin Towers fell on 9/11 I spoke to her the next day and she said "so who said they couldn't make the 'big apple' crumble?" Strange: spooky? Wanda emailed me a couple of days ago saying let's go for a walk on the heath. That's not the spooky bit. When I got back I was in the loo and heard the phone ring, and the answerphone cut in and I heard Wanda. So rushed in and picked up the phone and said "hello sweetie, how are you?" "Oh I'm fine how are you?" "oh I'm in great form I'm sober and all the better for hearing your dulcet tones." And she giggled that giggle that makes me go weak at the knees. She then started saying "you left a message yesterday about the I.T. course." I did that look of puzzlement that Isabella Rosselini look-a-like did, but in my head. I had phoned a number yesterday about an I.T. course: it wasn't Wanda! I said "I'm sorry, I thought you were a friend of mine, I'm sorry!" She did that lovely Wanda type giggle. I love her! I'm just wondering why Wanda should be featuring in my life so strongly at the moment. Oh the I.T. course is not curriculum based and I learn what I need to, and it's free!