Ears

(I really don't know if I should be doing this, too late now though I've rung the bell) "Hi, Karen. It's so good to see you."

"Hello. Hi. I can't believe it's been so long, come in. Excuse the mess, but the kids are on the rampage."

"No, it's fine, much better than the squalor I'm used to living in."
(I can't believe it, you've moved into suberbia, this is just like your mum's house).

"You're looking good." (christ, she's put on weight, she's not pregnant again is she)

"No I'm not pregnant, just put on a few pounds since I've been out of work."

"I didn't mean…" (god she knows me so well)

"I know, only joking. I can't believe it's been seven years. Anyway, this is Jamie, say hello to your uncle Terrence."

"Hello Jamie. Actually we've met before, you were just a baby, though I'm sure you still remember me." (christ, look at those ears, they're huge)

"Say 'Hello' Jamie. You'll have to excuse him, he doesn't really do social intercourse when he's watching telly."

"Must be difficult." (holy mama, those ears).

"You're joking. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. If I could get Darren to watch the same programmes all my prayers would be answered. This is Darren by the way; he arrived after you left. He's five now."

"Hello Darren. I'm Terrence, Karen's friend from before." (oh my god, the same ears)

"u".

"You'll have to excuse Darren, he's a bit shy."

"I can't believe it, I leave you alone for a few years and you're suddenly a mother." (of big-eared children)

"While you've been jetting round the world like a teenager."

"Not quite, teenagers don't get to be Deputy Head of IT for a major international company." (they must have got the ears from Simon)

"Oh, no, sorry, teenagers never have anything to do with computers do they."

"Anyway, I brought beer. I know you drink wine, but I drink beer and you can keep the rest for Simon." (why on earth did she marry into those ears)

"Very generous, I think. I'll get some glasses."

"Is Simon still…" (whatever it was he did, when he wasn't sowing his big-eared genes all over the place)

"Yes, still doing whatever it is he does. He's Regional Manager now."

"Is he around?" (then again, Simon didn't have big ears, maybe they're from her side, her dad was a bit juggy)

"Simon, no, he still works most weekends. Anyway, sit down, make yourself comfortable. How long have you been back?"

"A few months now, just about getting used to the cold, miserable weather. And the cold miserable people." (that means we'd have had big-eared kids)

"Anyway, cheers, to old times."

"To old friends." (thank god we split up when we did)

"Yeah, to old friends. Cheers." "Jamie's having a tough time at school at the moment, the other kids keep teasing him about his ears."

"Really, I hadn't noticed his ears, what's wrong with them?" (I wonder what nicknames they have for big-eared kids now, Dumbo must be a hundred years out of date)

"The other kids say that they stick out, I can't see it myself."

"Kids can be so cruel." (oh god, she's laughing, did she just make that up, can she read my mind or something)

"Sorry, I didn't mean to joke with you, but you've been staring at his ears since you got here."

"Oh, no, I just, I was just struck by the likeness, they both take after you, I wasn't staring at the ears." (god, she's still got that dirty laugh, I wonder what would happen if I tried to kiss her)

"It's ok, honest. God, you're so funny when you're embarrassed. I love it when you blush." [I wonder what would happen if he tried to kiss me]