Hiccups (5) - Symptoms 5 to 8

Symptom 5. Swimming

When I got home I still couldn’t sleep. I could hear Nina snoring gently in our bed. Boy how I loved that snore, it reminded me of sex, the smell of sweet sweat, but I daren’t join her as my hiccups had gained a semitone or more in loudness and I was afraid to wake her. Not again, not so close to her finals. By this time it was just four days to the dreaded Leibnitz. Nina was joint honours English and Philosophy.

So I pottered around a bit. Listened to a bit of Morrissey on headphones. Looked at the duskjacket on the next Pratchett I’d bought. I daren’t start reading it though, or I’d never make it to work.

About 6 O’clock I decided to go for an early morning swim. The pool opened at 6.30. I’ve always been a keen swimmer, I swim a mile every weekend, unless I’m away or something. I’m quite a good swimmer, I’m strong boned, which helps. I slowly packed my kit together, got trunks out of the airing cupboard, towel off the rail, gel from the shower. I left a note for Nina, telling her where I will have been by the time she woke up, and that I may or not make it back home before leaving for work.

So I get to the pool just before it opens. I was, how shall I put this, pleasantly surprised to find Lara waiting outside. She was an early morning swimmer too. And, I know this from hindsight, she was also strong boned.

Symptom 6. Coffee and Vegetarian breakfast in the Leisure Centre Café

We swam together for over an hour, over a mile each. Occasionally we paused at the end of the lane to talk. And splash each other. And hiccup. OK it was just me that was hiccupping really, but Lara joined in so as I wouldn’t feel left out.

We had fun, as much fun as you can have without interfering with the aim of a serious swim. Lara went swimming every day at this time apparently. Except on Sundays. Which would explain why she was so fit. So slender! So desirable! OK she had small breasts (and in hindsight slightly hairy breasts) but she was irresistible to me, like a chocolate cake in a shop window, like a glass of water after two hours of dancing your legs down to the knees at a gig. Or a cool bottle of lager.

After the swim we went to the Leisure Centre Café. Together. She had breakfast, a full cooked vegetarian English breakfast. Vegetarian breakfasts were rare in those days, you’d normally just got a normal cooked breakfast without the sausage and bacon, but the manager of the Leisure Centre Café was a bit of a hippy. So it was Linda McCartney sausages, tofu burger, mushrooms, fried slice and fried tomato (why fry a fruit I say). I’d lost my appetite by this stage though so I just had a coffee.

We talked for over an hour, until her fried slice went cold and flaccid. Like a greasy, failed, triangular phallus.

We made plans to meet up the next morning. Same time, same place. Lara knew about Nina of course. And she knew about Sheena too, so there was a silent consent to say nothing at work. But I got the feeling that should anything ever go wrong with me and Nina … well. We sealed the agreement with a hic and went back to the office.

Symptom 7 - Loss of ability to speak Welsh

Not that I could ever speak Welsh of course. I tried, as I was looking for work in Swansea where jobs were few and far between and not speaking Welsh was a real liability. And I needed to get work there, so I could be with Nina, not have to move to London where the jobs were. But the language defeated me, my tongue just wasn’t capable of those manoeuvres and there just wasn’t enough spit in my body. The job I eventually got, a little admin job, didn’t involve any actual Welsh speaking. I still had to say the Welsh names though, got callers from all over West Glamorgan and had to repeat names of towns and places and people. Which is hard enough at the best of times, English tongue embarrassing its way through Llanfiduch or whatever, but when you hiccup twice through every word … well, I sounded unprofessional, not very Welsh. Most callers laughed, strange English man pronounces ‘ll’ as ‘hic’ but others got irate, their beautiful Welsh language debased by inappropriate English hiccups.

Symptom 8 - Interrupting Revision

That’s what I was accused of. Interrupting her revision. She said how could she study Leibnitz, how could she even begin to think that this was the most perfect of all possible worlds, when I was there hiccupping like a demented seal. I wasn’t there of course. I was in the kitchen. Cooking our dinner. A nice pasta and vegetable dish!

I said nothing. I didn’t feel like eating anyway. As soon as the pasta was done I went round Bill’s, leaving Nina to feed herself. Said I’d be late home and not to worry about me. Said I’d be careful not to wake her when I came in.