Frequent Electric Trams

'Frequent Electric Trams' read the yellow sign next to the tram stop. 

There was one man waiting when I got there.

"Is there one due?" I said.

"Eric," he said.

"Sorry?" I said.

"Eric. The name's Eric." He held out his hand, which I shook awkwardly.

"Dan," I said. 

"The timetable isn't published yet, it's all so new, but the sign say's that they're frequent, so we won't have to wait long."

"You seem excited about it."

"I am. This stop here is just 273 yards from my office and it stops literally opposite my house. It should save me upwards of twenty minutes from the bus route. Yourself?"

"I've just never been on a tram."

"You'll like it," said Eric.

As we were talking a 3rd man arrive at the stop. He was wearing a bright red jumper, no coat, and looked agitated.

"Oh dear," he said. "Oh dear."  He walked away talking excitedly into a mobile phone.

As he was leaving a woman approached the stop.

"Is there one due?" she said. 

"The timetable isn't out yet," I said, "but they're supposed to be frequent."

"Let's hope," she said.

"It's very convenient," said Eric. "Just 273 yards from my office."

"I wouldn't know," said the woman. "I do metres."

As we were talking I noticed another man, with a long black beard, had arrived and was inspecting the sign.  He walked all the way around it in both directions. 

"There's no timetable," he said.

"No," I replied, "but the sign says that they're frequent."

"But it doesn't define 'frequent'."

"According to the Oxford English Dictionary," said Eric, reading from his phone, "Frequent is defined as: "occurring many times at short intervals." 

"I'd still rather have an actual timetable," said the bearded man. "One man's short interval is another's long wait."

"It's very convenient though," said Eric. "Just 273 yards from my office."

"I wouldn't know. I was raised on metres."

As we were talking a small group of people arrived a the stop.

"Is there one due?" one of them asked.

"The timetable isn't out yet," I said, "but they're supposed to be frequent."

Nobody said anything for a while. More people arrived at the stop, but on this occasion none of them asked whether there was one due.

While we were all busy saying nothing, a van pulled up next to the stop and two men got out, both wearing hi-viz tops. They walked up to the sign, picked it up, and carried it to the back of their van.

"Someone should ask them what they're doing," said the bearded man. "That's council property."

"Maybe they're council," I said.

The men returned, carrying a new sign, which they left in place of the old.

'Infrequent Electric Trams,' the new sign read, and with their work done, the men returned to their van and drove off.

"Infrequent Electric Trams," the bearded man read aloud. He walked up to the sign and inspected it, walking all the way around it twice. "Still no timetable. I suppose you're going to define infrequent for me," he said to Eric.

"I could look it up if it would help," said Eric, trying not to sound emotional.

"This really is a joke. We're promised frequent electric trams, we walk all the way over here from the bus station, and now we find out it was all a fiction. I may as well catch the bus instead." So saying, the man stormed off in the direction of the bus depot.

Other people started to drift away until just myself and Eric were left. 

"You're staying the course I see," he said.

"I may as well," I said, "I don't need to go anywhere, I just wanted a ride on a tram. What about you?"

"I've invested my time in the wait," he said, "It would be foolish to give up now. Even with an infrequent timetable the geographical convenience of the service is extraordinary."

As we were talking the man in the red jumper reappeared.

"Oh dear," he said, "Oh dear," and as before walked off talking on his mobile.

After a while the man returned and approached us.

"I don't suppose you want to go thirds on a taxi," he said.

"We're waiting on the tram," Eric said firmly.

"Tram's not coming," the man said, equally firmly.

"How can you be so sure?" I said.

"I'm the tram driver," he said. "It was supposed to be here for me to pick up."

"So no trams at all then?" said Eric.

"No," said the man. "No trams at all."

Eric shook his head sadly. "They're going to have to get a new sign," he said.