Ministerial diary Day 3

I have been allocated a bodyguard. Buster his name is, an ex boxer who has previously been guard to a Belgian prince and a French celebrity chef, who was receiving death threats following a "reckless" mince pie recipe.

To the House for the Second Reading of my Bill. It really has become a crazy piece of legislation. To get things in perspective; a tiger escaped from London zoo last week and as a result I've been appointed a minister of state with responsibility for tiger control and am introducing legislation that will give the police and military extraordinary powers, including the power to seal off and evacuate entire streets if the tiger is near, the authority to seize property 'for the general public good' and, one of the amendments I've been asked to include today, the power to lock people up for 3 months on no charge, if they are thought to be assisting the tiger in its
tigerly activities. Added to this confusion the Labour front bench are tabling amendments to increase the powers in the Bill still further, whereas Labour backbenches are introducing amendments to water the Bill down. And yet they say it's the Tories and Lib Dems that are a
coalition of two distinct parties.

Chloe has produced a wonderful briefing that has a detailed defence to all the measures in the Bill, and for those amendments we smile upon, and she's also anticipated over a hundred possible questions. Best of all, the answers are all less than one paragraph and in a language I can understand, not the nonsensical civil service speak I've heard other ministers read out uncomprehendingly.

xxx

I just about survived my first real test. Luckily the opposition front bench didn't dare ask any awkward questions, they don't want to look weak in the face of the tiger. The toughest questions were from the Tory backbenchers who enjoyed making me uncomfortable with passages of the Bill that overrule the Human Rights Act. Hugh Spores MP even had the cheek to quote one of my speeches,
where I opposed the last Labour government's emergency terrorists measures on human rights grounds. "Does the minister believe that one tiger is more of a threat to civilised society than the combined might of Al Quaeda and every other terrorist group in the world?" No frankly I don't, but I wasn't getting paid £110,000 per year and being driven in a ministerial car when I made that speech.

I didn't say that, of course, most of my answers were ministerial non speak about 'enabling the appropriate response', being 'prepared for every eventuality' and that 'none of these measures would ever be used exept in the I extreme of circumstances' when all other eventualities have been exhausted. I even said, 'I will give your concern my fullest attention', it came so easily to me, I'm clearly destined for greatness as a minister.

On to my first Cabinet meeting, where I was warmly applauded for my performance in the chamber. In the sanctity of cabinet I took the opportunity to raise one or two of my own concerns about the Bill, but there were quickly laughed aside. Actually, it turns out that the emergency Cabinet meeting had been called especially to discuss proposals to introduce even tougher measures in the Bill, so I looked a right fool saying it was too tough. Luckily everyone was nice about it and I don't think anyone will hold a grudge at my implied criticism of a cabinet decision.

My day finished at ten, when I finally left the Cabinet meeting. I took the opportunity to get a Houses of Parliament whisky bottle signed by
all 23 cabinet members, as they can fetch a fortune in the local rotary charity auction. I was unsure whether to add my signature to
the bottle, as technically I just report to Cabinet and am not a member of Cabinet, but the man said it was fine, then laughinly added
that if the tiger was caught tomorrow it would prove my only chance. It's a sobering thought, given the secret nature of the discussion the meeting today never officially happened, so if it does prove to be my only cabinet meeting nobody will ever know.I decide to start keeping a ministerial diary, so that there will be a record of my career, wherever it ends. After all, I am the first ever Minister for tigers and likely to be the last, so it will be an important historic document. Alan Clark made a fortune from his, I will have to try and liven up my love life if I want to get the tabloids interested though. I'm not sure what to call it yet, I thought of Big Cat Diary, then remembered the TV programme of the same name.

Outside the Cabinet office I was greeted by Buster, who was now joined by two other bodyguards, both heavily armed. Apparently I
was now an Amber target, given the importance of my Bill as an internal defence measure. It's reasuring to know that there are now three people whose job it is to put themselves between me and the tiger should it decide to attack me, making me one of the safest people in London.

Felt very safe and secure during the drive home. The streets were almost empty, fear of the tiger must be spreading. It will be a good thing when my Bill is finally passed.