RANT FROM THE HEART

We've been together for over a year.

Something told me he was special or better said, he would captivate my heart by pretending to be different. Guys all start out the same. They promise to be there for you and be loyal at any cost. The love is strong and you want to go out because i am the new toy. You want to show me off and let the world know you love me. 

I'll give it 6 months....

You take my hand and show me a different perspective. The world could be beautiful if we face our fears together, stay by each others side, and love one another. Nothing is out of our reach if we learn to stick together. Two against the world baby.

Yeah the fuck right....

We have our differences and we have our disagreements. That's not a big deal. We all go thorough this. This is normal. We will be fine because we are still together and as long as we have each other, we have it all. We make plans to go out some weekend. Movies? Lake? Friends? Who knows. Anything to make me happy, right?

At least for now...

We all have secrets, emotional baggage, and insecurities. It's ok. Because i love you, I will stand at your side and hold your hand through it all. Of course, at the cost of you letting me do whatever I want.

So you text her....

You text many others and even email them when you want to take the attention off your phone....So i start to do the same thing. Maybe not with people i know. Apps. Strangers. I've never met these people but they comfort me when i am most insecure about myself. I don't have to explain myself to them. I don't care if they like me or not, i just want to see if he would;d care to know that i am holding a conversation with some stranger. 

No reaction...... 

He is a wonderful musician. Plays the piano like if it were second nature. He goes out to clubs because its work required and we musn't forget that we cant live without certain products. They could never be absent in this home. 

You wake up and make breakfast for me, sometimes clean the house for me while i am at work earning more money for you to spend. You love me..... I think... You care... I think.... and sometimes when we fight, you let me know its all my fault. I never do things his way so I am always wrong. My feelings are wrong, the way ii think is wrong, and everything i like id odd. 

I used to be interesting to you. I used to captivate you. I am no longer interesting.... You feel like you know me......

I love coming home from work. I get to come to my house. Where i can be me and i get to be comfortable for a few hours before i have to shower, get dressed, plaster a smile on my face and go to work. Where i make a living off of great customer service, critical thinking, problem solving, and sales. The wonderful life of sales. I hate all those mother fuckers. Customers think that you live to make them happy and you have to do as they say. But fuck all  of them..... I love coming home to him. and seeing him. But sometimes i feel like he keeps me around only to bleed money out of me and fuck me. He never keeps a job. Something is always wrong and once again, i find myself working twice as hard to keep the apartment, get the bills paid, put gas in both cars, and food on the counter..... because he uses the table for the fucking TV...... or clothes, ashes, trash, DVD's' out of their box, shoes, coins, papers, and any random shit you can easily put away but you would rather throw it on top of the pile that soon I will have to get to. 

Usually on my lunch break or after work.......In the mean time.... go do you.... because God knows you don't do me unless you want something from me..... another $20? More junk food? More beer? Another movie?

How many times did i tell myself that i would never be dragged down again.... No more will i take care of a grown ass man, years older than me, and i have to take care of him.........Why do i have to be the one to support the stability in this apartment..... Why do i have to be the one to wake up early and come home to clean? 

Mean while, he sleeps.... because too much is going on and "shit just be hard..." 

shit must be hard......

I love him......

i need to love myself more....

Where is my man........ I want a real man...... Because I am a real woman. I make it at my own expense. I always have. Even when i had nothing but a mattress and bed sheets. (and a few bags of clothes... 3 pairs of shoes...) 

Imagine what life would be like if i could rely on him and he can rely on me. We both bring the bacon home and cook it. We both keep the house clean and organized. We could make plans together and follow through with them. Maybe take a couple weeks to vacation by the beach. 

Just imagine.....I know I exist.... I know I am a woman..... I need to know if he is my man...... or where is my man....

*******RANT FROM THE HEART*******